A Serious Concern & A Serious Praise & Rules of Engagement for Serious ODMs

May 1, 2008



This post might be a little longer, but I think it will be worth your time. I have two points to make about blog posts of so-called discernmentalists (emphasis on the ‘mental’ part). Before I make the two points about two different blogs, I would like to take a little time to lay out what I believe to be eleven very important aspects of the work we do here at ODM. You might call these the ‘Ten Commandments’ of judgmentalism discernment, but since there are actually eleven, and since we do not mock the word of God by making silly metaphors like this, I’ll just say it is eleven very important rules of judgmentalism discernment. Here they are:

  1. I think the most important aspect is to keep as many people out of heaven as possible. We don’t want heaven too crowded as that might make it difficult for those of us who truly deserve to be there because we follow the rules. (This will be demonstrated in part 2 of this post.)
  2. I think in order to do this we must constantly be alerting you to the myriads of false teachers that are nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing. We take this very, very seriously.
  3. It is also import to nullify any silly notions that we are saved by grace and not by keeping rules. To do this, we continually add new rules to the Scripture and judge discern those who break them.
  4. It is most important that we keep tabs on the church and identify all sinners, while carefully maintaining our own sinlessness, because, clearly, the Lord does not have enough time to ‘Annanias and Sapphira’ the unworthy. We thank God constantly that we are not like the sinners in the church.
  5. It is important that we keep the real Enemy of the church happy and his home populated by running down anyone who wears the name ‘Christian’ in a way we discern is not Christian at all. The Bible was written for us to do this very thing.
  6. To protect heaven’s purity from all fake Christians. (This is similar to number 1, but also different.)
  7. Most significantly, we want to continue pointing out to the real world why hate is a necessary theological construct in the church. If we do not have a proper theology of hate how will the world ever know who the real disciples of Jesus are.
  8. We want to protect the church from all sinners who might ruin it for us. The church is not a hospital for sinners, but rather a museum for dusty relics to be admired by passers by.
  9. We want to solidify our power base so that we might control what all people think about Scripture, the church, Jesus, and how to administer ‘justice’ in the world. We are the determiners of what is right and true worship. There must be no imagination, no contemplation, no change in the church. We should reflect a Puritan system of worship and sing hymns alone written by dead people who are only too aware of our current cultural situations.
  10. To protect unbelievers from anything that smacks of Jesus. Seriously, we don’t really want people to be saved by the Gospel, but brainwashed by ‘gospel.’
  11. We hope to continue doing ‘our father’s’ bidding. (With apologies to CS Lewis and Screwtape.)

Now, to be sure, there are other objectives that we have and this is really just a preliminary list. I’m sure others have done a better job of articulating our Mission Statement. If I have failed, I will gladly renounce my membership in the church.

Finally, two last points. One point of warning and another of praise.

First, the warning. I am sick of the fake discernmentalist over at Slice. She constantly tries to convince us of her holiestness and righteousnessism, but we are not so convinced. Here is the latest travesty of this debacle of a discernment blog. All you have to do is look at her ‘blogroll’ and you will see a link to another blog called ‘Always Ready‘ which purports to:

It is my desire to fulfill the great charge of this passage by addressing theological errors directly from the Scriptures, as well as by posting edifying material for those who desire to grow in knowledge of the truth. This I will do with God’s help and to his greater glory.

The problem is this: The author of Always Ready posted a poem the other day by noted Roman Catholic by birth converted to Anglicanism P*** Poet John Donne. That’s right. John Donne may have written much ‘religious’ poetry in his later years, but his early years are marked by a clear involvement in the underground world of P***. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia:

Donne’s early career was also notable for his erotic poetry, especially his elegies, in which he employed unconventional metaphors, such as a flea biting two lovers being equated to sex.[7] In Elegy XIX, “To His Mistress Going to Bed,” he poetically undressed his mistress and compared the act of fondling to the exploration of America. In Elegy XVIII he compared the gap between his lover’s breasts to the Hellespont.[7] Donne did not publish these poems, although he did allow them to circulate widely in manuscript form.[7]

We fail to see how this sort of poetry is going to ‘edify’ anyone, let alone Christians. I think all of us can see clearly that Slice of Laodicea is pandering to the world of p*** by advocating a link to ‘Always Ready.’ We are at a loss to know how anyone can be ready when they are so brazenly involved in advocating p***. Here is an example of Donne’s writing from Elegy XIX. Notice first how he writes about his ‘mistress’ and second how he makes reference to ‘Mahomet’s Paradise.’ I guess we can safely say that perhaps Slice is also, along with Always, advocating Islam:

A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise; and though
Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know
By this these Angels from an evil sprite:
They set out hairs, but these the flesh upright.

License my roving hands, and let them go
Behind before, above, between, below.

All of us, then, have much here to be concerned about when it comes to Slice and Always. You have again been warned.

