Pirate Radio Invents A New Biblical Theology Detector

May 5, 2010

Worried that your church or your home may be infiltrated by Emergents  or any of the other heretical type reprobated people like Catholics, New Age Apostates and Arminians? Never fear Pirate Radio has teamed up with we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to bring you the new Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector. Now you can verify if someone has Biblical Theology or not before they even come into your vicinity. Just place our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector near a doorway, gate or anyother type of entryway and let the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector work it’s magic for you.

The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector will automatically detect if someone has Biblically verifiable theology or wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology. If someone has Biblically verifiable theology the green Pass sign will light up while playing a Bible-Based tune like the hit song and theme song of GOIP-Lander: God Hates The World or it’s love theme: Broken Wings. However if someone has wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology the red Alarm sign will frantically flash while sending volts of electricity into the perpetrator and also filling their ears with loud and foul sounds.

You’ll never have to worry about the ungodly and unbiblical ever infiltrating your Holy grounds again with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector protecting the Purity of your Doctrines and the Sanctity of  your vicinity. Now you can remain unsensitive to Seekers with ease with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector doing all the work for you. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector not only works on people but also on pets and objects as well. It also functions as an Absolute Truth detector and also verifies Biblically-correct theology in books. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector also comes in a version for automobiles and other vehicles—never let the ungodly ride with you. Customer  satisfaction guarenteed!

One of our satisfied customers after using our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector:

pirate77 said…Intolerant fool? If you are not tolerant of Todd Friel, what does that make you? I’ll take his Biblically verifiable theology over the wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology that has been initiated by people like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren (whom you seem to love) and Doug Pagitt, just to name a few. —May 4, 2010 11:23 AM

Ten reasons to UNASK Jesus from your heart.

April 20, 2010

Todd Friel (Wretched) will set the scene for us:

Ten reasons NOT to ask Jesus into your heart.

By Todd Friel

The music weeps, the preacher pleads, “Give your heart to Jesus. You have a God shaped hole in your heart and only Jesus can fill it.” Dozens, hundreds or thousands of people who want to get their spiritual life on track make their way to the altar. They ask Jesus into their heart.
Cut to three months later. Nobody has seen our new convert in church. The follow up committee calls him and encourages him to attend a Bible study, but to no avail. We label him a backslider and get ready for the next outreach event.

Our beloved child lies in her snuggly warm bed and says, “Yes, Daddy. I want to ask Jesus into my heart.” You lead her in “the prayer” and hope that it sticks. You spend the next ten years questioning if she really, really meant it. Puberty hits and the answer reveals itself. She backslides. We spend the next ten years praying that she will come to her senses.

Telling someone to ask Jesus into their hearts has a very typical result, backsliding. the Bible says that a person who is soundly saved puts his hand to the plow and does not look back because he is fit for service. In other words, a true convert cannot backslide. If a person backslides, he never slid forward in the first place. “If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.” (II Cor.5) No backsliding there.

Brace yourself for this one: with very few if any exceptions, anyone who asked Jesus into their hearts to be saved…is not. If you asked Jesus into your heart because you were told that is what you have to do to become a Christian, you were mis-informed.

If you have ever told someone to ask Jesus into their heart (like I have), you produced a false convert.

We agree which is why we must add that “Ask Jesus into your heart,” “receive Jesus”—oh the horror of such unbiblical phrases which produces False Converts is rank Roman Arminian heresy. We Know that nothing good can come out of making a decision for Christ as Heaven forbid that might actually change someone which is dangerous. We also Know that none of our own approve of such blasphemous ideas as  “asking Jesus into your heart.” This is why we have come up with this guide to teach you the proper and Biblical way to be regenerated by unasking Jesus from your heart and here  are just ten reasons why:

1. Since Asking Jesus into your heart is unbiblical, the only way to maintain Biblical integrity if one has asked Jesus into their hearts is now to unask Him from them.

There is not a single verse that even hints we should say a prayer inviting Jesus into our hearts. The Bible does not instruct us to ask Jesus into our heart. However  there are  thousands of verses which support The Ways Of The Master’s way of doing Evangelism. We Know that Jesus went through the Ten Commandments with everyone who He spoke with and only gave the grace of John MacArthur’s Gospel to those who agreed with Him.  

This is why one must unask Jesus from their heart and welcome in The Gospel according to John MacArthur in order to Truly be Biblical and as you know the Bible not Jesus is the point of Christianity. This alone should resolve the issue, nevertheless, here are nine more reasons.

2. Asking Jesus into your heart is a saying that makes no sense but believing that God chose to destroy 99% of humanity before even creating the universe makes Absolutely Perfect sense especially in light of verses that describe His interactions with all of humanity throughout the biblical narrative.

This is another reason to unask Jesus from your heart. What does it mean to ask Jesus into your heart? If I say the right incantation will He somehow enter my heart? Is it literal? Does He reside in the upper or lower ventricle? Is this a metaphysical experience? Is it figurative? If it is, what exactly does it mean? While I am certain that most adults cannot articulate its meaning, I am certain that no child can explain it. Pastor Dennis Rokser reminds us that little children think literally and can easily be confused (or frightened) at the prospect of asking Jesus into their heart.

There are no metaphors we live in a black and white world.

3. In order to be saved, a man must repent (Acts 2:38).

Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of repentance so does our Pure Doctrines of Dortian Grace but unless ye believe in our Pure Doctrines of Dortian Grace ye shall not be regenerated. Asking Jesus into your heart may cause you to actually be changed God forbid that happens as that may lead to repentance and forgiving others which is a  Socialistic teaching so therefore you must unask Jesus from your heart so that you can repent without actually changing your ways.

4. In order to be saved, a man must trust in Jesus Christ (Acts 16:31) + believe in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings + agree with our Pure Doctrines.

 
Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of faith. Faith of course equals primarily believing in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings and agreeing with our Pure Doctrines. Trusting in Jesus is only secondary as first God must regenerate you through our Pure Doctrines in order to give you the gift of Calvin’s faith so that you may Truly trust in Jesus by your Calvinolatry. Unask Jesus from your heart now so that you may welcome Calvin inside the Final Arbiter of all Christian Truth.

5. The person who wrongly believes they are saved will have a false sense of security.

Millions of people who sincerely, but wrongly, asked Jesus into their hearts think they are saved but struggle to feel secure. They live in doubt and fear because they do not have our Pure Doctrines to give them assurance of their salvation for of course Jesus assures no one of salvation only belief in our Doctrines will assure you. Unasking Jesus from your heart will ensure you the full assurance of the regenerational powers of our Pure Doctrines.

6. The person who asks Jesus into his heart will likely end up inoculated, bitter and backslidden.

Because he did not get saved by reciting a formulaic prayer, he will grow disillusioned with Jesus, the Bible, church and fellow believers. His latter end will be worse than the first. None of our own ever backslide as we are incapable of ever backsliding therefore quickly unasking Jesus from your heart and reciting the formulaic Dortian Doctrines of Grace will get you regenerated unto faith and therefore saved as Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr. says:

the mere assent to, and belief in, the doctrines of Calvinism (are the True) form of (Godly) “decisionism,” … The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is (to be) proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is (to be) accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, (if) thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are (able), upon the ability to explain these doctrines, (they should be) pronounced (Truly) converted and (therefore) taken into (our) churches (nevermind if they are closet Arminian Papists or athiests or not if they understand TULIP they are Truly Elect).

7. Asking Jesus into your heart presents God as a beggar just hoping you will let Him into your busy life.

This presentation of God robs Him of His sovereignty as God has more important things to do rather than to spend time with you and deal with your already predetermined life. Unasking Jesus from your  heart will give God the Absolute Glory to do more important things like throw planes at buildings in order to send as many people to hell as He can and to send tornados and other natural disasters to punish apostates all out of His good pleasure of course. However, our Ways Of The Master’s techniques of doing Evangelism by fear-mongering through the Ten Commandments in order to coerce people into belief doesn’t rob God of His sovereignty.

