Introducing: Our Newest Course….Heresy-Hunting 101!

April 27, 2019

heresy

Direct from our Pulpit & Pens we’ll teach you  how to be master Heresy-Hunters such as ourselves:

  1. You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to perceive the dangers around them. Again, being discernmentalizing is not about being psychic. (Unless of course you’re like us and have Bible-osmosis). Most discernmentmentalism is just about paying attention to your spiritual surroundings. Most people just will not stop and notice. Go to the shopping mall and watch people. Most people are walking around completely oblivious to the dangers around them, walking from Victoria’s Secret to Spencer’s Gifts without looking up from their Angry Birds app. And if you look long enough, you’ll see somebody else watching people – that’s the discernmentalizing guy. As paranoid as it may be, I’ve always been the type of guy to sit with my back to the wall at a restaurant or watching the hands of the guy in front of me at the convenience store. I’m cognizant of the vehicles that go down my street and have a mental note of the makes and models of all the vehicles on my block in case something is out of place. Most people are simply not that way, and that goes for Christians in the spiritual realm.

  2. You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to be students of history – ancient or near history. Ronald Reagan reportedly said, “For liberals, history began when they were born.” For many Christians, that’s probably too optimistic; for many, history began this morning. Another apocalypse date? Really? Again?! And yet, Christians are falling for this. Another omen interpretation? For crying out loud. Rick Warren again insinuates an altogether different cult from last time are his spiritual brothers and you think he just is inarticulate…again. For realsies? Osteen again plays the “I don’t know” card when he’s asked about the exclusivity of Christ? The fact is, most Christians aren’t keeping track of this stuff. They don’t read the news. The first time a sheep “accidentally” bumps off a fellow sheep maybe they’re just clumsy. The second time, it’s bizarre. But the third time that sheep rolls in with mutton between his teeth and lamb’s blood on his chin and you might just have a wolf.

  3. The “discernmentmentalist community” seems to speak in almost absolute unity concerning the more prominent wolves in the flock of modern evangelicalism. There are hyper-Arminians in the Pulpit Bunker. They’re there because they don’t agree with us on discernmentalist issues and they hate and try to pervert our Pure soteriology. There isn’t a Lutheran discernmentalist community, because they’re not Calvinistic enough to be True Christians©®™. There’s a Presbyterian discernmentalist community fighting for our Pure Church polity. There’s a Reformed Baptist discernmentalist community and one in almost every segment of evangelicalism except in charismatic circles (haven’t found one there yet). We may strangle each other over infant “baptism” (see those scare quotes I did just for giggles?) but we agree on Warren, Osteen, Meyer, Moore, the other Moore, the Mystichicks, et al. What could possibly be the reason for that unity, despite the obvious division? It’s #4.

  4. Discernmentalism is a spiritual gift, and should be fostered and promoted as essential to the local and universal church. The reason for unity in the discernment community is that discernment really is a Spirit-led (Hebrews 5:14). The same Spirit that guides the Presbyterians (but not the Lutherans) is the same spirit that leads the Reformed Baptists. We may don’t have different hermeneutics or interpretative presuppositions that allows us to land in different Confessions as our discernmentalist spidey senses all tingle when a wolf draws near.

  5. No matter how many times you’re right, you’re a H8r. No one (well, hardly no one) will come to you and say, “Okay. You were right. Sorry for calling you a H8r.” No, it’s “Lucky guess, but you’re still a H8r.” If you’re in this business for the public accolades, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

If your church is a True Church like ours then they would benefit from our Clear Teachings in this course on Heresy-Hunting as our Teachings are the same as the late great Ken Silva’s Clear Teachings who recommended and followed the Clear Teachings of our Pope of our Truth War John MacArthur (PBUH)’s Clear Teachings—so that makes us more than qualified in our expertise to lecture you on True Heresy-Hunting. Just one second of our course will  make you an expert Discernmentalist and Master Heresy-Hunter just not  as high and mighty in the standards of our Doctrine. Applicants must complete our self-righteousness course first.


Pirate Radio Invents A New Biblical Theology Detector

May 5, 2010

Worried that your church or your home may be infiltrated by Emergents  or any of the other heretical type reprobated people like Catholics, New Age Apostates and Arminians? Never fear Pirate Radio has teamed up with we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to bring you the new Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector. Now you can verify if someone has Biblical Theology or not before they even come into your vicinity. Just place our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector near a doorway, gate or anyother type of entryway and let the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector work it’s magic for you.

The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector will automatically detect if someone has Biblically verifiable theology or wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology. If someone has Biblically verifiable theology the green Pass sign will light up while playing a Bible-Based tune like the hit song and theme song of GOIP-Lander: God Hates The World or it’s love theme: Broken Wings. However if someone has wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology the red Alarm sign will frantically flash while sending volts of electricity into the perpetrator and also filling their ears with loud and foul sounds.

You’ll never have to worry about the ungodly and unbiblical ever infiltrating your Holy grounds again with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector protecting the Purity of your Doctrines and the Sanctity of  your vicinity. Now you can remain unsensitive to Seekers with ease with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector doing all the work for you. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector not only works on people but also on pets and objects as well. It also functions as an Absolute Truth detector and also verifies Biblically-correct theology in books. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector also comes in a version for automobiles and other vehicles—never let the ungodly ride with you. Customer  satisfaction guarenteed!

One of our satisfied customers after using our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector:

pirate77 said…Intolerant fool? If you are not tolerant of Todd Friel, what does that make you? I’ll take his Biblically verifiable theology over the wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology that has been initiated by people like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren (whom you seem to love) and Doug Pagitt, just to name a few. —May 4, 2010 11:23 AM

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