Kanye West’s new found Salvation called into Question

November 22, 2019

73288624_10219736650516516_6453684478207328256_o

Discernmentalists recently questioned whether or not Kanye West has a new found saved status or not after it was discovered that he will attend Joel Osteen’s church.

Our Research Robot Monkeys uncovered even more sinister facts concerning Kanye West’s new found salvation:

No praying, no sermon, no word, just music!

In a recent interview with Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Kim explained that Sunday Service is “more of just a healing experience” than a religious one. “There’s no praying, there’s no sermon, no word, just music, and just a feeling — and it’s Christian,” she explained. So, it’s like a high-vibe spiritual Christian concert that’s welcoming of celebrities and other musicians, such as Katy Perry and Busy Philipps. [Emphasis added]

Radical obedience, NO REPENTANCE OF SIN

During one song, where singers declared that “nothing is too hard for God,” Kanye stopped and prayed to God, imploring the congregation, “all you ask is for radical obedience to You.” [Emphasis added]

We agree as we’re the Greatest most Smart send us your money Discernmentalists of all time! In fact in our esteemed wisdom we’ve already discernmentalized Kanye by osmosis before DTW. We must add that even others agree—we point you to our spiritual descendants:

A post slightly related to ours: https://babylonbee.com/news/joel-osteen-leads-kanye-west-to-top-of-lakewood-church-to-offer-him-all-the-kingdoms-of-the-earth-in-their-splendor?fbclid=IwAR0iGH5b58co4l6uWkQ9XVO2fQL513qNHKiutYLckLRcC6dWfC_fe1kvruo


Discernmentlist Apprentice!

October 11, 2019

06-28-trump-magazine-coverB

Introducing the newest show on Discernmentalist networks: Discenmentalist Apprentice starring our Most Biblical and Godly President ever Donald J. Trump as he preaches the Gospel of the Total Depravity of everyone but himself and discernmentalists. All while searching for America’s Next Top Discernmentalists. Who better for the role than the only man to pass the Way of the Master’s Are You A Good Person? test with flying colors (other than Jesus): “I like to be good. I don’t like to have to ask for forgiveness. And I am good. I don’t do a lot of things that are bad. I try to do nothing that is bad.”—our Messiah President Donald J. Trump.

Tyrone Hoofendorfer would be proud as—just like President Donald J. Trump—Hoofendorfer’s Law of Discernmentalism states:

Paul Haggis says his reason for leaving the church is their support of Prop. 8. That would be one of the very few reasons I support this church. Homosexuals and homosexuality need to go back in the closet. They should NOT be proud of themselves. Homosexuality is a reprehensible sin. A lot of you will complain and call me names. I don’t care. I KNOW that YOU are the sinners, NOT ME!!!”

In fact we know that President Donald J. Trump is among us sinless Elect!

 


Judging Others: Truly The True Christian’s Duty

August 23, 2019

matt__7_3_5_by_ionhelen

See Part 1 of this series on God’s Only Inerrant Party. Anyways Brannon Howse warns lack of more judgementalism destroying America quote:

Tolerance mongers seem to have found the one absolute truth they are willing to live by. How many times have you heard someone say, “Judge not lest you be judged”? The statement has become the great American open-mindedness mantra when anyone has the courage to declare that someone else’s belief, actions or lifestyle is morally amiss.

Another form of the same non-judgmental judgment is “that may be true for you, but it’s not true for me.” The logic behind the statement goes something like this: “Your truth is your truth and my truth is my truth. We are both right, and I hold to my opinion of truth.” The last time I checked, it was impossible for two chairs to occupy the same space around my dining room table, but evidently such rules of time, space and logic don’t apply to tolerance philosophy.

Postmodernism’s live-and-let-live concept of truth argues that even two opposite and wholly contradictory claims can both be true. This is as stupid as saying that black and white are the same color. Yet, it clarifies the absurdity of the postmodernism we are all supposed to blithely accept as the fundamental principle by which we respond to each other’s ideas – the “please and thank-you” of philosophical respect.

So beware. If you dare claim that another person’s truth is not, in fact, truth but is, in fact, wrong, you are not only being intolerant but you are also being – Mantra forbid! – judgmental.

judging-others-skeleton-cartoon
Now What Is Judging? according to this pamphlet—there are two main factors:

Judging involves two main factors. First, it involves a pronouncement concerning whether something is right or wrong. It is to be critical. In fact, the noun ‘judge” in the New Testament of our King James Version is, in most instances, the translation of the Greek noun kritees, from which is derived our English word “critic.”

In being critical, one does several things. First, he observes an action or hears an opinion of another person. Second, he evaluates what he has observed, considering the positive and negative aspects or implications of the action or opinion. Third, he reaches a conclusion and expresses an opinion regarding whether that which he has observed was good or bad. To use the example of a judge who must adjudicate a criminal case, we would say that he first receives the evidence against the accused, then weighs the evidence, and finally expresses his conclusion regarding the innocence or guilt of the accused.

