Chad Holtz And Mike Morrell’s Emergent Village Possibly Found

April 19, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys recently infiltrated an Emergent Cohort compound and discovered horrible abominations such as couches and candles. In this candle-lit ashram there were a bunch of scantily-clad men and women participating in the usual routine Emergent rituals of nude centering prayer (with much icons, incense, chanting, and apophatic silence). There was a lot of stretching going on and not in a good way. Our Research Robot Monkeys were horrified at all they saw and we are too. All we can say is Beware… Beware the Emergent Hordes and their Seeker-Sensitive Purpose-Driven lives!

Video of a typical Emergent Village pow-wow:


Your typical Emergent Village church service!

March 6, 2010

This is what happens at a typical Emergent Church service!  If you know what things happen at those couch and candle driven churches you would be shocked! You would never see anyone having fun in one of our churches! We make sure nothing like that would ever happen!


We must stand against Rick Warren’s PEACE plan!

January 28, 2010

 

Rick Warren showing us that the PEACE plan is only about himself!

Warren‘s PEACE Plan The ODMafia Analysis
1.Was: Plant churches  Changed to: Promote Reconciliation This is just another scheme to sell more books! (We wish we thought of it first!) We must stand against this as Rick plans to try to end “Spiritual emptiness” under the cruel and unbiblical idea of planting churches and preaching… Reconciliation! We hate that!
2. Equip servant leaders This is just another ploy to get rid of the priest laity division. Which is fine as that idea is “reformed” BUT! What Rick is really doing is taking away OUR jobs! Yes, he is trying to bring down the walls between the Forever-And-Righteous-Theologians and the peons that think they can just read the bible and understand without our help! How dare Rick Warren think he can equip anyone better than we can!
3. Assist the poor What the Hell for? They got themselves in that mess. If they were just committed to the Holy Economics of Capitalism then they would not be poor and be rich like me! The real issue is poor people riding the system and using my tax money to buy big screen TV’s and Wii’s!
4. Care for the sick And this… this is just a code for socialism… Rick Warren just wants to pass the Health Care bill so that we will be equal with Canada!
  Of course this means then that Rick Warren is for abortion if he supports Obama (the antichrist himself!) and the evil Health Care bill!
  This also means Rick Warren is trying to stop the spread of AIDS. How dare he go against God’s holy means of judging those homos!
5. Educate the next generation By educate Rick Warren means he wants me to pay for third world schools to educate those living there! This means our products we send there to have them make at a lower cost will now cost more! How can we keep Wal-Mart supplied with low cost (near slave labor) products
  This also means that Rick Warren wants women to be equal with men! How unbiblical is that! We have only a few exemptions like Ingrid of Slice, Deborah of DTW and Paula at her blog (is that even still up and going?)
By education, Rick Warren also means that I will have to stop driving my Hummer and drive a hybrid car!  

The final analysis is that Rick Warren has gone insane! His ego is only surpassed by our self righteous judgment of him! Be sure to send him a note telling him how he needs to stop this silliness before he embarrasses all of us True Christians!


Our Goal For A Post-Emergent Church

October 15, 2009

The Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future—For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

  • In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We’re Old But We’re Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We’ll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we’ll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins—souls that is! Rainbow wigs available after your first forced communion.

 

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This is your typical Emergent Church Service

August 2, 2009

This is actual footage taken by our hidden spy cameras when we infiltrated the Emergent Village. Listen and you will here him mock Christians!

 


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