Love Wins?

March 1, 2011

         

             A Blog Post by some of the Research Robot Monkeys

                          of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia:

Recently the ultra-mega sinfully ecumenical quasi-semi-Pelagian reprobated and heretical Universalist Emergent guru Rob Bell broke into the OD Mafia Headquarters. “Ho ho;” he said, “I’ve got Good News for you today…Love Wins.”

Alarmed by the disturbance our masters and heroes Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. Don Jobson quickly withdrew their weapons. Now brandishing their bullhorns in the manner of Todd Friel—they began to shout down that vile and Wretched sinner Rob Bell. Our heroes the OD Mafia proclaimed the True Gospel—the good news of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards all those whose doctrines are impure and theology is incorrect.

All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”

P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.

            A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia


Precious American Gospel Bible Verses

July 26, 2010

Any True Christian American Patriot and True Citizen of the Kingdom of God aka America should keep these Bible verses as close to their hearts as their guns and ammunition:

For Christ came to butcher, destroy, bomb and burn our enemies so that they may die more violently. (John MacArthur 10:10).

The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, and is willing that all our enemies should perish, so that America may stand forever. (Second Peter Ruckman 3:9).

 For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS OURS TO REPAY.” And again, “AMERICA WILL JUDGE ALL PEOPLE.” sayeth the Lord. (Bob “Hebrews” Jones 10:30).

But I tell you: Hate your enemies and pray an Imprecatory Prayer that God through American Military Might might smite as many of them as possible. (Matthew Ken Silva 5:44).

—All Scriptures  quoted from the 1611 King James Bible the Authorized American Version aka Chuck Norris’ Bible.


Eggs may breed unbiblical ideas says ODM scientists

June 13, 2010

In a world that gets more and more technologically sophisticated, ODM scientists have concluded that eggs may be THE culprit for the spread of the emerging hordes. It has been suggested that the proteins found in eggs may help disseminate the deadly emerging disease. By scanning each egg for a particular enzyme it may be theoretically possible to  reduce the growth of this outrageous movement.

Slice of Laodicea (now Crostalk), Apprising Ministries, Take A Stand, Herescope, Discerning the World and ODMafia are now rejecting eggs wholesale (just to be paranoid safe). Just a reminder – An egg free world will lead to an emergent free world.  iTodyaso, deep in his emergent free-bomb resistant bunker suggested “I refuse to ingest ANY egg products lest this leads me into emergent heresy or the use of emergent buzzwords.”

Truthslayer

ODM scientists are now studying other food stuffs in hope of linking other heresies with possible foods (ie linking pasta with the entirety of Roman Catholicism & nuts with Charismatics).


New cop show, all truth no heresy!

June 6, 2010

In a new sunday night line-up Truth War TV introduces Chief Wiggum as a serious cop sniffing out heresy calls via an emergency heresy hunting 9-11 hot line; Discernmentalist 9-11 (Investigative Unit).

Each week our faithful cop and other cartoon like figures will follow-up on spin with regards to Christians who have been accused of being…

A) Democrats (or rumoured to have said something nice about Obama)

B) Peacemakers

C) Distraught by some forms of capitalism

E) Interested in universal heathcare

F) A friend of gays

G) A reader of NT Wright, John H Armstrong, Gregory Boyd, Rob Bell or Brian McLaren

H) Ecumenical (which we know is anything but biblical even if Jesus is central)

I) For social justice

Each week Wiggum will take down the apostates and allow voters to decide who is in…and who is out! Guilt by association, slander….whatever it takes to keep the right people in and the evil heretics out. Remember, Revenge NOT Reconciliation!!!

Truthslayer


Love Speech And Hate Speech Defined

October 17, 2009

This is Absolutely love speech:

 

 

 

 

 

This is Absolutely hate speech:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get it—got it? Good because we told you so and we’re always right—and remember always vote God’s Only Inerrant Party or you’re not really of the Elect and unsaved. You may even be a false convert.

Don Jobson—telling it like it is and speaking the Truth out of love and concern for everyone especially false converts who don’t believe as we do.


Building others up….not part of ministry

September 29, 2009

dummies

Some Christians spend all their busy body time building each other up, they encourage one another….and base it all on flimsy texts like the ones in 1 Thes 5 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

or 1st Corinthians… “We know that all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know….

We realize that if we spent all our time building up other ministries (or others!), spending time encouraging one another we would NOT have time for true discernment which would mean pointing out why Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Ravi Zacharias, James MacDonald, Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell, Gregory Boyd, Brian McLaren and Dan Kimball and so many more are wrong, prone to error, false teachers, heretics and don’t know the bible near as well as us….

We encourage you today to discourage someone…anyone. Point out why their doctrine is error prone and that they need to repent and become a discernmentalist…or at least read our materials so that they will know how wrong they are.

Please don’t offer them a kind word!

Please don’t remind them of God’s grace (you want them to be wallow in guilt).

Let us know how you did….and report in any stories that could be pertinent to the TRUE ministry of non-encouragement.

Get going and discourage someone today!


The newest drink of heretics!

July 20, 2009

Emerge drinksI suspected something was in the water that was causing all this new heresy! Now I know what is going on. They are all drinking Emerge! If they were real Christians they would be drinking Kool Aid!


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