Be Rapture-Ready for May 21, 2011!

May 17, 2011

Prepare for May 21st and be Rapture Ready with the Online Discernmentalist Mafia’s handy new RaptureHatch for the roofs of True Churches and the homes of True Regenerate Converts. Doomsday is soon approaching… Don’t get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathens… Let John MacArthur confirm you in our Pure Truth War Doctrines and prove that you are indeed Rapture Ready and we’ll install a RaptureHatch on your roof today!

This site (an Online Discernmentalist Mafia partner site) reveals the most complete written, audio, and video Bible teachings which conclusively prove May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day and The Rapture, and October 21, 2011 to be the end of the world. It is most urgent to examine yourself, whether you are of the Regenerate Elect and therefore are saved.

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Love Wins?

March 1, 2011

         

             A Blog Post by some of the Research Robot Monkeys

                          of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia:

Recently the ultra-mega sinfully ecumenical quasi-semi-Pelagian reprobated and heretical Universalist Emergent guru Rob Bell broke into the OD Mafia Headquarters. “Ho ho;” he said, “I’ve got Good News for you today…Love Wins.”

Alarmed by the disturbance our masters and heroes Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. Don Jobson quickly withdrew their weapons. Now brandishing their bullhorns in the manner of Todd Friel—they began to shout down that vile and Wretched sinner Rob Bell. Our heroes the OD Mafia proclaimed the True Gospel—the good news of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards all those whose doctrines are impure and theology is incorrect.

All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”

P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.

            A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia


“The REAL Purpose of the Church.”

June 30, 2010

 

Eric Barger reveals “The REAL Purpose of the Church” by giving a sneak preview of what’s in store for all True ODM Churches in these Last Days. What’s in store for all Pure ODM Churches taking a stand for Absolute Truth you may ask? Why! Nothing but the blessed rapture! (Thanks to one of our Reasearch Robot Monkeys for catching this).

However we are not quite satisfied with that answer as we are not quite in the Last Days of this Great Tribulation of Emergent apostasy—because of this we must continue to stand for Truth so that we will be ready—Rapture Ready when the blessed rapture occurs before Jesus returns and comes to slay all the non-Elect unregenerate reprobates.

Are you ready? Here is our list of what one must do to be ready in order to prepare for the blessed rapture

  • Unconditionally support every act of Israel even their acts of terrorism
  • Unconditionally support USA-brand Imperialism
  • Vote Obama and every Democrat out of office
  • Smoke a Spurgeon-approved cigar
  • Buy 667 copies of John MacArthur’s book The Truth War: Fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception and leave one copy everywhere you go just in case one of the regenerate predestined Elect accidently stumbles upon a copy and awakens to their status of being among the regenerate predestined Elect
  • Outlaw all abortion and homosexuality
  • Use only a King James AV1611 Bible or ESV
  • Burn any copy of Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, Brian McLaren’s books or any other Emergent type book that you come across preferably while performing a Bible-Based animal sacrifice or while  burning Emergent heretics themselves 
  • Read only the Online Discernmentalist Mafia, The Official Blog Of God’s Only Inerrant Party, Ken Silva and other ODMs to get your facts]
  • Continue to be ever-vigilant and ever-valiant in your stand for our Absolute Biblical Truth

Bow down to the King of kings… OR ELSE!

May 17, 2010

One of the greatest theologians of our day Lemmy, has written the greatest ODM worship song ever. Enjoy!


Brannon Howse helps spread the hate against Rick Warren and John Piper!

April 7, 2010

 

Our readers already know that Brannon Howse leads the way in spreading hatred against Rick Warren.

Here is an excerpt!

Rick Warren states in his book The Purpose Driven Life that end-times issue are really known of our business. Really? What does God say about this? What has John Piper had to say about end-times issues and why is he not a supporter of the nation of Israel? John Piper is showing a serious lack of discernment in this decision. Is it possible that Piper was taken in by the Warren personality and not the facts?

Now, we can include John Piper to the list of heretics! We are so happy to find someone who is as well known as John Piper and rejoice that Brannon Howse is getting the word out about how horrible Piper really is! Brannon Howse is known for his radio show where he rails against about everything indiscriminately! He is also know for his praise and worship fundraisers against Rick Warren with the help of  his friend and ASSOCIATE, Marty Goetz. (For some reason Brannon Howse can overlook that Marty performs at Purpose/Seeker Driven Churches… but for now we will overlook Brannon’s lapse of discernment for performing with Purpose/Seeker Driven Church supporter, Marty Goetz (Marty performed at a Purpose/Seeker Driven church in Monterey Ca. in the late 1990’s). Maybe one day Brannon Howse will see his error in this and we will have a separation of the sheep and Goetz?

Now, what does John Piper have to say about all this… who cares, but here is his explanation.

Now, who are you going to believe? Known heretics or us?


We support the New Conservative Bible

April 4, 2010

We are proud to sponsor the New Conservative Bible. In fact, here is an animation we truly feel is inspired by our DOCTRINES and God! This is how OUR Jesus would have acted like and taught.


We eagerly await the return of Jesus and the destruction He will bring YOU!

April 4, 2010

Jesus rose from the grave and soon will come back and take you out. While those emerging apostates agree that Jesus died and rose again, for us we see Jesus as angry, wrathful and full of vengance. In fact He is going to take out Rambo like revenge on all of you sinners!

Yes, Jesus was very upset about being crucified as well as what He saw you do last night! Jesus did for me but if you do not agree fully with us and our DOCTRINE you will feel the rage of Jesus! We do not worship wimpy Jesus who just turns the other cheek, we worship the new and improve resurrected Jesus who will go into battle and ride a horse through blood as high as the horses bridle! Revenge is sweet so expect no mercy from Jesus when He comes again! I mean, Jesus taught us to forgive, yet He does not have to live up to that Himself. I mean the only point of the Cross was God must of made a mistake and owed Satan so had to legally pay him off.

Now, some of those apostate teachers will try to get you to read The Book of Revelation as apocalyptic writings instead of our “pick and choose” literalism. They will try to show you that believers in the Book of Revelation overcame evil by their testimony and by the blood of the Lamb. Let me tell you where that blood came from… SINNERS! We know that God cares nothing of humans or His creation and Love has no business in OUR faith! So, watch out, Jesus is coming and His wrath will be known. Oh, and BTW, have a great day in HELL… Now I am off to my Easter Service to preach about how much God loves me and hates you, you pitiful sinner!


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