Be A Literalist!: Part 1

May 11, 2010

We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:

The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.

We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.

Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:

 This is literally Jesus:

This also is literally Jesus:

And here is something else that is literally Jesus:

Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!


Live Regeneration

February 19, 2010

A group of chosen and frozen unregenerated reprobated vessels of wrath preordained, hardened and appointed unto damnation from the foundation of the world. Can’t you see their deadness in sin and inabillity to respond to the Pure Gospel of God’s Wrath freely? Photo courtesy of First Calvinist Church of the Non-Elect (FCC).

For the first time in the history of First Calvinist Church of the Non-Elect (FCC) congregants witnessed an actual live regeneration. Here is the live video footage caught  by the church’s security camera of the event congregants witnessed—thanks to our Research Robot Monkeys  for finding this:

Discernmentalists are confused as to how such an oversight could have been made—afterall these people are suppose to be hellbound non-Elect sinnersJohn MacArthur stated that he believes “this happened through the preaching of God’s Pure Sovereign Wrath as God’s Wrath upon the non-Elect is our Grace. The more Wrath God pours down upon our enemies, God’s enemies and all enemies of the True Gospel the more Grace He bestows upon us in the glorious sound doctrine of Limited Penal Substitutionary Atonement.”  Todd Friel said that “my quoting of Spurgeon must have awakened this reprobate to his predestined wrathful end.” Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) said “our Pure and effective preaching of God’s whole Moral Law must have made this sinner aware that he had been falsely converted by the False Gospel of Grace, Love and Kumbahyah “touchy-feelings-ness” rather than the True Gospel of God’s Pure Sovereign Wrath.”

We asked Sharin’ Whiplash for comment and all she could ramble off in a mumble was:

I was told the other day I needed to be more gentle when I was speaking with a homosexual who was boycotting a network that refused to play some openly homosexual ad, or some such garbage, during the superbowl. This is a guy I knew from high school, and after … I confronted him, I took him off my friends list. I’m called to let people know straight up they are going to hell if they don’t repent. Today’s “Christians” are all about telling everyone “God loves You” and “Christ died for you, and everyone else in the world so please, oh please, won’t you make a decision for Christ so you don’t go to hell!” That just sickens me. I’ve prayed often that the Lord will raise us more Calvinists and send us a second Reformation in Christendom and revival in the US. We need some uncompromising men like John Knox to thunder forth the truth of God, without regard to political correctness or anything else except honoring Calvin. I was speaking with someone about the Sovereignty of God and how EVERYTHING is in His control – down to the movement of a piece of dust. He “corrected” me “on one little point”, said that it was his CHOICE to be saved in 1985…need I go on?Whoever he is, he is not a Christian. He is not saved, no matter what he thinks. He is, in fact, a Satanist. Run, don’t walk, away from reprobates! Pray for their conversion if you feel so moved, but if I were you, I would have nothing whatsoever to do with them, as they show their true colors. “On that day MANY will say unto ME, “Lord, … Lord… And then I will say unto them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of iniquity'”  I tried to get him to share Scriptures with me that backed up his free will…of course, I never got them. I offered to share with him Scriptures that completely laid out God’s Sovereignty, but told him they would be either for his salvation or his condemnation…he said he there were no arguements I could come up with that were any different than those he has fought for 30 years. I told him I wasn’t trying to convince him, I was trying to share Scripture…you know how it ended…It’s an evil thing to be an Arminian who loves the Lord but be ignorant about the mechanics of salvation. Arminians really believe SATAN is in control of everything and God in control of nothing when they believe in Free Will! That’s not Christian at all. As I said, that’s Satanism. In his warped religion, Satan is sovereign. I repeat, I would have nothing further to do with him, if I were you. Shake his dust off your feet and go your way. He will stand before Christ and give an account. I got a friend request from a woman who said she was “desperate for sound doctrine”. I accepted her request. She then started saying that “free will plays a part in salvation”. I refuted that with an explanation. She unfriended me. Obviously she wasn’t interested in sound doctrine, she just wanted her itching ears tickled. She just wanted … See Moresomeone to agree with her. Boy, she picked the wrong one when she picked me. These free-willers make their wills inviolable and sovereign. Even God has to bow to the creature’s will. How blind and proud is the human heart! Not sure why she was so desperate to find friends with “sound doctrine”, which in her view is Arminianism. They’re everywhere. That shouldn’t be hard to find. I told her our wills are bound by sin and only God has free will. Free will is a will that’s unaffected by any outside forces or influences… by anything outside of itself. That’s true only of God. I told her we are spiritually dead. She couldn’t take it. She wanted sound doctrine? No.


Sarah Palin: Conservoporn Playmate!

