Chad Holtz And Mike Morrell’s Emergent Village Possibly Found

April 19, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys recently infiltrated an Emergent Cohort compound and discovered horrible abominations such as couches and candles. In this candle-lit ashram there were a bunch of scantily-clad men and women participating in the usual routine Emergent rituals of nude centering prayer (with much icons, incense, chanting, and apophatic silence). There was a lot of stretching going on and not in a good way. Our Research Robot Monkeys were horrified at all they saw and we are too. All we can say is Beware… Beware the Emergent Hordes and their Seeker-Sensitive Purpose-Driven lives!

Video of a typical Emergent Village pow-wow:

New antigay PSA from us to you!

June 18, 2010

Trigger warning: A creepy, old, male theologian talks about oral sex while repeatedly using words like “copulation,” “genitals,” and “breasts.”

With all this talk about a gay cartoon rat-agenda I’ve been hearing from Don I needed to bring out this PSA from our past to you from us with new commentaries:

This PSA brought to you by the letters J & P and the #1 as we’re #1 in our Absolute Certainty of our Absolute Biblical Truth ah…  ah… ah…

(John) Piper (just like us) accepts penile penal substitution as gospel and cannot navigate a casual conversation without picking tulips. (Our many enemies) find much of his theology (and ours) to be suspect at best and abominable at worst, but (they are) especially concerned by his (and our) low view of women, whom he thinks should ideally adopt a subservient role in society, not only within their own marriages and churches. He has also stated he thinks wives should endure spousal abuse for a season, for instance, if her husband merely “smacks her around one night.” (By the way, the #MeToo movement came after Paige “Fried Chicken” Patterson recently for similar abhorrent remarks. When is it coming for John Piper?!?) (Anyways) Piper also likes to field questions from his adoring fans, often about sex, which are usually about exciting and fun as listening to your grandfather talking about the subject. If you don’t know anything about John Piper, this video will help. Bring your own vomit bag.

Anyways this is why we must absolutely forbid the appearance of gayness even by straight couples as gayness is an abomination—so remember all we told you…why…because…

I. Todyaso

Rhoblogy Caught On A Slippery Slope Down The Postmodern Emerging Heresy Slide

March 9, 2010


Rhoblogy forsakes his convictions to stand against all errors, false teachers and heretics who have crept into the Church. We’ve caught him in the act of being soft on heresy and heretics like Mark Driscoll—here Rhology notes:

Thursday, March 04, 2010

One of my favorite watchblogs overreacts

Defending.Contending. is usually a good read, and they often have useful and discerning stuff about the zillions of shades of heresy and heterodoxy that are always popping up in the church of Jesus. However, recently they announced that they are no longer going to endorse two massively helpful websites – CARM and Monergism – because they endorse Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  Happily, the author of D.C. will be contacting each ministry to let them know of his concerns and his removal of his endorsement for what it’s worth, and no doubt asking them to reconsider their endorsement of Driscoll.  I would hope Monergism and CARM (read: Matt Slick) would go ahead and heavily qualify any endorsement of Driscoll that might remain, because that’s the right thing to do.  But to go so far as this?  Here in order is the 1st comment I left, the response, and my reply.

Brothers, I’m a bit concerned.
I love your site and always have ever since I heard of it and read it.
In this case, I wonder if you’re not going a bit far when you decide to stop endorsing such sources as CARM and especially Monergism just b/c they don’t dislike Driscoll. Not everyone can spend all the time you guys do on discernment type stuff.

How dare he attack John MacArthur’s Blessed Absolute Truth Wars™ and Discernmentalism. We Know that all True Christians are Absolute Truth Warriors and that all Absolute Truth Warriors spend all their time Discernmentalizing their fellow Christians. Doesn’t he know that the mark of a True Christian is to divide and split churches over random, arbitrary and non-Essential teachings and our own egotistical agendas? Clearly Rhology is in error—but wait he attacks True Discernmentalism even further:

Are you not separated from the profane already? You actively call out Driscoll for his many sins, and that’s great, and needed. But did you read Phil Johnson’s piece that I linked to in my last comment, about guilt by association?