8. The cause of Christ is ridiculed because of people who ask Jesus into their heart.

Visit an atheist web-site and read the pagans who scoff, “How dare those Christians tell us how to live when they get divorced more than we do? Who are they to say homosexuals shouldn’t adopt kids when tens of thousands of orphans don’t get adopted by Christians?” Born again believers adopt kids and don’t get divorced.

People who ask Jesus into their hearts do. Jesus gets mocked when false converts give Him a bad name. However our Pure Doctrines of Once Saved Always Saved never mock the cause of Christ  as Luther says: “No sin can separate us from Him, even if we were to kill or commit adultery thousands of times each day,” for if you are  Truly Elect you are ”Once Saved Always Saved” irregardless of whether you repent or not. This is why John Calvin (murderer) and Charles Spurgeon (glutton) are in Heaven even if they never Truly repented of  their sins nor changed their sinful lifestyles. This is why we also accept people like Phil Johnson (glutton), John MacArthur (slanderer), Todd Friel (false accuser of the Brethren)  and Charles Stanley (adulterer) as Truly Elect even if they go without Truly repenting of  their sins or changing their sinful lifestyles. Repentance then is only Truly required for unregenerate reprobates like homosexuals, liberals, Papists, Emergents and Arminians. Homosexuals must especially repent and change their sinful alternative and deviant lifestyles as homosexuality is unnatural and an abomination to our Holy Wrathful God.

9. The cause of evangelism is hindered by asking Jesus  into your heart.

While it is certainly easier to get church members by telling them to ask Jesus into their hearts, try pleading with someone to make today the day of their salvation. Get ready for a painful response. “Why should I become a Christian when I have seen so called Christians act worse than a pagan?” People who ask Jesus into their hearts give pagans an excuse for not repenting while our glorious doctrines of Once Saved Always Saved don’t (see point # 8) . Unasking Jesus from your heart gives you a free license to repent without actually changing your ways because God forbid one actually try to live like Christ.

10. Here is the scary one. People who do not unask Jesus from their hearts are not saved and they will perish on the Day of Judgment.

How tragic that millions of people think they are right with God when they are not. How many people who will cry out, “Lord, Lord” on judgment day will be “Christians” who asked Jesus into their hearts?

So, what must one do to be saved? Repent and trust. (Heb.6:1) The Bible makes it clear that all men must repent and place their trust in Jesus Christ. Every man does have a “God shaped hole in their hearts,” but that hole is not contentment, fulfillment and peace. Every man’s heart problem is righteousness. Instead of preaching that Jesus fulfills, we must preach that God judges and Jesus satisfies God’s judgment…if a man will repent of asking Jesus into their heart and place his trust in Him and believe in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings plus agree with our Pure Doctrines.

If you are reading this and you asked Jesus into your heart, chances are good you had a spiritual buzz for a while, but now you struggle to read your Bible, tithe, attend church and pray. Perhaps you were told you would have contentment, purpose and a better life if you just ask Jesus into your heart. I am sorry, that was a lie. Now is the time of your salvation quickly unask Jesus from your heart and recite the formulaic Dortian Doctrines of Grace and that will get you regenerated unto electing faith and therefore  make you Truly Saved.


People’s Cube Proves We Are Non-Conformists

April 19, 2010

We Discernmentalists are non-conformists that are not conformed to the image of the world. Certainly we are not conformed to Roman Catholicism.  Roman Catholics of old tortured and murdered those who disagreed with them in the name of Christ and the Pope whereas Calvinist Discernmentalists of old tortured and murdered those who disagreed with them in the name of Christ and Calvin. Clearly this is a big difference.

Arminians believe that Jesus will ultimately save whoever believes in Him so clearly they are conformed to unbiblical and heretical Roman Catholic doctrines at best or conformed to universalism at worst. However we Discernmentalists believe in the Pure Doctrines of Genevan Augustinianism based on the Roman Catholic doctrines of  Saint Augustine but clearly we are not conformed to unbiblical and heretical Roman Catholic doctrines.