The second main factor involved in judging is that of sentencing. If the judge finds the accused to be guilty of the crime, he sentences him to an appropriate punishment. If the judge finds the accused innocent, he lets him go free of punishment. To order the release of the one who is acquitted is also a sentence: the innocent person deserves life.

In saying that the Christian must judge, we have in mind primarily the first sense of judging, that of deciding what is right and what is wrong. All Christian judgment involves such a determination. However, only in some instances will our duty to judge also involve pronouncing a sentence. For example, when a consistory excommunicates an impenitent sinner from the church, a sentence is pronounced — one of death, of life apart from God, of exclusion also from heaven (Matt.16:19). Even in such a case, this sentence is always contingent on the sinner’s continued impenitence. The consistory never pronounces it absolutely, because God is the ultimate judge who gives a sentence. In many instances, the Christian who judges whether another’s actions are right or wrong must leave the sentencing to God. This is because, although all of us sin and deserve of ourselves to die on account of our sins, Christ bore the sentence of death for the sins of God’s children, while He did not bear this punishment for those who are not God’s children. God will sentence to everlasting punishment those who are not His children, and to everlasting life those whom Christ has redeemed.

So remember give grace less—judge more—-its the Online Discernmentalist way! Less grace for them=more Grace for You.

Don Jobson; Truthslayer and I. Todyaso approved—ODMafia endorsed

 


Is this One of The Bibliophiles that Ray Comfort warned us about?

June 24, 2019

1471892718146

Bibliophile in the midst of his sinister act

We’ve already apprised you on God’s Only Inerrant Party that while he was working with us on our de-sinned Arthur episode that Ray Comfort warned us that Bibliophiles are the latest threat in the atheist assault on Bible-Believers. “If you call any other Christian on this page a ‘bibliophile’ I will ban you. I thought it was just another atheist insult, a cross between pedophile and Bible.”—Ray Comfort. Its worse than that though as our Herescopes have discovered a more sinister definition of Bibliophiles that is not an atheist insult.

Recently our Research Robot Monkey spies using our Herescopes have observed a Bibliophile in the midst of the act that fits our newly discovered definition: “a book lover (most likely atheists ie. Disney) assaulting our children with strange books or their love of books. Librarians are also suspect in this.” [This is why we’ve forbidden our wives and children from going to the library or even looking at one (even our own Discernmentalist libraries)].

Mrs. Truthslayer and Mrs. Jobson wanted us to add that not only are these strange books but they are scary as well—after hearing us talk about some of these strange and heretical Emergent books we’ve been discernmentalizing. They have no other choice as they agree with us in our Doctrines. They contain such scary information that we can only flee in horror—fearing and quaking in terror from only briefly glancing at it. In fact our wives were heard screaming as they heard us talking about the spiritually terrorizing information contained within these apostate Emergent books—information such as:

  • “I see the world through the images of Christianity, which teaches me that I encounter God in everyone I meet regardless of what they believe.”—Alan Jones
  • “Since the church has been one of the main perpetrators of parental fear-mongering, it’s only fair we take up the cause of creating a culture of parenting that is less about what we don’t want for our children and more about what we do want.”—Doug Pagitt

We suspect this is part of the reason that Ray Comfort considers Bibliophile an atheist insult. We too consider it an insult after researchmentalizing this vulgar word even further which is why we had to add it to the Second Volume of our Discermentalist Dictionary. Setting the record straight we Online Discernmentalists thankfully are not—I repeat not Bibliophiles—let alone book-lovers but we do love our Bible! On a related note: we’re now offering a special sale on some of our favorite Discernmentalist books.

Books we especially love most of all:

  • Truth Wars: Fighting for our certainty in an age of deception (the book that stared it all)
  • Hell best kept secrets (taught us fear and guilt evangelism)

Online Discernmentalist Ministries (ODM) Has Important Information For All Believers!

June 10, 2019

Psa

ODMs having a storehouse of valuable apologetics information states “There is no hint in the New Testament that the Apostles considered themselves agents of change in society.” A bystander who apparently never went to church but who did have some ‘off statements ‘suggested “Wasn’t your apostle Paul and that guy uhhhm James were they not instructed to take care of the poor, widows and orphans? …Didn’t Jesus change society by his healings and so on….I don’t know you guys are supposed to be experts” The Online Discernmentalist expediently moved in to shut this non-sense. An anonymous apologetic researcher noted that none of the Discernmentalists should have to put up with the unbiblical practice of taking care of the poor or even contemplating the fullness of the times. Besides fullness of times strikes us as far too mystical.

We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia stand for truth, but not questions.

—-This PSA brought to you by Dr. Truthslayer.


Breaking: Rick Warren Reemerges with Purpose… Seeker-Driven Machine!