Clearly Rhology is being deceived and doesn’t know that a True Absolute Truth Warrior Christian must render everyone they disagree with as guilty by association. This is an Essential Christian teaching as well as Discernmentalism as the clear teachings of Ken Silva attest. Perhaps Rhology ought to read our Pure Teachings on Mark Driscoll first before reconciling  with him. What happened to the heretic-bashing Rhology that we all know and love? Here Rhology condemns himself by a comment that he left on that Theopoetry heretic’s site:

Rich Mullins was right that we humans pull ’em out to suit our own desires, but the context in which he said it, ie that being born again is great but not all that we need to do to have eternal life, is heresy. If I’d known he’d said sthg like that before now, I’d never have bought any more of his music or attended his concerts or anythg (kinda like I intentionally avoid Phillips Craig and Dean, since they’re Oneness and thus heretics). Were I in charge at Wheaton (and had I the courage), I would’ve at that very moment stepped onstage, said “thank you, Rich,” proceeded to refute what he’d just said, never invited him back, and encouraged other seminaries/Christian schools to do the same.

Discernmentalists this is why we must stand with Defending.Contending. against Rhoblogy and sex-obsessed heretics like Mark Driscoll as our own illustrious Dr. Itodyaso has noted that Driscoll has yet to renounce all his Emerging/Emergent ties.

Your typical Emergent Village church service!

March 6, 2010

This is what happens at a typical Emergent Church service!  If you know what things happen at those couch and candle driven churches you would be shocked! You would never see anyone having fun in one of our churches! We make sure nothing like that would ever happen!

Happy Helloween! Burn Those Heretics Next!

October 15, 2009



Happy Helloween! Next year forget the books and burn the heretics!

We are proud to state that Pastor Grizzard is an honorary graduate of ODMU!

New Calvin Crunch Cereal to hit store soon!

September 14, 2009

Calvin Crunch Cereal

It is finally here! The new Calvin Crunch Cereal! We are so excited that Checkered Past Cereal company has decided to start their “Reformed” brand again. We hope that this will lead to a healthy doctrinal based breakfast for all “real” Christians! It has extra fiber so you will not have to worry about feeling bloated with self-righteousness! Remember a “correct” doctrine will give you more energy to fight off those heretics as well as keep you alert to anything that might resemble Arminianism! Be sure to send your kids off to school with plenty of Calvin Crunch in their bellies. Also, free inside are the “Heretics trading cards”.  Collect them all! The first batch of cards feature, N.T. Wright and Brian McLaren.

CRN receives honorary certificate! Stealing is the new Christian value! Updated!

August 23, 2009

picture stolen from Ron Hodgman with permission

Picture stolen with permission from the owner being Ronald Zell Hodgman; unlike when it was stolen by CRN and Defcon (Picture has been removed from Defcon site so we retract all that is stated about them by inserting this statement)

CRN always amazes us in their innovations and how they push us ever forward in the Truth Wars. God must be proud when He sees those of us who are real Truth Warriors use lies, slander and now… thievery to protect Him from those heretics that are ever destroying the truth of our doctrines. I mean, CRN has recently stolen Ron Hodgman’s property (a picture that was posted on and used it without permission from the owner. As you know war is hell and we must use hell like tactics to take down our enemies in the Name of Our Doctrines. We give this Honorary Certificate to Ken Silva and Company for opening the doors of Hell against our enemies. We now know it is a righteousact to steal someone else’s property and use it for our own means. Integrity? We don’t need it we have Our Doctrines to protect… and our God needs us to protect Him as He cannot protect Himself…

Here is your certificate CRN! Enjoy! We are so proud of you!


