April 4, 2011
Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist
dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!
June 7, 2010
Our Research Robot Monkeys have discovered that a consortium of Online Discernment Ministries have devised a new listening device to eaves drop in on the emerging church: PROJECT DUMBO. There are reports that an authentic Dan Kimball sermon has been intercepted, and the following statements have been deduced “Then this is a day of independence for all the Munchkins and their descendants!” “come here my little pretty” and “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” We cannot substantiate these quotes nor do we need to verify them due to the ODM code of misconduct. Fact checking is not our style (plus its unbiblical)….but can only note that the quotes must be true if an ODM quoted them.
NSA has also expressed interest in this device.
February 14, 2010
Discernmentalists across North America are in gear to promote home-skoolin. We know that we are under attack. Our pure doctrines are set to fail if we can’t teach our kids a good edumacation. In that case, we need to keep em’ home and skool them in readn and bible learnen. By sheltering our kids from communist leaning skools, and making sure they don’t socialize we can set them straight so that they know the truth….the absolute truth.
We at ODmafia home-skool our kids and teach them only the TRUE TRUTH. In other words the only truth is the bible, and stuff like math, geography, history is false truth (secularism). We don’t need that stinkin’ secular thinkin, what we need is certainty and absolute pure doctrines.
Truthslayer approved, and a Don Jobson thumbs up!
PS iTodyaso will soon beginning a biblical home-school of discernmentalism for children.
Photograph: nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com (If for some reason you are blind or can’t read the reference in the photo!)
October 9, 2009
A long time ago, far away on the planet of Truthblogtron, a war was being waged between the noble Truthbots (led by the wise Optimus Ken) and the devious Emergicons (commanded by the dreaded RobBelltron) for control over the AllSpurgeonspark, a non-mystical-non-emergent system of propositional truth that would grant unlimited power to whoever possessed it. The Truthbots managed to smuggle the AllSpurgeonspark off the planet, but RobBelltron blasted off in search of it. He eventually tracked it to the planet of Earth, but his reckless desire to preach Jesus, he made Auto-Nooma Videos and wrote a book called AutobotElvis…which forced Optimus Ken to act on behalf of planet earth…our planetary special ops of truth.
Soon other Truthbots joined forces like Herescopebot, Take-Abot-Stand, CRNbot, Slicebot, MacArthurbot, Discerningtheworldbot, LighthouseTrailsbot and other busy-botties to engage in this truthwar.
Truthformers….they’re less than meets the eye!
Stay tuned for more with Truthslayerbot!
PS Discerningtheworldbot has several different versions scattered across the internet universe…Discerningtheworldbot.1.0, upto and including Discerningtheworldbot.6.7. It is a multi-verse Discerningtheworldbot universe.
September 27, 2009
Top ten newest ODM technologies
- Comment Deleter Program: Ted Stevens, the 83-year-old senior senator from Alaska, described the Internet as “a series of tubes.” Yet clumsy as his metaphor may have been, Stevens was struggling to make a reasonable point: the tubes can get clogged. Read More We have the solution. We have created the auto-anti-emerging comment deleter program that will delete those pesky Emergents comments that waste bandwidth and website space. By deleting their garbage, the internet will become less clogged and flow more freely.
- Nanocharging Solar: Arthur Nozik believes quantum-dot solar power could boost output in cheap photovoltaics. We are already using this technology to help run many ODM sites when power supplies are limited. Just attach our cheap Photovoltaics Laptop power supply to your cheap Photovoltaics Laptop and you can continue to attack those evil heretics!
- Personalized Heresy Monitors: Ken Silva says using computers to automate some research could make proper doctrine easier to attain and heresy easier to point out.
- Cell Group Analysis: We here at the ODMafia believe that detecting minute differences in heretical teachings between individual cells groups could improve ODM churches.
- Truth Stretching Opticals: Eric Barger has created light-focusing optical antennas that could lead to DVDs that hold hundreds of misleading teachings and out of context quotes to build better straw-man arguments.
- Resistible Revolution: Artificially structured metamaterials could transform ODM abilities to build further resistance to Shane Claiborne.
- Neuron Control: Karl Deisseroth’s genetically engineered “light switch,” which lets scientists turn selected parts of the brain on and off, may help improve controlling your congregation from thinking for themselves. We here at the ODMafia abhor that sort of thing in churches! (Thinking that is… if you do it we will be out of a job! So let us do it for you!)
- Nanohealing: Tiny fibers will save lives by stopping church bleeding and aiding recovery from Emerging brain injury, says ODM Chris Rosebrough.
- Digital Imaging, Reimagined: Chris Rosebrough and Ken Silva believe compressive sensing could help rewrite historical Christianity to be more to their own version. They can reimage historical Christianity to fit their doctrinal needs at will.
- Argumental Reality: We ODM’s want to superimpose our information on the real world. We see that just the shere power of our fallacious and illogical arguments will change reality for those who listen and believe in us and OUR doctrines.
September 2, 2009
ODmafia Back-up is fail-safe. With 10,000 64K reels of magnetic tape in the SAME bunker that houses our research robot monkey’s. Therefore, your sensitive but very accurate information is safe with us. This air conditioned bunker is quality controlled, with a truth detector algorithm built right into the software based on Eric Barger’s bible Based Satellite System (BS) to root out any potential false teaching before archived in our storage facilities.
Every Rob Bell quote (and misquote), every Rick Warren thought, dot and comma are backed up for your edification and peace of mind. Is Eugene Peterson thinking of writing the prequel to The Message? You can archive all your missive on his dangerous bible version.