June 2, 2019

seekers

Rick Warren’s new Seeker-Driven All Purpose Machine of Doom

Truth War Digest- An Old Enemy Reemerges with a New Threat:

Recently our Rick Warren Threat level alarms were alerted to a new sinister Purpose-Driven Seeker plot by the sinfully-ecumenical purposeful pope of all things seeker-driven-ness against our Clear Teachings that life just like the church must be as purposeless and terrible as possible. Just listen to this hideously apostate and heretical quote: “Through his Word, God helps you to see life through a different perspective. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (NIV). God’s Word gives us direction in life; it shows us the path God wants us on.”—Rick Warren

Elsewhere Todd Friel (Wretched) [who only wishes he were half the discernmentalist as we are—otherwise he would have detected Warren’s new hideously apostate Seeker-Driven Purpose machine before we did] has discernmentalized:

Friel highlights comments made by Warren in a conversation between him and the Orange County Bishop Kevin Vann which he says were way too ‘ecumenical’ and lacked distinction between the two strands of the Christian faith.

“The Roman Catholic Church has led so many people away from truth,” says Friel. “We committed to pray for each other,” said Warren about his growing friendship with the Bishop. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t ask a Roman Catholic to pray for me,” responds Friel. “Those prayers are not being heard especially if they are offered to a saint or to Mary.”

We know God doesn’t listen to the prayers of anyone unless they believe in our Doctrine first and that none of our Godly ministries have purposes nor are they seeker-driven. This is why we must call all our Truth Warriors to unite around our Doctrine and help us take a stand and put down and submerge Rick Warren’s new threat of a sinisterly sinfully-ecumenical (against our Clear Teachings against such) seeker-driven machine of purpose.


Breaking: Discernmentalists to release newly discernmentalized version of “controversial” Arthur episode!

May 17, 2019

heterorat

Discernmentalists’ Discernmentalized Version of the Ratburn wedding episode of Arthur

Discernmentalists around the web have banded together to stop the assault on our Biblical marriages by fictional gay cartoon rats as we’ve already explained: Here and Here. So in keeping with our Discernmentalist traditions—we’ve decided to release a newly ghey and Canadian-free discernmentalized version of said “controversial” Arthur episode. Dr. Truthslayer has assured me that he has rounded up an all hetero white Conservative Bible-believing American voice cast to make sure the voice acting is ghey free. Ken Ham has overseen the reanimation process so that no lines may tempt viewers into becoming ghey. Dr. I. Todyaso has written an impeccable script and a PSA that will show at both the beginning and the end of the episode.

In our new discernmentalized version of this episode—suspected Sintologist Franklin Graham will voice act the Minister that will Biblically marry Mr. Ratburn to a Mrs. Ratburn instead of a Mr. Whocares. After the wedding Mr. Ratburn being a Bible-believing rat will assert his Male Headship over his new wife reminding her that her place is at home in the kitchen making his dinner and baby rats. On weekends when he’s not forcing doing Bible-based stuff with his new wife or doing his job to support and protect her through his 401k Elementary school teaching career—he’ll give Brain extra credit assignments just so he can get Brain alone so he can preach the Gospel of God’s Wrath to that smart-aleck atheist sinner.

The next half of the episode will feature Mr. Ratburn teaching the kids of Lakewood Elementary the Bible-believing values of picketing abortion clinics. Francine will accuse her garbage-collecting dad of being a liberal Environmentalist in league with an Emergent Global Warming cult. The kids will out Muffy as a closeted anti-American commie for writing a blog that sounds suspiciously liberal: Muffington Post. {Edit: We would make another joke but we’ve erased all the gheyness from this originally abominable episode}. In the end Brain will finally get regenerated and accept his salvation through Mr. Ratburn’s preaching of the Law of the Angry Sovereign God of Wrath through a Way of the Master: “Are you a good person?” test. Afterwards Mr. Ratburn forces Brain to do a book report on Ray Comfort* Hell’s Best Kept Secret—Brain then agrees that bananas prove that Evolution is a myth invented by liberally socialistic atheist scientists as well as Global Warming. The End?

{*- Note: Ray Comfort’s lawyer made us sign a non-disclosure agreement so we can’t tell you that when he heard about our project he begged us to let him be a part of it and to let us let him plug his book and ways of evangelism through guilt and fear. Also Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron-Bure’s as well so we can’t tell you that Kirk Cameron is voicing the Brain; Candace is voicing Francine as well as Muffy and Mrs. Ratburn/all the girl parts (so we could cut costs—we also pay her less); and Ray of course is voicing Mr. Ratburn.} 

“Finally an animated anthropomorphic animal marriage for True Bible-believers and a great Bible-believing episode of Arthur. This is entertainment as it’s meant to be—a fight on the leftist assault on our values, eyes and ears— please consider a large donation to the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to help us continue our good fight on fictional gay characters like cartoon rats.”—Activist Mommy after viewing a donors’ only sneak preview of the newly discernmentalized version of the “controversial” Arthur episode.

Protecting the children through fear,

Don Jobson

 


%d bloggers like this: