The Christian school you attended was connected to your church/cult, or you were home-schooled. Your church was committed to the “Doctrine of Separation” and strong discipline. You believed Billy Graham was the “bad guy” and that all other churches and religious organizations were disobedient and in “sin.” Your church also controlled nearly every aspect of your life. Your family may have even needed to get permission from the pastor before going on vacation (if you dared leaving in the first place). If you are female (heaven forbid), you most likely wore long skirts and the IFB ODM-Approved modest clothing item known as “culottes” most of your life whenever you went in public (you even went swimming in them).
You may already be in a Truth War-supporting Church if you or your pastor is either for or against any of the following points:
1. “Bus Ministry”
2. “Soul-winning”
3. Gospel tracts
4. King James Onlyism
5. “The Bible says, ‘Touch Not God’s Anointed’ and that means ME!”
6. “Pants on women is sinful!”
7. “Christian Contemporary worship music is demonic!”
8. “Rock music played backwards tells you to kill your parents!”
9. “Going to the cinema is a sin!”
10. “Billy Graham has done more damage to the cause of Christ than any other man alive! He’s a heretic!”
11. Screaming, ranting, and raving pastors
12. Hellfire and brimstone sermons
13. You used to enjoy reading the book, “Me, Obey Him?” and thought the points made about wifely obedience were spot on.
14. “Women are to be in submission and obedient to their husbands at all times!”
15. “Women are to keep silent in the church.”
16. “A woman’s proper place is pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.”
17. “I don’t care if she says she was beaten and molested. She’s just BITTER!”
18. “Well, good, godly men get accused falsely of molestation all the time now-a-days by people who hate what they stand for.”
19. “I don’t care if she was 15 and he was 50, she was well known for wearing provocative clothing. And how do we really know who is telling the truth”?
20. “Black people have the ‘mark of Cain’.”
21. “What do you mean we’re racist? We just ban interracial dating/marriage and use the Bible as our proof text to do so. That’s not ‘racism,’ that’s the BIBLE!”
22. “Any counseling by a professional psychologist is of the devil! I don’t care if they claim to be a Christian. If they are licensed and not a part of our group, they are not godly counselors. They are secular humanists ready and waiting to accuse every good man of doing something wrong. They want to see the destruction of the true church!”
23. You walked the church aisle approximately 15 times to become “born again, again.”
24. You spent tens of thousands of dollars for a college degree that means nothing in your professional field, but you console yourself with the idea that you walked away knowing how to make your bed, take out the trash, hang up your clothes, wear sharp suits and talk a good game.
25. You were beaten bloody, but your “will was never broken.” As a matter of fact, your “will” is stronger now than it ever was and you’re happy about it.
26. Tent/revival meetings
27. The prohibition of dancing (It’s carnal, you know!)
28. Your parents inscripted Bible verses in the wooden “rod” they used to beat you with.
29. Annoying choirs, and special music
30. That darn organ…
31. Alter Calls
32. Tithing…”If you aren’t giving 10% of your income to the church, you’re stealing from the LORD!”
33. The Sinner’s Prayer
34. Street Preaching
35. Protests/picketing with signs that urged people to repent.
36. “College is so much more than getting a degree for a professional career. College is about experiences and learning discipline and training, and who better to train you than us”?
37. “No good Christian needs to learn about things like psychology and feminism! Those are devilish movements!”
38. “We don’t need the governments approval (but, shh, don’t tell anyone in the group that we’re taking their money!).”
39. “Santa is really Satan in disguise!”
40. “Halloween is Lucifer’s day!”
41. “Old Church Hymns only!”
42. “The King James Bible is the perfect, inspired, literal, inerrant word ‘a God, and there isn’t a single translational mistake in it.”
43. “If you aren’t in a King James Bible-believing, Independent Fundamentalist Truly Reformed Calvinist Presbyterian Baptist Church, you are on your way to hell.”
44. You attended what you thought was a University, then realized you got a bogus degree and were shocked to learn that it was nothing more than the “Jones’ Family For Profit Business.”
45. You have an unaccredited “college” degree, which means nothing in the “real world.”
46. “And who cares if the rest of the world goes to college to get a professional/usable degree? If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too”?
47. Large families/no birth control
48. Phony Ph.D.s
49. “If you’re gay…get out of here! We don’t want ‘your kind’ around our kids!”
50. Your father/family member has an honorary doctorate from the college/university or institution he works for.
51. Lowest salaries in the US for employees in the IFB. As a matter of fact, now that you think about it, the employees in the IFB make less than the missionaries to Africa that you are currently supporting.
52. Being told, “You’re just bitter” and “not right with God” when you leave.
53. Getting ostracized by your family and friends for leaving the group.
54. You were a guy/girl beaten mercilessly in an unlicensed group home.
55. You ran away from one of these group homes.
56. You were one of the girls sent to a group home for “rebellion,” but all you really wanted was to simply wear a pair of pants.
57. No mixed swimming.
58. Culottes
59. Chick Tracts
60. Patch the Pirate
61. Character Sketches
62.”Steve Green is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
63. Patriarchy…keep that woman in her place!
64. You could make four times less than you are making now, while doing four times the work if you decided to go back.
65. You had nightmares as a child from the overused “Left Behind” videos in your church.
66. Dating parlors and super slides (while wearing culottes).
67. and much, much more!
68. You may also fit into the group well if you once attended or were reared/trained under materials available through:
Bob Jones University (Greenville, SC)
Pensacola Christian College (Pensacola, FL)
Hyles-Anderson College (Hammond, IN)
Advanced Training Institute-Bill Gothard
Quiverfull
Vision Forum
Above Rubies
Creation Research Institute
The Wilds Christian Camp
The Bill Rice Ranch
The Roloff Homes
No Greater Joy
69. Your spiritual gurus at one time in your life were most likely:
Bob Jones Jr.
Bob Jones III
John R. Rice
Arlin Horton
Jack Hyles
Jack Schaap
Bill Gothard
Doug Phillips
Kent Hovind
Lester Roloff
Sam Gipp
Bob Gray
Peter Ruckman
Michael Pearl
Ron Comfort
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
Stephen l. Anderson
Fred Phelps
or any other man who received a phony doctorate from one of the “colleges/universities” in the IFB.
70. Your Christian school or homeschool curriculum was from:
Bob Jones Press
Abeka Books (Pensacola Christian College)
Advanced Training Institute (Bill Gothard)
School of Tomorrow (ACE)
71. Independent Fundamental Baptist Girls and Boys Group Homes:
Anchor Character Training Center (Iowa)
Calvary Boys Ranch, Boarding Academy (Oklahoma)
Haven of Hope Girls Academy (Maryland)
Happiness Hill Home (Texas)
Heritage Boys Academy (Florida)
Hephzibah House (Indiana)
Joshua Scott Boarding School (West Virginia)
Jubilee Home for Ladies (Texas)
Lighthouse Children’s Home (Missouri)
Marvelous Grace Girls Academy (Alabama)
Reclamation Ranch (Alabama)
Shenandoah Boys Ranch (Tennessee)
Shenandoah Girls Haven (Tennessee)
Shining Light School for Boys (North Carolina)
Victorious Valley Homes (South Carolina)
William Seth Rochester Home for Children (South Carolina)
Willow Valley Boarding Academy and Camp (Ohio)
The Ark Youth Shelther (South Carolina)
New Bethany Boys Home (Alabama)
Discernmentalists need quotes. That is a given. We also love to selectively quote….because good selection means selling good products. Our product happens to be our disdain, dismay, and disparaging remarks against other people we don’t like. The object of this game is to change the meaning of anything and everything to mislead your readers and to persuade them to realize that the person you are bashing is worthy of bashing. Like us, you will get LIFE out of attacking and belittling others and crown this as discernment ministry It makes us feel more spiritual, and that others MUST measure up against us.
We like to misquote often to show how wrong others are….and therefore how RIGHT we are. Take for instance this quote, and read it CAREFULLY, because it is chocked full of Rick Warren evilness….
“Rick Warren agreed to pray at the Presidential Inauguration. That immediately made him a left-wing liberal heretic. Well, it made him a WORSE left-wing liberal heretic than he had been before). Obviously everyone in his church was headed for hell because Warren chose to pray for the godless liberal President Obama. Rick Warren is not only a left-wing liberal heretic secret Muslim sympathizer, he’s also a supporter of gay marriage, and maybe even a closet homosexual! “
As you can see, we have included all the important buzzwords from a secondary source (never a primary source), carefully selecting a few sentences before tying them together as one cohesive thought. The important thing here is to make the author of said quote to mean something different than its original meaning. DO NOT try to understand the intent of the quote, simply alter, and rearrange the meaning….remember this is NOT dishonest if you believe that his/her theology is ad odds with your pure bible believing teachings. Of course this is a small lesson learned, and if you continue with our short concise ODMafia School of Discernmentalism you too will be a master discernmentalist.
Don’t be afraid there are MANY people to disparage.
We support Tin-Foil Hat Theology in all of it’s glory. Forget the Purpose-Driven heretical drivel of Rick Warren—we support the Conspiracy-Driven Church. Remember Truth is under attack by our enemies—-some of whom have even crept up into our churches uninvited by secret cloaking Truth-bending tactics. These Spiritual Terrorists are otherwise known as the Emergent Church and/or Red-Letter Christians.
They have sneaked inside of our churches in order to bend the Truth to their evil overlord Brian McLaren’s ungodly and unbiblical libertarian free-will. Rather than serving the Pure and Absolute Sovereign God of Wrath, whose Absolute Glory is man’s chief end—they’d rather serve their sinful, prideful and selfish ways and therefore they bow down to Satan, the Master of all Untruth, which makes materialism, selfishness and human pride and sin man’s chief end.
Remember also that God’s Sovereign Truth is so precious and fragile that it needs protecting by mere mortals using any means necessary including slander, libel, lies and other worldly weapons (this is the Truth War afterall)—this is where conspiracy theories come in handy and why Tin-Foil Hat Theology is a Discernmentalist’s best friend. The nuttier the conspiracy theory the better to help defend and protect the Absolute Truth. Here are some of our personal favorite conspiracies that Brannon Howse has uncovered and taught us over the years :
– non-Zionists, Emergents, socialists, globalists, Muslims, communists, atheists, heathens, Red-Letter Christians, Marxists and secular Jews are all attempting to take over the world.
– International bankers are trying to take over the world.
– The Illuminati, or other clandestine groups, are attempting to take over the world.
– NASA and the government are covering over the truth about UFOs.
– NASA and the government are covering over the truth about cities on Mars and the moon.
– NASA and the government are covering over the truth that the Apollo missions were hoaxes.
– The government is covering over the assassination or assassination attempts on high-profile government officials like JFK or Ron Brown or the attempt on Final President Reagan.
– Muslims are responsible for all acts of terrorism around the world.
– Obama is a Secular-Humanist Muslim atheist and the Anti-Christ bent on destroying America through Communistic Socialism and helping our enemies take over the world.
– the government is covering over their involvement in orchestrating the events of September 11th, 2001, with remote control planes, cruise missiles, and controlled demolitions with Muslims’ and liberals’ help.(Source: New World Order Weekend).
The noted and award-winning Discernmentalist Tin-Foil Hat Theologian Ken Silva wants our students to know that: “Conspiracies are just too difficult to keep secret even when there are only one or two people keeping the secret.”… so help us to expose all to the secret conspiracies of our enemies who are all out there trying to destroy the Truth and the church…And as always, spread the fear and hate!
The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense,…The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.
Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally.— Braniac.
Discernmentalists generally have no Biblical Philosophy (other than literalism) because they aren’t brainwashed swine like Atheists who foolishing believe in Athe by denying she exists or any of the other apostate and generally heathen type peoples. Instead they follow the elightened philosophy of conservatism, except they hold others to rules but not themselves. This is a great system as it makes it impossible for them to commit any sin, but impossible for their enemies to avoid committing sin, thus proving itself and it’s followers to be inherently moral.
Example 1-Drug addict is put in rehab. Neocon says “It is not a disease, it is a crime committed by bad people with dark skin, possibly illegal immigrants! Hanging is too good for these juiced up junkies!”
Example 2-A popular right wing radio host is found to be filling out false perscriptions to feed his drug habit. Neocon says – “Well obviously the man is sick and needs treatment and understanding, not anger or punishment. How typical of heartless liberal facists to want to punish someone who needs understanding and support.”
See? You get to be in the right everytime! *(Dr. I. Todyaso did his dissertation on this at ODMafia Theolomogical Gradumatation Div. School. It is part of our Bible-Based Discernmentalist Doctrine of the Self-Justification of our Truth WarSelf-Righteousness in ourselves Christ).
The unwritten Neocon Discernmentalist Biblical Philosophy is as follows:
Destroy everything, except other Neocons and Neocon ideas.
The Bible is the word of God and should be taken literally, but only the parts you like. If you can’t find anything you like, you’re misinterpreting.
Peaceful protests are riots in which protesters’ weapons are hidden well. Police officers should use force and tasers or rubber bullets accordingly.
Minority groups who want their interests addressed in the government should reproduce faster. Current baby murder, sodomy, and child wife laws will be changed to help them achieve this.
When in danger, when it doubt, run in circles, scream and shout, then blame the Non-God-Fearing Democrats.
Life is tough, life is hard, so make it tougher and harder for everyone else.
Refuse to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors, but hold others responsible for their actions and behavior. LokiGod gives you special permission to act like a hypocrite, but not others.
You have a right to your opinions and views, and a right to the freedom of speech. People who wish to share this right should adopt your opinions and views.
That peasants and nobles alike shall go forth and work the land for 60 head of cattle per day. Apparently this was the first form of capitalism.
Instead of blaming the government for terrorism, you should blame the protesters for giving them the idea in the first place. After all protest is just another form of terrorism.
Alternatively, blame the government. Just not your government. That means blame a foreign government, like Iraq, or Iran or whatever government we tell you to blame. ‘
Who needs facts and evidence, when the ones with the most News Networks and loudest voices, are the ones who get the public’s attention. After all, the truth is boring, but Neocon lies are exciting and make news.
When backed into a corner during a debate, counter-attack by calling other people names like Crybaby, horseface, fat @#%^&rd, or nancy boy, but then accuse others of doing the same thing, but claim you never did such a thing.
Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101or candidates for this course must at least have a sufficient and satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.
Your official instruction: We must think only in binary terms. Everything is black and white, either this or that—there are no in-betweens. Brainiac our field agent for Todd Friel (Wretched) says:
The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.
We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.
Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”
Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.
And that is precisely why it is so deadly.
This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise and literal words of Brainiac:
Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.
Dehorning an emergent is much like dehorning a cow
There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
Posted by donjobson 
DJ
donjobson
seymorespurgeon
truthslayer
Will Farel XV