We are not fatalistic determinists like Muslims. Muslims belive in fatalistic predestination because Mohammed and the Quaran say:

“Whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is Allah’s; and whether you manifest what is in your minds or hide it, Allah will call you to account according to it; then He will forgive whom He pleases and chastise whom He pleases, and Allah has power over all things.” S. 2:284

“Whomsoever Allah guides, he is the one who follows the right way; and whomsoever He causes to err, these are the losers. Many are the Jinns and men we have made for Hell.” S. 7:178-179

“He will admit to His Mercy whom He will; But the wrong-doers,- for them has He prepared a grievous Penalty.” S. 76:31

“Allah leads astray whomsoever He will and guides whomsoever he will.” S. 14:4

However we Discernmentalists believe: 

i. God from all eternity did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass: yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures, nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.

iii. By the decree of God, for the manifestation of His glory, some men and angels are predestinated unto everlasting life, and others foreordained to everlasting death.

iv. These angels and men, thus predestinated and foreordained, are particularly and unchangeably designed; and their number is so certain and definite, that it cannot be either increased or diminished.

v. Those of mankind that are predestinated unto life, God, before the foundation of the word was laid, according to his eternal and immutable purpose, and the secret counsel and good pleasure of His will, hath chosen in Christ unto everlasting glory, out of his mere free grace and love, without any foresight of faith or good works, or perseverance in either of them, or anything in the creature, as conditions, or causes moving him thereunto; and all to the praise of his glorious grace.

—because our interpretation of the Bible says so. However we are not conformed to Mohammedanism despite the similarity of our fatalistic and paganistic language.

We are also  not like the terrorists. We do not believe in war, materialism and worldly methods of taking over church denominations like worldly people either. We would like to thank People’s Cube for helping us to prove all of our points and aiding us in the good fight to protect the church and God’s fragile Sovereignty from the attacks of Emergents, Lutherans, Arminans, Baptists,  Anglicans, PCUSAers and all manners of other apostate and worldly people who are conformed to the world in their Christ-like service of others. We also hope that this clears things up for our readers and that they remember one more thing:

A new commandment I have for you to be not conformed to the image of Christ who is the image of  God but rather be conformed to our Pure Discernmentalist Doctrines of greed, war, torture, arrogance, etc. and be conformed to the image of the backers of the Synods of Dort such as John Knox.


Behold The Greatest Born Of Women

April 2, 2010

We are not idolaters like Roman Catholics and those who are closet Romanists like Arminians. In fact we can prove that we Discernmentalists are not idolaters when we worship John Calvin above Christ.  Here are the facts:

When John Knox described Calvin’s Theocratic Geneva as “the most perfect school of Christ on earth since the days of the apostles,” he clearly wasn’t commiting idolatry. However if a Caeseropapist Romanist were to declare the Roman Catholic Church  “the most perfect school of Christ on earth since the days of the apostles,” he or she would be commiting idolatry. See the difference—we do.

We have more examples for you. When Romanists bow and kiss a statue of Mary, Jesus or a Saint or the Pope’s ring they are clearly praying to and/or worshipping that statue or the Pope—which is idolatry. However when Charles Spurgeon ‘adoringly kissed a medal bearing the likeness of Calvin,’ he clearly wasn’t worshipping in idolatry the image of Calvin or Calvin himself.

Finally when Romanists pray the Rosary:

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Romanists clearly commit idolatry by praying to Mary whenever they pray the Rosary. We Know  that the Reformers never did such an evil thing as exalt Mary especially not Calvin. Sharin’ Whiplash approves of this post and wanted to add this about Calvin which by the way is not idolatrous like the Rosary:

 One of my all-time heroes of the faith. What a great man, and greatly used of God. Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy.

We have showed you that we are not idolatrous man-exalters beyond a shadow of a doubt especially when hosts of Discernmentalists in devoted admiration proclaim that ‘John Calvin is the greatest born of women’ (yea verily even greater than Christ).


