IS PAUL PROCTOR DRIVING CHURCH NUMBERS DOWN?

November 29, 2019

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Using his discernmentalist skills Paul Proctor is quoted as saying “The reports are everywhere now about the declining numbers of church members and baptisms – especially among Southern Baptists…Everyone is trying to figure out what’s wrong.” Having insight into God’s will Proctor notes “This might come as a shock to many, but I would suggest that the answer here might just be nothing is wrong – that those declining numbers that are troubling the pulpits of American churches right now may well be God’s will being carried out by His own being called out of a growing apostasy flourishing within them.”

Of course it could be that the numbers have been over exaggerated by attendees who never actually go to church, or members defecting to other denominations, or house churches….but we digress…

Paul further states “If God is in control, as so many of today’s church members are fond of saying – then He must also be in control of the declining numbers.” However, we do not want to blame God for Paul Proctor presumptuous claims…we at the ODMafia however do want to claim him as an expert discernmentalist

…if he can read the mind of God…we want him on our side.

Truthslayer


John MacArthur (PBUH) repents—comes out in support of Women Pastors!!!

October 24, 2019

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Paula White; woman pastor; one of Trump’s Evangelical advisors

“I’m voting for an ideology that is closer to Scripture,” MacArthur (PBUH) said. “Because [the Republican platform] is political responsibility, work, it has a place for the Bible, it has a place for God, it understands the necessity of a family, it understands the role of government is primarily to carry a sword to threaten evildoers and protect those who do well.”

What does this ideology that is closer to Scripture include? Women Pastors of course: “Take it from the woman dubbed President Trump’s “personal pastor.” The Donald Trump that Florida evangelical minister Paula White sees is a good listener, a man who takes his faith seriously while not always being fluent in “Christianese” and, unlike so many of his predecessors, a politician who has kept his promises to faith voters and evangelical Christian groups after he won the presidency with the help of their votes.” (Source)

“Paula White-Cain is also a female pastor, and by promoting her book, (Robert) Jeffress and Jack Graham (two-term president of the SBC) are backing a woman who, according to their denomination, is not submitting to “those roles assigned to her by God” (at a time when others in their tradition are prominently clashing over this very issue). In addition, White-Cain is divorced, and in SBC circles, “divorce culture” represents one of the most significant threats facing American society.” (Source)

We are shocked—shocked—how could our Beloved Pope (PBUH) have erred so gravely? What’s next will the Prosperity Gospel be deemed okay? Can we deny the Trinity and still be considered an orthodox Christian? Stay tuned to the ODMafia and let us do all the Discernmentalism for you!

 


The Good Old Days of the Christian Church

August 2, 2019

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Super discernmentalist Paul Proctor notes “Driving across town the other day, I passed by a church that always displays an inspirational message on their sign out front. Such messages are very common these days and often quite thought provoking. The one I saw most recently had me thinking all the way home.

It read: “Churches are hospitals for sinners, not museums for saints.”

“How sad and true, I thought to myself. Churches have become hospitals for sinners, haven’t they? They used to be spiritual fortresses built in enemy territory where soldiers for Christ were recruited, trained and equipped for doing battle against sin and evil in society with open bibles, convicted hearts and committed lives.”

We at ODMafia like the good old days when we could burn heretics at the stake. Or going further back in time, like St. Paul’s Corinthian church (the golden age) where good old fashioned believers had sex with their step  moms and they got waisted during communion. Sigh….we wish we could go back to when times were better.

—ODMafia fortified with Our Truth


1 Hour Calvinizing guaranteed clean!

May 20, 2010

The ODMafia is now offering 1 hour Calvinizing to make sure you are clean before Jesus. Yes, make you Election sure with 1 hour Calvinizing!


Bow down to the King of kings… OR ELSE!

May 17, 2010

One of the greatest theologians of our day Lemmy, has written the greatest ODM worship song ever. Enjoy!


How to dehorn an emergent

May 4, 2010


Dehorning an emergent is much like dehorning a cow

There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.

Yes, it is just that easy to dehorn an emergent.

Original article here


Moaning and Groaning Christians

April 25, 2010

babyThe ODmafia Research Robot Monkeys have been doing their homework and discovered this incredible discernmentalist insight by Paul Proctor “Today, they’re [church‘] largely filled with bedridden believers who pass the time in and out small group therapy, languishing over their ills and misfortunes – forever discussing their aches and pains with anyone who’ll listen – lying around moaning and groaning about daily discomforts, inconveniences and “felt needs””

How does Paul know this?

1)     Paul gets his information the same way I do, he intercepts the brainwaves of parishioners from across the continent and draws judgmental conclusions from it.

2)    Paul Proctor has spent billions of hours in churches across America

My immediate inclination (which is always correct) is that Paul Proctor has a special discernmentalist vortex that allows him to see into the minds of others….instead of having to attend 10’s of thousands of churches every sunday, interviewing, polling to ascertain who is a moaner and who is a groaner (when we’re really lucky – its both!!!)

Pay no attention to the fact that Mr. Proctor is moaning and groaning about his fellow believers. Its simply enough that he is pointing out the ills of others… and we submit that we like this sort of discernment….in fact we advocate it.

Dr. Truthslayer

Truthslayer


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