The Heart Of The Discernmentalist Gospel

November 2, 2010

Most of you are going to hell because you were not specially chosen and frozen like We God’s Truth Biblical Elect (Calvinazis) are—so quake now in mortal fear and terror at the horrors that await ye, reprobates, especially if you are Roman Catholic, Arminian, a Pentecostal tongue-babbler, Emergent, queer or even worse all of the above:

P.S. Hell is a “real place” so We’d hate to be all of you reprobates (non-Calvinazis) on the day that you die so remember We tried to lovingly warn you by the Absolute Truth of our Pure Doctrines which have saved Us from an eternity in flames.

P. P. S. This is also warning to Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to get back in line with our Pure Doctrines.


How To Tell If Your Church Supports The Truth War

July 14, 2010

 

Use  these easy steps to find out if your church fully supports John MacArthur and his Truth War©®™ or not: We here believe that in order to be a Truly ODM-approved Church, your church must support the Truth Wars 100%—and to be extra-biblical in defending Truth go to “church three times a week.” Of course, we’re also all about the rules. Rules, Rules, Rules—you can’t have a True Truth War without a list of rules to follow as Truth requires discipline and self-righteousness. You may be fit for a Truth War/ODM Church if you take part in any of the following things, activities or beliefs:

 The Christian school you attended was connected to your church/cult, or you were home-schooled. Your church was committed to the “Doctrine of Separation” and strong discipline. You believed Billy Graham was the “bad guy” and that all other churches and religious organizations were disobedient and in “sin.” Your church also controlled nearly every aspect of your life. Your family may have even needed to get permission from the pastor before going on vacation (if you dared leaving in the first place). If you are female (heaven forbid), you most likely wore long skirts and the IFB ODM-Approved modest clothing item known as “culottes” most of your life whenever you went in public (you even went swimming in them).

You  may already be in a Truth War-supporting Church if you or your pastor is either for or against any of the following points:

1. “Bus Ministry”
2. “Soul-winning”
3. Gospel tracts
4. King James Onlyism
5. “The Bible says, ‘Touch Not God’s Anointed’ and that means ME!”
6. “Pants on women is sinful!”
7. “Christian Contemporary worship music is demonic!”
8. “Rock music played backwards tells you to kill your parents!”
9. “Going to the cinema is a sin!”
10. “Billy Graham has done more damage to the cause of Christ than any other man alive! He’s a heretic!”
11. Screaming, ranting, and raving pastors
12. Hellfire and brimstone sermons
13. You used to enjoy reading the book, “Me, Obey Him?” and thought the points made about wifely obedience were spot on.
14. “Women are to be in submission and obedient to their husbands at all times!”
15. “Women are to keep silent in the church.”
16. “A woman’s proper place is pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.”
17. “I don’t care if she says she was beaten and molested. She’s just BITTER!”
18. “Well, good, godly men get accused falsely of molestation all the time now-a-days by people who hate what they stand for.”
19. “I don’t care if she was 15 and he was 50, she was well known for wearing provocative clothing. And how do we really know who is telling the truth”?
20. “Black people have the ‘mark of Cain’.”
21. “What do you mean we’re racist? We just ban interracial dating/marriage and use the Bible as our proof text to do so. That’s not ‘racism,’ that’s the BIBLE!”
22. “Any counseling by a professional psychologist is of the devil! I don’t care if they claim to be a Christian. If they are licensed and not a part of our group, they are not godly counselors. They are secular humanists ready and waiting to accuse every good man of doing something wrong. They want to see the destruction of the true church!”
23. You walked the church aisle approximately 15 times to become “born again, again.”
24. You spent tens of thousands of dollars for a college degree that means nothing in your professional field, but you console yourself with the idea that you walked away knowing how to make your bed, take out the trash, hang up your clothes, wear sharp suits and talk a good game.
25. You were beaten bloody, but your “will was never broken.” As a matter of fact, your “will” is stronger now than it ever was and you’re happy about it.
26. Tent/revival meetings
27. The prohibition of dancing (It’s carnal, you know!)
28. Your parents inscripted Bible verses in the wooden “rod” they used to beat you with.
29. Annoying choirs, and special music
30. That darn organ…
31. Alter Calls
32. Tithing…”If you aren’t giving 10% of your income to the church, you’re stealing from the LORD!”
33. The Sinner’s Prayer
34. Street Preaching
35. Protests/picketing with signs that urged people to repent.
36. “College is so much more than getting a degree for a professional career. College is about experiences and learning discipline and training, and who better to train you than us”?
37. “No good Christian needs to learn about things like psychology and feminism! Those are devilish movements!”
38. “We don’t need the governments approval (but, shh, don’t tell anyone in the group that we’re taking their money!).”
39. “Santa is really Satan in disguise!”
40. “Halloween is Lucifer’s day!”
41. “Old Church Hymns only!”
42. “The King James Bible is the perfect, inspired, literal, inerrant word ‘a God, and there isn’t a single translational mistake in it.”
43. “If you aren’t in a King James Bible-believing, Independent Fundamentalist Truly Reformed Calvinist Presbyterian Baptist Church, you are on your way to hell.”
44. You attended what you thought was a University, then realized you got a bogus degree and were shocked to learn that it was nothing more than the “Jones’ Family For Profit Business.”
45. You have an unaccredited “college” degree, which means nothing in the “real world.”
46. “And who cares if the rest of the world goes to college to get a professional/usable degree? If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too”?
47. Large families/no birth control
48. Phony Ph.D.s
49. “If you’re gay…get out of here! We don’t want ‘your kind’ around our kids!”
50. Your father/family member has an honorary doctorate from the college/university or institution he works for.
51. Lowest salaries in the US for employees in the IFB. As a matter of fact, now that you think about it, the employees in the IFB make less than the missionaries to Africa that you are currently supporting.
52. Being told, “You’re just bitter” and “not right with God” when you leave.
53. Getting ostracized by your family and friends for leaving the group.
54. You were a guy/girl beaten mercilessly in an unlicensed group home.
55. You ran away from one of these group homes.
56. You were one of the girls sent to a group home for “rebellion,” but all you really wanted was to simply wear a pair of pants.
57. No mixed swimming.
58. Culottes
59. Chick Tracts
60. Patch the Pirate
61. Character Sketches
62.”Steve Green is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
63. Patriarchy…keep that woman in her place!
64. You could make four times less than you are making now, while doing four times the work if you decided to go back.
65. You had nightmares as a child from the overused “Left Behind” videos in your church.
66. Dating parlors and super slides (while wearing culottes).
67. and much, much more!