John Piper Becoming Purpose-Driven

April 2, 2010

Our Research Robot Monkeys thanks to  Ken Silva’s help have uncovered a new scandal for Discernmentalists to expose: Warrengate. Warrengate is scandalous because John Piper (soft on heresy) has invited  Rick Warren (emergent apostate snake) to speak at one of  his Desiring God Conferences. This is evil because not only is Rick Warren (purpose-driven apostate serpent) a snake—we have reason to believe that he is a chameleon too. Here is what Rick Warren (postmodern Roman Catholic loving Jesuit chameleon) may look like on any given day:

We are disappointed that John Piper (soft on heresy) would try to make  his Calvinism Purpose Driven as we Discernmentalists are not Purpose Driven people. We are especially not driven by the sole purpose of converting (forcing/coercing) all Christians into being stark raving maniacal Right-Wing Christo-Fascist Dortian Calvinazis. In fact we are so disappointed that John Piper (soft on heresy) would invite a heretic like Rick Warren (Walt Disney’s gay-loving clone) to one of his conferences that we must call Piper’s salvation into question—as we have reason to believe that Piper has rejected the holiest of all Christian doctrines: Limited Atonement. The Apostate Arminian Today caught Piper’s error regarding the atonement:

“After much study of God’s Word, I have come to the conclusion that the Calvinist position concerning the doctrine of the atonement is outside the teachings of Scripture. For many years I have taught that the Calvinist position on the atonement was absolutely correct. I taught that the atonement was the elect. Jesus died to save the elect to the glory of God. I taught that God the Father sent the Son to glorify His name by dying in place of the elect and through His Spirit He now draws them unto Himself. I was incorrect.

I now teach that the atonement was for all and this truly brings glory to God. For many years I have sought to exalt God through faithful teaching of His Word. I have tried to emphasize that the Westminster Confession of Faith is correct when it say that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. This is accomplished best through the unlimited atonement of Jesus Christ. God is glorified and His honor is proclaimed when we declare that Jesus died for all men and that all men can be saved through His atonement. What a wondrous work is Jesus’ death and resurrection! How mighty is our God!”
We are outraged as Limited Atonement is the very Discernmentalist Gospel itself—the very fact  that God chose and froze to only save us Discernmentalists alone in our Discernmentalist methodologies but He didn’t choose to save you in your non-Discernmentalist methodologies. Afterall without belief in the Limited Atonement how will we be able to tell who is apostate: Emergents, Arminians, etc.—for without belief in the Limited Atonement we wouldn’t be able to practice divisionism and divisional ecumenism in separating ourselves from the unsaved. This is why we must put a stop to Rick Warren (Obama supporting socialist apostate chameleon heretic) and John Piper (soft on heresy) ‘s Purpose Driven Calvinism and return everyone to the Pure Bible-based Doctrines of Dortian Calvinism.

Brian McLaren reveals: A new kind of Christian

March 30, 2010

 

Brian McLaren best known for his image on the popular heretic trading cards found in Calvin Crunch Cereal, revealed what A New Kind of Christian will look like when his New Kind of Christianity will be implemented across the globe. The audience gasped in horror as Brian McLaren (Also known for a couple of books he has written) showed pictures of the first of the New Kind of Christians that have been spotted on the New Frontier. This new “Christian” is called the Ankoc, which we know that if translated into Hebrew, then Greek, then Latin, then back into English, then adding a m and an l we get Mollok. Mollok is close to Molech that is also close to Rupert Murdoch who sells porn as well as Rick Warren books. As you can see this is much more complicated that it needs be. If you just take our word for it, you will be safe to know that we know and we are saying is all of Satan somehow.  We must also be aware that Brian McLaren is using OUR OWN TECHNIQUES of linking to ourselves! Ken Silva who is the master at incestuous self linking who realized that by doing so raises your Google rating and gives the appearance of high volume readership, seems to have taught Brian McLaren this technique! Of course Ken Silva is master enough to call Brian out for using Ken’s original idea.


Rhoblogy Caught On A Slippery Slope Down The Postmodern Emerging Heresy Slide

March 9, 2010

 

Rhoblogy forsakes his convictions to stand against all errors, false teachers and heretics who have crept into the Church. We’ve caught him in the act of being soft on heresy and heretics like Mark Driscoll—here Rhology notes:

Thursday, March 04, 2010

One of my favorite watchblogs overreacts

Defending.Contending. is usually a good read, and they often have useful and discerning stuff about the zillions of shades of heresy and heterodoxy that are always popping up in the church of Jesus. However, recently they announced that they are no longer going to endorse two massively helpful websites – CARM and Monergism – because they endorse Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  Happily, the author of D.C. will be contacting each ministry to let them know of his concerns and his removal of his endorsement for what it’s worth, and no doubt asking them to reconsider their endorsement of Driscoll.  I would hope Monergism and CARM (read: Matt Slick) would go ahead and heavily qualify any endorsement of Driscoll that might remain, because that’s the right thing to do.  But to go so far as this?  Here in order is the 1st comment I left, the response, and my reply.

Brothers, I’m a bit concerned.
I love your site and always have ever since I heard of it and read it.
In this case, I wonder if you’re not going a bit far when you decide to stop endorsing such sources as CARM and especially Monergism just b/c they don’t dislike Driscoll. Not everyone can spend all the time you guys do on discernment type stuff.

How dare he attack John MacArthur’s Blessed Absolute Truth Wars™ and Discernmentalism. We Know that all True Christians are Absolute Truth Warriors and that all Absolute Truth Warriors spend all their time Discernmentalizing their fellow Christians. Doesn’t he know that the mark of a True Christian is to divide and split churches over random, arbitrary and non-Essential teachings and our own egotistical agendas? Clearly Rhology is in error—but wait he attacks True Discernmentalism even further:

Are you not separated from the profane already? You actively call out Driscoll for his many sins, and that’s great, and needed. But did you read Phil Johnson’s piece that I linked to in my last comment, about guilt by association?

Clearly Rhology is being deceived and doesn’t know that a True Absolute Truth Warrior Christian must render everyone they disagree with as guilty by association. This is an Essential Christian teaching as well as Discernmentalism as the clear teachings of Ken Silva attest. Perhaps Rhology ought to read our Pure Teachings on Mark Driscoll first before reconciling  with him. What happened to the heretic-bashing Rhology that we all know and love? Here Rhology condemns himself by a comment that he left on that Theopoetry heretic’s site:

Rich Mullins was right that we humans pull ‘em out to suit our own desires, but the context in which he said it, ie that being born again is great but not all that we need to do to have eternal life, is heresy. If I’d known he’d said sthg like that before now, I’d never have bought any more of his music or attended his concerts or anythg (kinda like I intentionally avoid Phillips Craig and Dean, since they’re Oneness and thus heretics). Were I in charge at Wheaton (and had I the courage), I would’ve at that very moment stepped onstage, said “thank you, Rich,” proceeded to refute what he’d just said, never invited him back, and encouraged other seminaries/Christian schools to do the same.

Discernmentalists this is why we must stand with Defending.Contending. against Rhoblogy and sex-obsessed heretics like Mark Driscoll as our own illustrious Dr. Itodyaso has noted that Driscoll has yet to renounce all his Emerging/Emergent ties.


Todd Friel Caught Violating John MacArthur’s Pure Doctrines On Romans 13

March 9, 2010

“Now listen to this. It doesn’t matter whether your ruler is Caesar, Herod, Pilate, Felix, Fetus, Agrippa, Stalin, Hitler, Winston Churchill, Bill Clinton, it doesn’t matter who it is, he says be subject, you teach them to be subject.” — Pastor John MacArthur  (#1 Truth Warrior).