Like CRN we were also just too lazy to send anyone to cover the event ourselves, so we also just stole this picture… though we did get permission from the owner unlike CRN. Special acknowledgment to Defcon who also sets a new low standard in integrity in a Christian Ministry. In other news, eye witnesses at the event where the picture was taken stated that Mark Driscoll preached two different sermons. Though neither would be considered positive by Hour of Power standards, Mark did preach the Cross the second service with rather graphic details. Thankfully this will most likely be censored and CRN and Defcon will not have to eat crow about saying Mark failed to preach Jesus at the Crystal Cathedral.

Steve Camp Twitters on the verge of becoming missional!

August 7, 2009

newer.jpg image by pastordave2004

Outraged! That is what I am with Steve Camp. First he begins to reconcile with others, then he removes certain high ranking ODM’s links from his blog and then today he tweets:

“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, w ourselves as your slaves for Jesus’ sake.” -2 COR, 4:5 True ministry!about 7 hours ago

Without love we are nothing; we are nothing without love – 1 Cor. 13about 19 hours ago

God is practical & holy; we r prideful & sinful. Love is th moreexcellent way. We should pursu love & desire spiritual gifts – bt n tht ordrabout 19 hours ago 

Spiritual gifts r not th sign U hav th Holy Spirit. Loving God, th Lord Jesus Christ, His Word, yur famly, th brethrn, neighbor & enemies is about 19 hours ago 


As you can see, not only has his spelling become impaired, it seems that Steve does not know that messages like these are the core of the emerging missional message! Repent Steve!


CRN keeps tabs of whether Ingrid of Slice is a woman or not!

May 3, 2009

CRN agrees with Schuleter, who at last check is a Christian woman herself, who said: “If this is an example of Christian womanhood, who needs it?

We agree that Ingrid is a woman and did not need to subject Ingrid to any type of examination to find out otherwise!

In fact we did not even need to prove it by placing a perverted secular song to prove our point that Ingrid is a woman… we just discerned that a long time ago! We have not even seconded guessed out original thought on this as CRN seems to have.

Now, the other issue with the song used is that it is very “worldly”… women screaming “sock it to me” which means in today’s youth culture, “Have sex with me, cuz I am a woman!” No we here at the ODMafia respect women… especially married women like Ingrid. No, we did not even need to hear this song to talk about some sex fiend who grabs women at the beach by the hair and takes them back to his cave to rape them! Is that a truly Godly message we want to send to our kids and young women? Abduction, rape and abusing women is not funny Pastor Ken Silva! Shame on you!

No this is not parody on CRN’s site… this is a song about the abduction and rape of Bertha Butt, one of the Butt sisters, who after her abduction, falls in love with her abductor/rapist. This is really sick stuff!

This is just sickening that CRN used this song to prove Ingrid is a woman… and we are truly sickened by this lapse of judgmenalism let alone discernmentalism on CRN’s part. Ingrid should be outraged over this! We here truly feel sorrow for CRN as they promote abduction, rape and hot pants. And why does CRN want us to check out Ingrid’s breast implants? I guess sex sells! Repent! This is as bad as a Mark Driscoll sermon! At least Mark Driscoll calls out abusive men and does not promote the abuse of women by using sick humor to prove Ingrid is a woman! Ingrid call your lawyers and have that site closed down!

Phil Johnson reveals his Hugh Jass once again!

March 12, 2009

Pastor Hugh Jass aka Phil Johnson

Phil Johnson seems to be revealing his Hugh Jass once again! What a glorious day it is that Phil can share with all his Hugh Jass! I have personally never been so excited about Phil Johnson’s Hugh Jass as I am now.

Click here to see it while you can! Who knows if it will be here tomorrow. Or click here to see the Save Phil Johnson’s Hugh Jass reconstruction project page. We know, it’s a little janky, but we are working on it. Special thanks to commentor, Eagle Eye Mark S. for pointing out that the site was back up! Eagle Eye Mark S. also is the inspiration for the Save Phil Johnson’s Hugh Jass project. Oh and be sure to tell Phil Johnson how much you appreciate his Hugh Jass.

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