68. You may also fit into the group well if you once attended or were reared/trained under materials available through:

  • Bob Jones University (Greenville, SC)
    Pensacola Christian College (Pensacola, FL)
    Hyles-Anderson College (Hammond, IN)
    Advanced Training Institute-Bill Gothard
    Quiverfull
    Vision Forum
    Above Rubies
    Creation Research Institute
    The Wilds Christian Camp
    The Bill Rice Ranch
    The Roloff Homes
    No Greater Joy

69. Your spiritual gurus at one time in your life were most likely:

  • Bob Jones Jr.
    Bob Jones III
    John R. Rice
    Arlin Horton
    Jack Hyles
    Jack Schaap
    Bill Gothard
    Doug Phillips
    Kent Hovind
    Lester Roloff
    Sam Gipp
    Bob Gray
    Peter Ruckman
    Michael Pearl
    Ron Comfort
    Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
    Stephen l. Anderson
    Fred Phelps
    or any other man who received a phony doctorate from one of the “colleges/universities” in the IFB.

70.  Your Christian school or homeschool curriculum was from:

  • Bob Jones Press
    Abeka Books (Pensacola Christian College)
    Advanced Training Institute (Bill Gothard)
    School of Tomorrow (ACE)

71. Independent Fundamental Baptist Girls and Boys Group Homes:

  • Anchor Character Training Center (Iowa)
    Calvary Boys Ranch, Boarding Academy (Oklahoma)
    Haven of Hope Girls Academy (Maryland)
    Happiness Hill Home (Texas)
    Heritage Boys Academy (Florida)
    Hephzibah House (Indiana)
    Joshua Scott Boarding School (West Virginia)
    Jubilee Home for Ladies (Texas)
    Lighthouse Children’s Home (Missouri)
    Marvelous Grace Girls Academy (Alabama)
    Reclamation Ranch (Alabama)
    Shenandoah Boys Ranch (Tennessee)
    Shenandoah Girls Haven (Tennessee)
    Shining Light School for Boys (North Carolina)
    Victorious Valley Homes (South Carolina)
    William Seth Rochester Home for Children (South Carolina)
    Willow Valley Boarding Academy and Camp (Ohio)
    The Ark Youth Shelther (South Carolina)
    New Bethany Boys Home (Alabama)

Commies: The Musical!