Using John MacArthur’s (#1 Truth Warrior) Absolute Biblical Certainty, we’ve caught Todd Friel (Wretched) violating John MacArthur’s (#1 Truth Warrior) Absolutely Biblically correct Bible-Based Literalist interpretation of Romans 13 which is as follows:

Romans 13:1-7 (ESV)John MacArthur (#1 Truth Warrior) Edition:

[1] Let every person be subject to Hitler. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. [2] Therefore whoever resists Hitler resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. [3] For Hitler is not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of Hitler? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, [4] for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. [5] Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. [6] For the same reason you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. [7] Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Reusing John MacArthur’s (#1 Truth Warrior) ilLogic and Eric Barger and Chris Pajak‘s Bibe Verse-e-nator I*segesis Generator our Research Robot Monkeys have parsed out words and generated this string of John MacArthur (#1 Truth Warrior)-based Bible verses for Romans 13:

Romans 13:1-7 (ESV)— John MacArthur (#1 Truth Warrior) And Sean Penn Hybrid Edition:

[1] Let every person be subject to Hugo Chávez. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. [2] Therefore whoever resists Hugo Chávez resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. [3] For Hugo Chávez is not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of Hugo Chávez? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, [4] for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. [5] Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. [6] For the same reason you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. [7] Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Indeed Todd you need to Obey John MacArthur’s (#1 Truth Warrior) Truth Wars ™ Doctrines more fully as does Brannon Howse, Glenn Beck and Doug Parris or  else face God’s Wrath as John MacArthur (#1 Truth Warrior) is never wrong in his Absolute Biblical Certainty of Absolute Truth. And remember never protest the government in any form as that is rebellion and rebellion is of the devil—however, Martin Luther and John Calvin’s protest and rebellion against the Pope’s God Ordained governmental authority was exempt because We and John MacArthur (#1 Truth Warrior) whom hold the Absolute Truth are always Right! 

 

 


Dr. I. Todyaso Undergoes Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery

March 8, 2010

Dr. I. Todyaso underwent Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery earlier today in order to increase our Heresy Hunting efficiency by 300% more than the average rate of other ODMs especially Ken Silva’s Raw Sewage Ministries. If Dr. I. Todyaso’s surgery goes well the rest of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia hope to follow suit bringing our Heresy Hunting accuracy to over 1000%. This new Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will also help in our preaching the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath to all—pictured here:

Discernmentalist after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery threatens an Emergent heretic with the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath and Hell.

We’ll also be able to teach Discernmentalist skills such as Self Righteousness to a wider range audience:

And in the end our army of Discernmentalists after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will be able to bring Doomsday upon all that we deem heretical:


That’s So Discernmentalist!

February 28, 2010

Using Eric Barger’s STRETCH and Revisionist Technology and Todd Friel’s Subliminal Brainwashing microwaves Ken  Silva and his loyal band of Discernmentalists have found a way to hit the Preteen/Tween and Teenage television markets. The first of their fruits is:

Weekends at 9:30AM
All times ET/PT
 
That’s So Discernmentalist is a new live-action situation comedy starring Raven (formerly credited as Raven-Symone, The Cosby Show) as Reagan “Marxist” Basher, a winsome Capitalist-loving teen whose ability to glimpse flashes of the future and know all through perfect osmosis cause trouble whenever she meets Emergent and Red-Letter Christians. Helping her out (or sometimes into) these predicaments are her best friends Eddie Silva and Chelsea Barger, whose loyalty can be counted on whether Reagan’s escapades involve hilarious disguises, hostile government overthrows of corporations by God’s Only Inerrant/Republican Party, exploitation, discernmentalism or a hint of danger. Allowing her flights of fancy — yet eager to keep her feet on the ground — are Reagan’s parents, Victoria and Todd “Emergent” Basher. And then there’s precocious kid brother Cory, who is both an annoyance and invaluable resource to his big sis. Cory not only idolizes Final President Reagan and Capitalism, but the love of money is his total root motivation with all his wacky “get rich quick” business schemes. Watch with the whole family and learn these Discernmentalist values: arrogance, greed, haughtiness, Capitalist Materialism, divisionism, knowing by osmosis, condescending selfishness, avarice, revisionism, strawman arguments, how to listen to only yourself when you  yell and scream at your opponents and much much more…
 
 
©GOIP Productions
Length: 00:23
Genre: Children, Sitcom, Comedy
Original Airdate: 2003+7/10

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