Accordingly if the devil should say, ‘Do not drink,’ you should reply to him, ‘On this very account, because you forbid it, I shall drink, and what is more, I shall drink a generous amount. Thus one must always do the opposite of that which Satan prohibits. What do you think is my reason for drinking wine undiluted, talking freely, and eating more often, if it is not to torment and vex the devil who made up his mind to torment and vex me.
Thankfully we like John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) take a stand for the Pure Doctrines of the Gospel of Grace and believe that drinking even one drop of alcohol is a sin or even using an alcohol-based mouthwash.
This site (an Online Discernmentalist Mafia partner site) reveals the most complete written, audio, and video Bible teachings which conclusively prove May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day and The Rapture, and October 21, 2011 to be the end of the world. It is most urgent to examine yourself, whether you are of the Regenerate Elect and therefore are saved.
“As you know, it is not my goal to try to make everyone happy. That’s not the nature of the work of apologetics. This is not a “warm a fuzzy,” “feel good” ministry and our objective is to expose error,” indeed, this is a feel bad ministry..…the purpose of true ministry. Moreoever “our objective is to expose error, cut through confusion, and examine beliefs and practices both in and out of the Church in the light of biblical truth.” Translation – we teach online-discernmentalist truth, which is truth + lightbulb. In other words online-discernmentalist has extra light, MORE so than everyone else…because its bible based (because we say it is). We cut through stuff no one else can cut. When there isn’t anything to expose we see stuff that isn’t there with the specially built Bible Based Bible Belt decoder & Bible Based Satellite.
But….just a careful reminder, we online-discernmentalists are just simple bible believers….believing the very plain words of God (we wish you could be like us). We will pray for you.
your humble Truthslayer
PS TSM does not use the marketing techniques like other non-bible ministries…but biblical marketing techniques that are ODMafia approved.
When a new believer comes to your church you need to understand Jesus is not done with them yet. This gives you the pastor and staff the opportunity to create this new believer in YOUR image instead of the image of Jesus. Often the new believer is confused as to what is happening to them. They only know that their sense an inner change they never knew before. Often these people feel compelled by some outside source to read the bible and as we all know that could lead to strange beliefs like loving others, forgiveness of others, a desire to give up some bad habits and so on. While not all of those things are bad and some are good, we must remember the new believer is like a tender twig that can be bent whatever way we desire. So, here is the anatomy of a New Believer (NB) that we must create in OUR image (just like in Genesis remember?)
1. The head: We first help them realize they have no brain and must give up any type of thinking contrary to our doctrines.
2. Eyes: Now that God has opened their eyes to see Him, we must train the NB what to see (the offering plate) and what not to see (the street person who has real need).
3. Ears: God has opened their ears so now you the pastor must make sure that they only hear those approved things the doctrines let us hear. You must also train the NB to deny some things they may have heard and confuse them to believe they heard things YOU want them to hear when they actually never did.
4. Nose: The NB must learn fast how to hold their nose up in contempt of lesser deserving Christians saved by Grace.
5. The arms: Designed to hold others, must be used to hold people away.
6. The heart: God gave them a new heart, your job as a pastor is to keep it from truly expressing that new heart and hold it in confusion with political ideas that conflict with what God is telling them.
7. The shoulders: While God has lifted the great burden the NB once shouldered, your job as a pastor is to begin to add new burden (church growth projects or the church building program) so they will begin to do things in the flesh and not the Spirit.
8. The stomach: Sometimes a NB will begin to feel nauseas at some of your teaching, as they will want to do silly things like tell their friends (those who we deem unworthy for our churches like gay people for instance). Appease the NB by telling them about conferences that talk about 10 ways to a better prayer life or 10 ways to tithe more.
9. The reproductive organs. Let me get this clear to all of you. When you come to Jesus there is no sex except between a man and his wife. If you have any sexual urges outside of marriage, you are abnormal and perverted! God did not give you sex organs for pleasure, just ask my wife about that!
10. The Spine: You must remove it so the NB will not stand up against you!
11. The Skin: It must become thick enough to not care about those laughing at the NB while they are standing on a corner shouting anti abortion or anti gay slogans, yet thin enough that you the pastor can still get under and make the NB uncomfortable if they do not try to please you!
12. Feet. The feet must be hobbled so the NB will not be able to leave. One technique is to make them feel sense of loyalty by stating things like “We are a family here, you can’t just leave your family,” or “God set the pastor over you so you cannot just disobey God by leaving.” This will buy you time as you the pastor work out a new way to confuse so that you may abuse the New Believer that may come to your church.
Just remember, it is much easeir to keep your church going with techniques like these than to trust the Holy Spirit in someone else to guide them. By controling the NB, you can ensure a new generation of believers who will focus on building programs and keeping you the pastor in a stable income.
And you thought there was an end to our science lessons:
P. S. Bible Monkey before you joined us in our Truth War ways we meant this for you—but I guess now we need your help in sending this out to Eugene Peterson. His Message is one of apes and monkeys and New Age Spirituality.
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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