July 2, 2010

 

Apostate Film Productions in conjunction with Walt Disney’s Red Letter Department presents Commies: The Musical—a musical of epic heretical anti-capitalist proportions set in a time when Communistic Socialist Justice was just reaching into the jugular of America’s heartland. This musical begins with a young Jim Wallis singing this number (The World Will Know) in the hopes of  getting America’s God-fearing youth to go on strike in protest against America’s God-ordained Capitalism

Counting the costs from the  riots that he incited Wallis gains a loyal band of followers including a young Tony Campolo. The plot really thickens when Wallis and Campolo encounter the heretical Social Gospel thought of Walter Rauschenbusch and both Wallis and Campolo begin thinking unbiblical thoughts about the Word of God which leads them to seriously ponder Jesus’ life and teachings. Soon Wallis and Campolo begin organizing and create the Red Letter Christian Union which seeks to ‘promote these evil unbiblical values such as peace, building strong families, the elimination of poverty, and other important social justice issues.’  In celebration of their Organized Union and their newly found Socialistic ideas Campolo pleads with the new Red Letter Christians to Seize The Day:

Somehow this song gains the attention of Brian McLaren as he dreams up a vision to unite Red Letter Christianity with his brand of Emergence Christianity. Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo catch wind of this idea and agree to meet with McLaren as they plan to unite in the theme of the Kingdom of God. Soon the Red Letter Christians and Emerging/Emergent Christians organize into an even bigger and stronger Union. Commies: The Musical ends with the whole cast singing a paen to their vision for a Communistic Kingdom of God to be unleashed upon the earth Once And For All:


Which Is The More Biblically Based Economic System?

May 18, 2010

 

Here is one of our fine and quality Biblically Based Discernmentalist Preparatory Tests:

Your official instructor Todd Friel, Wretched Instructor of I*segesis, Doctor of Fear-mongering and Misinformation will now instruct you on the pressing question of Biblically Based Economic Systems via video:

You heard your question of the day: Which is the more Biblically Based Economic System—Capitalism or Communism? You may now begin this quiz. Open Bibles are welcomed and encouraged. You may even call Brannon Howse or Jan Markell  for help. Good Luck!

Capitalism is the more Biblically Based Economic System? Check yes____ or check no ____.’

“‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. — Ezekiel 16:49

14 The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. 15 He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God’s sight. 16 “The Law and the Prophets were proclaimed until John. Since that time, the good news of the kingdom of God is being preached, and everyone is forcing his way into it. 17 It is easier for heaven and earth to disappear than for the least stroke of a pen to drop out of the Law. 19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’ 25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ 27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ 29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’ 30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ 31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’ “ — Luke 16:14-17 and 19-31.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. — Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:23-25

But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. — Luke 6:24

 Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. — James 5:1

Or communism is the more Biblically Based Economic System ? Check yes____ or check no ____.

The Fellowship of the Believers

 42They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”— Matthew 19:21.

 35 ” ‘If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you. 36 Do not take interest of any kind [a] from him, but fear your God, so that your countryman may continue to live among you. 37 You must not lend him money at interest or sell him food at a profit. 38 I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt to give you the land of Canaan and to be your God.— Leviticus 25: 35-38.

The Absolute Truth Biblical answer of course is Capitalism:

When Christianity adheres to the judicial specifics of the Bible, it produces free market capitalism.

On the other hand, when Christianity rejects the judicial specifics of the Bible, it produces socialism or some politically run hybrid “middle way” between capitalism and socialism, where politicians and bureaucrats make the big decisions about how people’s wealth will be allocated. Economic growth then slows or is reversed. Always.

John MacArthur even told us so—so just remember to vote like Us on this quiz because We are Always Right and then you’ll be all set to be qualified as a candidate for the position of a True Biblically-Based Discernmentalist just like Ken Silva and Eric Barger. If for some reason you don’t vote exactly like us most likely because you are an unrepentant unregenerate Emergent and Red-Letter Christian then we pray that you REPENT and get saved under John MacArthur approved teaching by believing Our Truth and by accepting the Gospel of Reagan that is if you really are a True Elect Republican Believer to begin with and therefore allowed to repent.


John MacArthur Declared The First Ever Discernmentalist Pope!

May 15, 2010

 

John  MacArthur aka Pope Pyro after being elected to the position of the first ever Pope of Discernmentalists! Photo courtesy of Pyromaniac Archives. Photographer: Ken Silva.

(Annoying News: a  ministry of disseminating misinformation, lies and slander while apprising everyone to follow only the cults of celebrity in the Discernmentalist World )–  Normally we are against all things Roman Catholic except in special circumstances ie. our dependence on Saint Augustine’s interpretation of Aristotelian philosophy or R. C.  Sproul’s love of Aquinas. This is one of those times when these special circumstances may be applied against our normative Absolute Rules. After Discernmentalists  declared John MacArthur 100% infallible by a voting margin of 100-0 this Jan., it was proclaimed that the logical  conclusion of this recent  event was to elect MacArthur the first ever Discernmentalist Pope.

Ken Silva reports: “Indeed the word infallible applied to any person can only signify that one  has elicited the status of Pope-hood other than that infallibility must only be applied to our  Holy Inerrant Bible—the Only True Word of God.” 

