ODMS across North America have spent an awful lot of money to come up with new and innovate ways to eaves drop on the Emerging Church. The new SPY LOCUST 1000 is designed to be small, nimble and obtrusiveness…..weighing in at only 16 pounds, and measure 18 inches by 4 inches… it can be barely seen by emergents too busy watching Rob Bell videos and combing their trendy hair (ie like Dan Kimball).
ODMafia research robot monkeys conducted several interviews. One ODM suggested that this was a dawn of a new age (but not in a new agey way), that would usher in listening devices to catch emergents red handed sitting on couches sipping fair trade gourmet coffee. Another suggested that the Spy Locust 1000 could be linked to other locusts thereby swarming and driving emergents out of the city where their doctrines of anti-modernism would lesson the chance of overcoming the status quo.
The Spy Locust 1000 can sniff out one emergent in a group of 10,000 people, decide who is in and out of the true church and do this all 1,000 times a second (thus Spy Locust 1000). This series can also detect whether you have listened to Brian McLaren or NT Wright and will ear piercing sirens upon a positive search.
In an unexpected turn of events the Emerging Church is secretly merging back into Evnagelicalism using stealth morph technology originally used by Eric Bargers Take A Stand Ministries to spy on Emergents. In a recent interview, our research robot monkeys disguised as penguins interviewed a man that looked like Dan Kimball. He was reported to state the following “My secret subversive plan has been unfolding during the last ten years. Soon I will rise from the fringes (no direct reference to Dan’s fringe leather jacket), and declare myself pope mega-pastor of the evangelical world and usurp John MacArthur’s position as ultimate truth enforcer.” Our research robot monkeys were in utter shock and before Dan could execute this final, evil, emerging-horde plan began to pummel him with all the research robot monkey fisticuffs they could muster. Dan raised a false-Jesus-bobble head to ward off attack. Just like those emergents to do such a thing!!!
Word has it that Dan (obviously having dark supernatural powers) still plans to dismantle 10,000 emerging churches and reassemble them without notice in evangelical churches (ie like the movie Transformer). We also believe that Dan may be an illegal immigrant….who slipped in from Canada.
We are scared.
Truthslayer (note that during the attack our robots de-cloaked to reveal their true monkey nature – not to be mixed up with evolution)
PS Special thanks to Andrew Moir who designed this especially effective ninja robot. Without this robot no one would have been able to pummel Dan Kimball biblically
Now more than ever….you can keep your personal phone sin free thru the ODM designed heresy free phone. This phone is so sensitive that it can pick up potential heresy seconds before spoken and bleep out offensive word, belief or tone. This incredible phone has three settings: A) ODM Conservative B) ODM Biblical C) ODM Paranoia (for extra biblical safety).
Each of these safe zone settings will protect you and your discernmentalist family from potential threats. In other words, you will never have to deal with other points of view, opinions or statements that you cannot (or will not) entertain. Your world view, understanding of scripture will be left how you like it – disconnnected from history, (which is vertually useless anyway) the community of Christ (which is already tainted and heretical) and disjointed from reality. We believe that this approach is the BEST and FINEST for remaining pure and untainted by this world – when everyone is OUT TO GET YOU PERSONALLY.
Therefore without further exposition I Truthslayer highly recommend this phone.
As previously mentioned Discerning The World Ministries (DTW) is using SELECT-CAM (officially DTWPIC) to discernmentalize the emerging menace Rob Bell. Just like husbands and wives with selective hearing….DTW has selective(but never never a biased) discernment regarding a host of people and movements.
Here is what DTW found out about Rob Bell (using the select-cam):
“Rob Bell – The Story We’re Telling: sin, salvation, business, art, justice and the importance of beginning in the beginning”
” [DTW note: they are saying that you have got to go back to the beginning, go back to where ancient knowledge originately from, where sacret arts originationed from in order to move forward. How far do we have to go back? To the very beginning, of course. We, each individual person, needs to eat from the tree of life in order to gain knowledge.
Genesis 3:4-5 4 The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! 5 "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."] “
Insightful for sure!
Beginning Now…..lets look at the “BEGINNING“
Ge 1:1 - In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
1) All knowledge and ALL things (visible and invisible) would BEGIN with and from God’s creation. Very dark indeed. Truth coming from God himself…how dare Him!
Ps 111:10 - The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.
2) Hmmmm. Could Rob perhaps be alluding to the beginning in reference to wisdom? Perhaps, but in good discernmentalist fashion DTW does not provide context. Only DTW ‘wisdom.’ Of course we endorse this kind of expert discernmentalism…out of context wisdom.
Pr 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
3) This is astounding. Fools despise wisdom. Not us… we love DTW ‘wisdom. ‘ Proverbs also suggests that the FEAR (REVERENCE) of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge. Hmmm. Something must be wrong with this verse because DTW suggests that we must reference satan as the beginning.
We applaud DTWs findings and suggest that every discernmentalist invest in the new select-cam!
PS Typically DTW uses STRETCH tech which stands for Survey Truth Revise & Exaggerate Truncate Cacophony of Hagiomania. Select-Cam will likely be used in conjunction with DTWs older and still reliable technology of yesteryear.
Also we have the RIGHT to make spelling mistakes, and determine that wrong spelling is right.
Discerning The World Ministries (DTW) has done it again….thanks to their truth stretching technology. DTW has invented the all-new TRUTH CAMERA. The new 16.1 Megapixel Digital SLR is designed to see ONLY what photographer intends to see. (ie at the expense of the entire photo). In other words this camera filters out anything and everything….including foreground, background, quotes, and paragraphs and re-imaging the said meaning. Moreover the camera has special filters such as “muddy effect” that aids in clouding a subject in misunderstanding and turbid renderings.
This camera is perfect for any discernmentalist photographer who sees things the way they aren’t rather than they way they are.
Are you tired of being forced to use the iPhone, and iPod made and built by pagans? Now you can enjoy the new iTruth. The iTruth was made in the ODMafia Research and Discernmentalist Labs for truth warriors by truth warriors. This unique mp3 player is the only one of its kind in the world. It will only accept songs and podcasts tha assent to absolute certainty and absolute truth.
Do you like to twist words to alter their meaning and discredit others?
Then you will surely enjoy DISCERNMENTALIST TWISTER! Fun for the whole discernment focused family.
Make the bible focus on everyone else’s faults but your own! Twist verses to mean something they don’t. Find out how you can make Rob Bell, Jim Wallis or NT Wright say something they haven’t. With this game, you will be twisting, altering, and changing meanings at will (right before your eyes). Before you know it, all context will be dissolved and left in the trash bin…and you will be well on your way to emulating true discernmentalism.
You will get your money back if by the end of one game you cannot misquote or take somebody out of context!
Truthslayer endorsed, ODMafia approved.
PS Guaranteed fun for the whole family, you will twisting and distorting everything that comes your way!
Dr. I. Todyaso underwent Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery earlier today in order to increase our Heresy Hunting efficiency by 300% more than the average rate of other ODMs especially Ken Silva’s Raw Sewage Ministries. If Dr. I. Todyaso’s surgery goes well the rest of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia hope to follow suit bringing our Heresy Hunting accuracy to over 1000%. This new Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will also help in our preaching the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath to all—pictured here:
Discernmentalist after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery threatens an Emergent heretic with the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath and Hell.
We’ll also be able to teach Discernmentalist skills such as Self Righteousness to a wider range audience:
And in the end our army of Discernmentalists after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will be able to bring Doomsday upon all that we deem heretical: