Extra Apprising And Freaking Newsflash: Ken Silva Finds An Evanjellyfish Washed Up On The Shore!

 

(Apprising And Freaking Out  News)— On his recent vacation to a secluded beach, the vainhearted and valiant foolhardy great Pastor-Teacher-Scholar of all things Truth Warrior and Discernmentalist, Ken Silva was enjoying his relatively quiet and calm vacation away from discernmentalizing and Apprising everyone when he heard a voice suddenly saying: “Genuine Christianity is learning to live by an indwelling Christ. Genuine church life is born when groups of people are intoxicated with a glorious unveiling of their Lord.” (Source: Jesus Manifesto). Turning around Ken noticed that the voice had come from a hideous and horrible looking monstrous creature from the deep known as an Evanjellyfish that had recently washed up on the shore. In it’s invisible tentacles the Evanjellyfish had a copy of Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola’s lastest heretical and apostate book, Jesus Manifesto: Restoring the Supremacy and Sovereignty of Jesus Christ. Apparently the Evanjellyfish had been quoting some of his favorite quotes from the book. Ken not being one to let things go  immediately began Apprising and discernmentalizing the Evanjellyfish.— (Source). *(Editors note: for a better view of what these heretical and apostate Evanjellyfish look and sound like click on the included photograph to enlarge it for the most optimal viewing experience possible).*

Rick Warren’s Newest Sinister Plot Discovered

Rick Warren plans to unleash Purpose Driven Baseball upon the world. Oh the sheer horror! We Know that like life baseball should be kept as Purposeless as humanly possible. John MacArthur teaches this essential Absolute Biblical Truth when he says:

People have to understand that salvation is not being delivered from bad feelings or the lack of self-esteem or and unimportant life or a purpose-less life or a less than fulfillment. Salvation is deliverance from the eternal wrath of God and everlasting Hell. You have got to get the message right. First of all as to the condition of the sinner and the remedy also in Christ.

We agree that the purpose driven life has no gospel in it as God doesn’t have a plan or purpose for your life. Todd Friel  adds:

God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. No, God does not love you and does not have a wonderful plan for your life. The only promises for the convert are trials, temptation and persecution. If that is how you define a wonderful life, fine. Otherwise we must command all men everywhere to repent and trust.

This is why we must take a stand in God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath against Rick Warren’s hideous plans for Purpose Driven Baseball:

Mobile Discernmentalists Unit

Recently the Department of Motorized Discernmentalism created a new Highway Discernmentalist Patrol Unit aka the Mobile Discernmentalism Unit or MobDU for short.

MobDU‘s primary tasks are:

• Discernmentalizing Eco-friendly vehicles
• Tagging and registering non-gas guzzling vehicles
• Making sure all vehicles on the road pollute the environment in order to speed up Jesus’ hasty yet sure return, the End Times and the Rapture
• Checking  to see if all cars have at least one unregenerate reprobated non-Elect heathen on board just in case the Rapture happens soon as those Left Behind will need to man the car
• Scouting out Emergent Vehicles
• Alerting Discernmentalists whenever  Brian McLaren’s Monster Truck and Dan Kimball’s Spider Vehicle of Doom are nearby

Among other Discernmentalizing tasks—also meet our new Armored MobDU Patrol Unit for extra protection against Doctrinal Impurities, the Emerging Apostasy, Emergentness and other such Heresies:

Breaking News: George W. Bush Undergoes Exorcism

“The Power Of Christ Compels You!;” Pope Benedict XVI exorcizes George W. Bush. Photo Courtesy of  the Vatican Archives.

(Take A Stand News Reports)–After much outcry and the aftermath of when Brannon Howse first outed Former False President George W. Bush using these terms:

“I was one of the first conservative talk show hosts to refer to George W. Bush as a socialist and a globalist. Both parties are destroying our country.”

Sources close to the Former Bush Administration say that these charges brought major concerns for the image of the Administration and Inside Sources say that in fact Bush was possessed and inhabited by Red-Letter Christian demons—which seduced him into implementing “socialist and globalist” policies in order to taint the Pure Doctrines Of The American unBiblical Gospel Of Reaganism. These Sources corroborate their conspiracy theories,  non-factual findings and painstakingly misresearched incriminating evidence to point to the case that Bush was possessed and in need of an exorcism based upon Bush’s interactions with Emerging/Emergent Church “leaders.”

Doug Parris in True Sedewhitehousist fashion  is on record as saying that “this is what happens when people don’t admit that the White House has in fact been vacant since Final President Ronald Reagan left the Office back in 1989 and that the White House since then has been occupied by False Presidents or Anti-Presidents.” (We of God’s Only Inerrant Party  are hoping to remedy this by running a Presidential ticket of Brannon Howse/David Barton in the near future so that we can return America back to it’s unBiblical roots of Absolute Theocracy, God and the Bible,  militarism and imperialism, military security, nationalism, patriotism, unregulated greed Capitalist Materialism Capitalism and Reaganolatry Ronald Reagan.)

Eric Barger reports that “things seem to have gone from bad to worse” so much so that Bush indeed had an Exorcism earlier this weekend to return him to the Reagan fold. Discernmentalists were hoping to get a Protestant exorcist in hopes of having a Pure Exorcism but none could be reached so the Pope had to do despite the clear teachings of Ken Silva against such. Discernmentalists are still waiting to see if the Exorcism did any good.