Second, we have a word of praise. In keeping with our first stated purpose above, we have nothing but praise for Lighthouse Trails Research. If you are lucky enough to get on the front page after clicking that link (they are so busy that sometimes the Internet is jammed up from the traffic) you will see on their front page that NO ONE is going to heaven except the blessed administrators of Lighthouse Trails Research and a few who write books for them to make a profit from. This makes us happy. We are glad that they, along with us of course, will someday enjoy the Father’s bounty. We are glad that they are exposing the world, including non-Christians, to the dangers of so many different fake Christians and Bibles. We are glad they are warning us about the Eugene Peterson’s, Rick Warren’s, and Bill Hybels among others. Oh, and we are especially grateful for this page which warns us of all the dangerous ‘Christian’ organizations like Christianity Today, Focus on the Family, and more. Also, if you belong to any of the following denominations, you may as well forget about heaven: American Baptist, Church of the Brethren, ELCA, PCUSA, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and more. Also, if you are reading David Jeremiah, Chuck Swindoll, David Seamands (that heretic Dan Goldfinch wrote a review praising a book by Seamands), Brother Lawrence, Henri Nouwen, Eugene Peterson, Rick Warren among others–your salvation is in danger, and we are glad.

I can only speak for myself, but I am fairly certain that Dr Spurgeon and I Todyaso will agree: Gladly there will be more room in heaven for us without the millions represented by these denominations being there. Thanks Dombrowski’s for keeping them out for us. 

We say a hardy Thank You to Lighthouse Trails Research for saving the Lord time on judgment day by discerning now, in the present, all who are bound to hell. This will free up the Lord’s hands and give Him more time to pat on the back those of us who are really laboring for the Kingdom. These folks are my new heros (but only just because I don’t want to be accused of idol worship): David and Deboroah Dombrowski! Three cheers for them!

I know this is a long post, and I applaud you for sticking it out with me. I encourage you to leave congratulatory remarks praising the Dombrowski’s for their fearlessness in the face of the obvious persecution they must be facing here in America for publishing some very important works by noted and remarkable authors. And we here at ODM reject any notions that they are running down other authors and publishing houses and ministries and para-church organizations and churches and preachers, etc., in order to make their own books more attractive and a bigger profit for their own for-profit publishing company. There is no way on the planet that these two upstanding disciples would ever sink to such levels of depravity in order to make a buck.

So, to sum up: Slice promotes a blog that promotes p***, Lighthouse Trails Research is simply going above the call of duty keeping heaven free from delinquent and poser Christians, and there are at least eleven rules governing the work that we, and most, ODM’s do.

Thank you and remember: If you are a in Laodicea, we are struggling for you. We do not want you to be left behind. Please join our crusade to convert all Emergents, Purposians, Contemplatives, Liberal Democrats to a more wholesome, whiter, more Republican version of the Faith once Delivered. And remember, we are struggling for you.


PS–I have conveniently written P*** as such to prevent those of you with filters from not seeing this post. That’s how much we care. Too bad Ingrid doesn’t care that much.

PPS–I am sorry if I have offended you by publishing an excerpt from Donne’s p*** poetry. If I have offended anyone–well, tough. That’s the price you have to pay to know the truth!

In Madge We Trust!

April 1, 2008


Fellow Laodiceans, 

I think it is safe to say that we can all rest easily in the knowledge that, as it turns out, Madonna is on our side. This is comforting to me. We live in a scary world full of all sorts of pseudo-preacher types. But I take great encouragement that Madonna is, according to this report, preaching the Good News. She was overheard to say:

“For me we all need to be Jesus in our time,” the 48-year-old singer/actress/humanitarian said.

It is important that we fear, and reject, and recoil at the preaching of most–folks like Eugene Peterson (radical contemplative), JK Rowling (radical imagination), CH Spurgeon (radical calvinist), Martin Luther (radical anti-semite) and many, many others. But I think it is safe to say that we can trust Madonna. After all, she is named after The Virgin–how can she be wrong? And she is British and nothing bad ever comes from London.

Many of you are struggling to find a preacher you can listen to and trust. I understand your angst and that is the point of this post: Go to Madonna. Her mouth is full of nothing speaks nothing but jolly old English Cheer and godspel. And she is not, I stress this: Not, radical about anything. How can we wrong with someone named after The Virgin?

I hope this helps. For your convenience, Madonna’s sermons are available at Itunes and at your local National Record MartWal-Mart or through BMG. They are conveniently packaged in jewel cases and are available on CD or Cassette and sometimes, for you purists, on Vinyl (sorry, no 8-Tracks available as of this writing). Also, for your worship pleasure, the sermons are set to music and if you look hard enough, you might find a video version at youtube or on VH1: Hits of the 80’s. I recommend her greatest hits: Pappa Don’t Preach, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Angel and Sanctuary. You are sure to grow in some sort of faith.


HT: Jason Goroncy (Jason had nothing to do with post. I just found the article link at his blog. Please don’t blame him or ply him with questions about Madonna’s ordination or her credentials, academic or clergy.)

%d bloggers like this: