Breaking: Discernmentalists to release newly discernmentalized version of “controversial” Arthur episode!

May 17, 2019

heterorat

Discernmentalists’ Discernmentalized Version of the Ratburn wedding episode of Arthur

Discernmentalists around the web have banded together to stop the assault on our Biblical marriages by fictional gay cartoon rats as we’ve already explained: Here and Here. So in keeping with our Discernmentalist traditions—we’ve decided to release a newly ghey and Canadian-free discernmentalized version of said “controversial” Arthur episode. Dr. Truthslayer has assured me that he has rounded up an all hetero white Conservative Bible-believing American voice cast to make sure the voice acting is ghey free. Ken Ham has overseen the reanimation process so that no lines may tempt viewers into becoming ghey. Dr. I. Todyaso has written an impeccable script and a PSA that will show at both the beginning and the end of the episode.

In our new discernmentalized version of this episode—suspected Sintologist Franklin Graham will voice act the Minister that will Biblically marry Mr. Ratburn to a Mrs. Ratburn instead of a Mr. Whocares. After the wedding Mr. Ratburn being a Bible-believing rat will assert his Male Headship over his new wife reminding her that her place is at home in the kitchen making his dinner and baby rats. On weekends when he’s not forcing doing Bible-based stuff with his new wife or doing his job to support and protect her through his 401k Elementary school teaching career—he’ll give Brain extra credit assignments just so he can get Brain alone so he can preach the Gospel of God’s Wrath to that smart-aleck atheist sinner.

The next half of the episode will feature Mr. Ratburn teaching the kids of Lakewood Elementary the Bible-believing values of picketing abortion clinics. Francine will accuse her garbage-collecting dad of being a liberal Environmentalist in league with an Emergent Global Warming cult. The kids will out Muffy as a closeted anti-American commie for writing a blog that sounds suspiciously liberal: Muffington Post. {Edit: We would make another joke but we’ve erased all the gheyness from this originally abominable episode}. In the end Brain will finally get regenerated and accept his salvation through Mr. Ratburn’s preaching of the Law of the Angry Sovereign God of Wrath through a Way of the Master: “Are you a good person?” test. Afterwards Mr. Ratburn forces Brain to do a book report on Ray Comfort* Hell’s Best Kept Secret—Brain then agrees that bananas prove that Evolution is a myth invented by liberally socialistic atheist scientists as well as Global Warming. The End?

{*- Note: Ray Comfort’s lawyer made us sign a non-disclosure agreement so we can’t tell you that when he heard about our project he begged us to let him be a part of it and to let us let him plug his book and ways of evangelism through guilt and fear. Also Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron-Bure’s as well so we can’t tell you that Kirk Cameron is voicing the Brain; Candace is voicing Francine as well as Muffy and Mrs. Ratburn/all the girl parts (so we could cut costs—we also pay her less); and Ray of course is voicing Mr. Ratburn.} 

“Finally an animated anthropomorphic animal marriage for True Bible-believers and a great Bible-believing episode of Arthur. This is entertainment as it’s meant to be—a fight on the leftist assault on our values, eyes and ears— please consider a large donation to the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to help us continue our good fight on fictional gay characters like cartoon rats.”—Activist Mommy after viewing a donors’ only sneak preview of the newly discernmentalized version of the “controversial” Arthur episode.

Protecting the children through fear,

Don Jobson

 


The Silva Bullet!

April 27, 2019

sil1

Introducing the long lost last film to star our dearly departed affectionate Uncle and Pastor-Teacher the ever-Apprising Ken Silva: SILVA BULLET.  A Aperising Pictures  Production of Apprising Films recently relocated—found safely hidden within our super secret archives deep within the bowels of our secret lair: the Truth Bunker.  Now newly remastered with help from GOIP Productions and including a special Anime version of Ken’s life and commentary by our very own Dr. I. Todyaso.

Tagline: “You’ll laugh…you’ll cry…you’ll be thoroughly “Apprised!” 

Summary— SILVA BULLET begins with our hero Uncle Pure Teacher (Ken Silva) having to discernmentalize between two emerging werewolf cases. Now  there are two categories of emerging werewolf cases; ‘false’ or Emerging Disorder cases and Genuine emerging cases:

  • Emerging Disorder is a mental condition in which the subject (called Emergent) believes that he or she is a emerging Christian. The subject does not actually change shape, but is nevertheless capable of being as dangerous as an actual werewolf. Most cases of supposed werewolfry are really the works of emerging victims.
  • Emerging TO BEAST In real werewolves a physical change to wolf form does occur. The change can be voluntary (at will), or can be forced by certain cycles of post-modernistic beliefs and certain songs (ie not ones approved by Apprising Ministries).
  • WEREWOLVES & EMERGING Werewolves are immune from Apprising Ministries and from most physical diseases due to the constant regeneration of their physical tissue. They can, therefore, be virtually immortal. However, they can be killed by a “Silva Bullet” carefully aimed at an Emerging Church member’s heart.

Non-emerging werewolves who have been mistaken for Emerging (ie Rob Bell) are said also to be immune to most physical diseases. It is suspected though that Rick Warren could be a vampire however, thanks to our discernmentalism we do not need hard evidence…we can peer into his mind if we concentrate hard enough to reveal his obvious vampirism or wolfery. The film ends with our hero Uncle Pure Teacher trying to “apprise” all the werewolves with his “Silva Bullet” until he succeeds in his mission of taking out the Super Emerging Werewolf: Brian McLaren—bringing an end to the Emerging/Emergent Church once and for all.

This film is 100% ODMafia and Truthslayer endorsed and meets our seal of approval.


ODM Research and Design comes clean on new eaves dropping device

July 5, 2010

ODMS across North America have spent an awful lot of money to come up with new and innovate ways to eaves drop on the Emerging Church. The new SPY LOCUST 1000 is designed to be small, nimble and obtrusiveness…..weighing in at only 16 pounds, and measure 18 inches by 4 inches… it can be barely seen by emergents too busy watching Rob Bell videos and combing their trendy hair (ie like Dan Kimball).

ODMafia research robot monkeys conducted several interviews. One ODM suggested that this was a dawn of a new age (but not in a new agey way), that would usher in listening devices to catch emergents red handed sitting on couches sipping fair trade gourmet coffee. Another suggested that the Spy Locust 1000 could be linked to other locusts thereby swarming and driving emergents out of the city where their doctrines of anti-modernism would lesson the chance of overcoming the status quo.

The Spy Locust 1000 can sniff out one emergent in a group of 10,000 people, decide who is in and out of the true church and do this all 1,000 times a second (thus Spy Locust 1000). This series can also detect whether you have listened to Brian McLaren or NT Wright and will ear piercing sirens upon a positive search.

Truthslayer


Hex in the City

June 27, 2010

In  this made for discernmentalist TV show “Hex in the City” features witches that are pursued by mighty truth warriors trained exclusively on Walter Martin cassette tapes. Each week these witches are found, exposed for their lack of truth and then condemned. Think if this as groundhog day for truth warriors. However, each episode approaches these vile witches from various angles – but nevertheless they are also condemned (each week) in creative ways as well….

Catch it this fall on CBS!

Truthslayer approved!


Bow down to the King of kings… OR ELSE!

May 17, 2010

One of the greatest theologians of our day Lemmy, has written the greatest ODM worship song ever. Enjoy!


That’s So Discernmentalist!

February 28, 2010

Using Eric Barger’s STRETCH and Revisionist Technology and Todd Friel’s Subliminal Brainwashing microwaves Ken  Silva and his loyal band of Discernmentalists have found a way to hit the Preteen/Tween and Teenage television markets. The first of their fruits is:

Weekends at 9:30AM
All times ET/PT
 
That’s So Discernmentalist is a new live-action situation comedy starring Raven (formerly credited as Raven-Symone, The Cosby Show) as Reagan “Marxist” Basher, a winsome Capitalist-loving teen whose ability to glimpse flashes of the future and know all through perfect osmosis cause trouble whenever she meets Emergent and Red-Letter Christians. Helping her out (or sometimes into) these predicaments are her best friends Eddie Silva and Chelsea Barger, whose loyalty can be counted on whether Reagan’s escapades involve hilarious disguises, hostile government overthrows of corporations by God’s Only Inerrant/Republican Party, exploitation, discernmentalism or a hint of danger. Allowing her flights of fancy — yet eager to keep her feet on the ground — are Reagan’s parents, Victoria and Todd “Emergent” Basher. And then there’s precocious kid brother Cory, who is both an annoyance and invaluable resource to his big sis. Cory not only idolizes Final President Reagan and Capitalism, but the love of money is his total root motivation with all his wacky “get rich quick” business schemes. Watch with the whole family and learn these Discernmentalist values: arrogance, greed, haughtiness, Capitalist Materialism, divisionism, knowing by osmosis, condescending selfishness, avarice, revisionism, strawman arguments, how to listen to only yourself when you  yell and scream at your opponents and much much more…
 
 
©GOIP Productions
Length: 00:23
Genre: Children, Sitcom, Comedy
Original Airdate: 2003+7/10

Our Goal For A Post-Emergent Church

October 15, 2009

The Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

  • In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.

 

rollenstewart2


%d bloggers like this: