January 23, 2010
Top Discernmentalist declares, “I like cookies!”
While many cry, “Preference!” we true Discernmentalists know that what we prefer in our churches was handed down by God in the form of our Most Holy and Highest Doctrines. So, if one of our own discerns that cookies are good, and we can have them in our churches so we declare also, “I like cookies.”
Yet, unlike those emerging couch churches with those RCC candles, we do not allow them in the sanctuary during our Holy Sanctified Services.
So now you can add cookies to the official lists that are approved by Discernmentalists which reads so far as:
- Pews instead of chairs. God forbids comfort in the form of couches or stackable chairs as those are part of the emerging and seeker/purpose driven churches.
- Pastors must wear suits and ties. Now as the Highn-endedness of Holiness states: “Look, our culture understands that if you wear a suit and a tie, the occasion is formal…the occasion is serious. There’s a certain dignity. I don’t think there’s anything more serious or more dignified than coming before the Lord in worship. Look, I wear a suit and a tie because I want to portray seriousness, dignity, certain sober mindedness. When you call people together for the purpose of worshiping God in the collective church and you’re going to open the Word of God and speak, that you need to maintain a decorum and a dignity and a respect that comes from looking like you treat this as a very, very special occasion.” (note that John MacArthur does not care about presentation or being relevant to any culture… he seriously only preaches the Gospel in his church!)
- There must not be candles (except if you are Lutheran)
- One must never observe Advent. (Unless you are Ingrid Schlueter or Slice of Laodicia)
- You must never cuss, (unless it makes a point or if you think it is funny, don’t worry we give grace to the “worthy” people”
- You must never use a contemporary example except once or twice a year. (Again, that is too much like emerging or purpose/seeker driven churches)
- You must preach through the Sermon on the Mount, but never, ever, ever let it sink into your heart. Tell people Jesus just means that stuff for after they die and go to heaven!
- Never ever read the bible in any way that is “spiritual” or think about what you are reading as that is called contemplation which is evil. We must never think while reading that is dangerous.
- Never use logic or reason to understand the bible as that does not allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Likewise, it is too much like the early church practice of Christian Humanism who used logic and reason to approach and understand God.
- We proclaim that we must use logic and reason to approach and understand God. This looks like it contradicts #9 but if you do not think about it, it will not bother you!
- Pastors must only use John MacArthur as a source and no one else unless it is Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or Glen Beck. (We used to allow focus on the family, but no longer do!)
- Pastors or those who want to be pastor-like must quote Spurgeon and Calvin MORE than Jesus as Jesus tends to change people. God forbid that happens in OUR churches!
We will surely add more soon.
October 15, 2009
Recently our GOIP Researchmentalist Robot Monkies as in Monkeys that mock Catholic monks have come upon this convicting photo of those Evil Emergents. Our faithful party members Jack Chick
and Peter Ruckman
obtained this photograph via their Mighty G…od Fortress Space Station on Mars that they were Raptured up to after escaping the 10 Foot Tall Black-lipped Alien UFO Anti-Christ
. They got there via our Holy Time Machine which took them to an Alternative Future Universe run by those Apostate Emergents and Human-Animals hybrids. Fearing for their lives and the safety of our Pure Doctrines, they rushed back to the past to post this photo exposing those Heretical Emergents for the Bible-Corrupters
that they are. So do you still think those Emergents aren’t Evil imposter Christians who are Spiritual Terrorists
out to destroy our Pure Churches, Pure Doctrines and Pure Bibles? If you still don’t believe us this photo should remove all doubt. We all know that all of those Evil Emergents support same-sex marriage and we know with Absolute Certainty that if gays and lesbians are allowed to get married that the next logical step is interspecies marriage. And that’s just what will happen if those Satan controlled Emergents get their way. Is this what we want for our children’s future—interspecies marriage? Human–Animal hybrids— “Manimals
?” We think not that’s why we must impose our Pure Doctrines on everyone by military and government force. Praise God!
Don Jobson—Standing on the Absolute Truth of Orthomarriage as espoused by only by God’s Only Inerrant Party.
September 1, 2009
Unknown for several years Discerning the World has been roaming the continent to spread Discernmentalist Truth and to expose heresy, false teaching, apostasy and anything generally DTW has a problem with. This TRUTH VAN was secretly built using an Abomination Nation engine, and has a specially made Take A Stand Bible Based Satellite System (BS) truth-link for navigation and heresy detection.
Our research robot monkeys were doing independent research when stopping in for a coffee at Starbucks they accidentally backed into the Truth Van (fortunately our monkeys drive without car insurance) and quickly drove away without having to file a claim. Incidentally, paint marks left on our ODMafia vehicle prove without a doubt that this is the rumoured Truth Van that has been sighted in Iowa, Montana and Michigan over the past year or two. What is strange about this is that home base is in South Africa…but we never doubt the research of our robot monkeys.
DTW has since been forced to go public with the Truth Van.
August 30, 2009
Internet shopping for heretics
Users of social networks are giving away vital information about themselves and their whereabouts that is being used by Discernmentalists to create a list of heretics, according to a new report by the British-based ministry Legalism & Over-generalization.
The report “The Digital Discernmentalist,” found 38 percent of users of sites such as Facebook and Twitter have posted status updates detailing their theology and 33 percent have posted status updates saying they are looking for a new church.
In addition, 23 percent of social media users have discussed theology “wall-to-wall” outside the privacy of their own page and 17 percent have reported seeing people’s theology posted on pages that can be seen by strangers.
“There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Discernmentalists are using social networks to develop relationships with people to identify likely heretics,” said Michael Stalker, reformed Discernmentalist and star of the BBC’s “Beat the Discernmentalist” series.
“It is incredibly easy to use social networking sites to target people, and then scope out more information on their actual beliefs using other internet sites like Google Street View, all from the comfort of the sofa.”
August 11, 2009
Steve Austin is a man barely alive. In a freak accident, amateur truth warrior Steve Austin crash landed (not surprisingly) in the Nevada Desert next to a downed UFO. Steve’s body was recovered, and with spare parts from the Sony Aibo, and Toyota’s Asimo he was reassembled with new working appendages. Unfortunately, due to copyright infringement all his electronic parts are forced to run on Windows 95 Service Pack 1. Even so Steve was recruited by the best and brightest in the Online Discernmentalist Ministries Religious Police Force. Despite Steve’s limitations he is still able to use his bionic body to haughtily judge discern faster, quicker and higher than any other truth warrior before him. For instance, his bionic eye can detect heresy from 300 ft, view x-rays of Brian McLaren, using truth recognition detect Bill Hybel’s thought patterns. Using his bionic legs Steve can speed to an Emergent gathering (to spy of course!!!!) or to intercept Rob Bell in a moments notice. Furthermore, using a carefully devised logical algorythm he can locate couches and candles in almost any neighbourhood and attribute them the the Emerging Church….who else would have these instruments of unrighteousness?
Stay tuned for more!
ODMafia is proud to announce that we have a truth warrior hero in our midst!
July 20, 2009
I suspected something was in the water that was causing all this new heresy! Now I know what is going on. They are all drinking Emerge! If they were real Christians they would be drinking Kool Aid!