December 24, 2010
ODMafia News Alert!: It has come to our attention that people have been spelling Christmas with an X in the attempt to wipe out Jesus from our vocabulary. In retaliation we propose a boycott against the letter X. We will now longer use or allow this letter any longer. So epect big changes to come soon.
July 5, 2010
ODMS across North America have spent an awful lot of money to come up with new and innovate ways to eaves drop on the Emerging Church. The new SPY LOCUST 1000 is designed to be small, nimble and obtrusiveness…..weighing in at only 16 pounds, and measure 18 inches by 4 inches… it can be barely seen by emergents too busy watching Rob Bell videos and combing their trendy hair (ie like Dan Kimball).
ODMafia research robot monkeys conducted several interviews. One ODM suggested that this was a dawn of a new age (but not in a new agey way), that would usher in listening devices to catch emergents red handed sitting on couches sipping fair trade gourmet coffee. Another suggested that the Spy Locust 1000 could be linked to other locusts thereby swarming and driving emergents out of the city where their doctrines of anti-modernism would lesson the chance of overcoming the status quo.
The Spy Locust 1000 can sniff out one emergent in a group of 10,000 people, decide who is in and out of the true church and do this all 1,000 times a second (thus Spy Locust 1000). This series can also detect whether you have listened to Brian McLaren or NT Wright and will ear piercing sirens upon a positive search.
June 28, 2010
Dear fans of ODmafia,
You know my pedigree. I was born via wedded bible believing Republican parents, and was baptized as an adult believer. Moreover, I am a true bible believing double predestination Calvinist who listens to John MacArthur on the radio every morning, Todd Friel in the afternoon, and Apprising and Eric Barger in the evenings. I’m a strict adherent to God’s word, particularly ignoring the beatitudes which are reserved only for liberals and emergents….I’m so devout that I go on persecution binges to tease out those false teachers and heretics – pretty much everyone except those whom I approve of. As you know I’m meticulous about my observance of the word and therefore I more than anyone else take a true stand in defending the truth and discernmentalism. Please join me in Taking A Stand.
Remember, never doubt me. Never question my articles or missives. They are right because I am right and have crystal clear discernmentalist qualities. Doubt me and you should doubt your faith, and secretly harbouring liberal viewpoints.
June 27, 2010
In this made for discernmentalist TV show “Hex in the City” features witches that are pursued by mighty truth warriors trained exclusively on Walter Martin cassette tapes. Each week these witches are found, exposed for their lack of truth and then condemned. Think if this as groundhog day for truth warriors. However, each episode approaches these vile witches from various angles – but nevertheless they are also condemned (each week) in creative ways as well….
Catch it this fall on CBS!
June 9, 2010
Now more than ever….you can keep your personal phone sin free thru the ODM designed heresy free phone. This phone is so sensitive that it can pick up potential heresy seconds before spoken and bleep out offensive word, belief or tone. This incredible phone has three settings: A) ODM Conservative B) ODM Biblical C) ODM Paranoia (for extra biblical safety).
Each of these safe zone settings will protect you and your discernmentalist family from potential threats. In other words, you will never have to deal with other points of view, opinions or statements that you cannot (or will not) entertain. Your world view, understanding of scripture will be left how you like it – disconnnected from history, (which is vertually useless anyway) the community of Christ (which is already tainted and heretical) and disjointed from reality. We believe that this approach is the BEST and FINEST for remaining pure and untainted by this world – when everyone is OUT TO GET YOU PERSONALLY.
Therefore without further exposition I Truthslayer highly recommend this phone.
June 7, 2010
Our Research Robot Monkeys have discovered that a consortium of Online Discernment Ministries have devised a new listening device to eaves drop in on the emerging church: PROJECT DUMBO. There are reports that an authentic Dan Kimball sermon has been intercepted, and the following statements have been deduced “Then this is a day of independence for all the Munchkins and their descendants!” “come here my little pretty” and “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” We cannot substantiate these quotes nor do we need to verify them due to the ODM code of misconduct. Fact checking is not our style (plus its unbiblical)….but can only note that the quotes must be true if an ODM quoted them.
NSA has also expressed interest in this device.