Vicki, a typical McArthurite reacts to the news of the election of MacArthur as the first Discernmentalist Pope ever: 

Anyone who disagrees with John MacArthur on any point of Doctrine is just full of arrogance and condensation.

My understanding of the doctrine of election is not at all sinful–John MacArthur told me so.

Trusting too much to history and too little to the teaching of scripture would have left us in Rome–John MacArthur told me so.

There is a price a godly man must pay to be heard, that price is humility and respect.
If a man wants an audience to listen to his doctrine-he would do well to heed the following!

” Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
Titus 3:1-3 (ESV).— (Source).

Ken Silva asked Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass or Spurgeon’s clone, MacArthur’s flunky lacky hindquarters right-hand man about his boss’s election to Discernmentalist Pope-hood. Phil responded: “Deep down I always knew that this day would come when he (MacArthur) would be elected Pope over all Discernmentalists and the Truth Wars as the #1 Truth Truth Warrior of Absolute Truth. I wholeheartedly support the recent vote on the infallibility of my boss and his election to the office of Discernmentalist Pope.”

Ken Silva pressed the rest of the fine, outstanding, Discernmentalist-minded and Biblically based Pyromaniacs crew: Frank Turk and Dan Phillips et al. on their thoughts but they were unavailable to comment.

————————————————————————-

Ken Silva is the exclusive  author of Annoying News. He is a Master Discerner of all. When he is not discernmentalizing the 99% of humanity who do not agree with him, you can usually  find him preaching to the choir of the small Southern Baptist Church of 8 members that he pastors. Sometimes he uses a Truth Rod–although this may just be a rumor.


The Original Ten Commandments Recovered

May 15, 2010

Finally there’s a version of the Ten Commandments that True Discernmentalists can back…thanks to our Top Secret Agents who have been busy at work saving our Pure Bibles from Red Letter Christian bafoons who are out to destroy the Church with a Socialist False Gospel. Thankfully we have recoved the Ten Commandments from the corrupted liberal biased version which has crept into our Modern Bibles—so without further ado here are the Ten Commandments in their Pure Unadulterated Original Form:

I. “I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt have as many guns as possible before me.”

II. “Thou shalt not support socialist programs. They art evil in mine eyes. Thou shalt not believe any of that “meek inherit the earth” garbage later on! The meek should get jobs and stop living off welfare.”

III. “Thou shalt listen to Bill O’Reilly and keep him holy.”

IV. “Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they are former presidents as you will inherit the job from them later.”

V. “Thou shalt kill Muslims. Let’s face it, they art all probably terrorists anyway.”

VI. “Thou shalt not utter the word torture. It is an abomination! Thou shalt refer to it as “harsh interrogation” or “just high spirits”. Thou shalt remember that water boarding and being stripped naked in a human pyramid buildeth character, so it’s all harmless fun.”

VII. “Thou shalt not care about the environment. Believe me, I’m God and I invented it and I can tell thee that it’s completely over rated and thou wilt not miss it when it’s gone.”

VIII. “Thou shalt not lead the nation into a war with false information unless thou art really sure Halliburton will profit from it.”

IX. “Thou shalt not teach children to use condoms or let gay people marry. And while thou art at it, thou shalt teach intelligent design in schools. Show both sides of the controversy”

X. “Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s oil”

And remember Liberal Hunting Season has offically opened!


New Discernmentalist Products For Females

April 19, 2010

We Know no woman is complete without a man. This is an Absolute Inerrant Biblical Truth. Why? We don’t even have to tell you, because God said it in the Holy Inerrant and Infallible Bible so that settles it. That is the final answer—end of debate—end of discussion. We have the  Absolute Truth of all things all figured out like that—all wrapped up in a nice little black leather package with a red ribbon attached—but just in case you wish to try and debate us (though you will fail because God is truly on our side), we have these fine new Quality Discernmentalist media products for you and the women in your life:

Women need a man because the word man is in the word woman. Guys, having trouble convincing women that they need you because it is God’s Plan for you to control them? Women, do you think you can scrape  by trusting on your own merits and therefore living in the sin that you can be saved by your own works (I Timothy 2:15)? Having trouble finding a truly Biblical and Discernmentalist husband? Never fear we have created this video guide for the proper education of women’s Bible-based role  of being a man’s property.  Introducing The Discernmentalist Guide For Females On Finding A Biblically Correct And Discernmentalist Husband from the creators of  Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Discernmentalist?:

Men already have a wife—well now you need to show her her proper Bible-Based role as your slave. Women already landed a husband—well now you need to know him as your master and overlord (Ephesians 5:22-24 and  I Timothy 2:9-15). Take the next step with our Discernmentalist Guide For Females On Their Proper  Biblical Role As Their Husband’s Slave And Property:

But wait there is more—for futher steps go to Discernmentalist Tube.


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