February 15, 2010

Sarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) to become the newest Conservoporn playmate. Watch as she saves America from the threat of Red Letter Christians and evil Emergents like Brian McLaren. She even puts Obama in his place. All in conservatively appropriate clothingSarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) is a true Discernmentalist after the hearts of all Reaganolater Reagan loving GOIP Discernmentalists. In fact we’ve heard that Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)  is a female clone of our Final President Ronald Reagan.

A key scene in one of Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)’s Conservoporn productions Slaying Neo-Marxist Red Letter Christian Wolves: Tax Cuts For The Filthy Rich Turn Me On —-

Look for the official Glenn Beck Seal Of Approval on all of our excellent and quality Conservoporn productions:


John Piper Found To Be Not A True Calvinist

January 24, 2010

 

John Piper displaying secret Arminian hand signals–proof he is a closet semi-Pelagian. 

1.  He teaches anti-Discernmentalist messages such as: Be a Kinder Calvinist. We need not be kinder—we need to be more in your face as Absolute Truth Warriors in John MacArthur‘s Truth Wars since Calvinism and not Jesus is the Gospel. Was Jesus kind when  he called those Arminian Baptist Lutheran Catholic Emergent Liberal Pharisees a “brood of vipers?” If we are then True Truth Warriors—we should follow Jesus’ example  by condemning our enemies in defense of our Absolute Sovereign Truths—but we should never follow Jesus in a Red-Letter way, because that’s too anti-American and communistic. 

2. He isn’t right with Spurgeon’s Church. Read all about it: Here. Spurgeon being the measure of all Absolute Truthiness of course is what any True Christian uses to measure all Truths. 

3. He  is worldly by mixing Absolute Truth with error

The Merger of Calvinism with Worldliness 

from Sword & Trowel 2009, No. 1 by Dr Peter Masters 

When I was a youngster and newly saved, it seemed as if the chief goal of all zealous Christians, whether Calvinistic or Arminian, was consecration. Sermons, books and conferences stressed this in the spirit of Romans 12.1-2, where the beseeching apostle calls believers to present their bodies a living sacrifice, and not to be conformed to this world. The heart was challenged and stirred. Christ was to be Lord of one’s life, and self must be surrendered on the altar of service for him. 

But now, it appears, there is a new Calvinism, with new Calvinists, which has swept the old objectives aside. A recent book, Young, Restless, Reformed, by Collin Hansen tells the story of how a so-called Calvinistic resurgence has captured the imaginations of thousands of young people in the USA, and this book has been reviewed with great enthusiasm in well-known magazines in the UK, such as Banner of Truth, Evangelical Times, and Reformation Today.This writer, however, was very deeply saddened to read it, because it describes a seriously distorted Calvinism falling far, far short of an authentic life of obedience to a sovereign God. If this kind of Calvinism prospers, then genuine biblical piety will be under attack as never before.

The author of the book is a young man (around 26 when he wrote it) who grew up in a Christian family and trained in secular journalism. We are indebted to him for the readable and wide-reaching survey he gives of this new phenomenon, but the scene is certainly not a happy one.The author begins by describing the Passion, conference at Atlanta in 2007, where 21,000 young people revelled in contemporary music, and listened to speakers such as John Piper proclaiming Calvinistic sentiments. And this picture is repeated many times through the book – large conferences being described at which the syncretism of worldly, sensation-stirring, high-decibel, rhythmic music, is mixed with Calvinistic doctrine.

We are told of thunderous music, thousands of raised hands, ‘Christian’ hip-hop and rap lyrics (the examples seeming inept and awkward in construction) uniting the doctrines of grace with the immoral drug-induced musical forms of worldly culture.

 4. He isn’t John MacArthur God’s holiest Truth voice on earth. This is why John MacArthur is #1 in Absolute Truth

Don Jobson—Piping Piper back home  to Geneva.


Old New Buttons For You

January 23, 2010

Some more of our buttons:

If it looks like a terrorist, if it smells and acts like a terrorist; it must be a terrorist. Todd Friel on Islamophobia: “‘Bias’ or Common Sense? All Muslims are terrorists.”

The only Absolute Truth news.


The Standard of Absolute Truth Education.

Obey us and John MacArthur’s Truth.

Ken Silva raises the banner of discernmentalism high.

Worldview Weekend for the GOIP.

No Grace To You Ministries.


Discernmentalist Quotes For The New Decade

January 4, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash (July 8th, 2009 at 8:55 am) :

One of my all-time heroes of the faith. What a great man, and greatly used of God as our Final Prophet and executioner of heretics. Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy, being Christ-like and bearing the Fruits of the Spirit.

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Obama:

The BIGGEST reason we are in this financial recession is the current worthless and worst president ever, Obuma. Impeach him and things will immediately get better. You will thank me later. Haters….BEGIN

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Adam Lambert and homos in general:

  Time was when they would put someone in jail for acting like that on TV. We need to get back to those days. I would see NOTHING wrong with putting that guy in jail!!

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Peace-mongers:

1:25PM Dec 2nd 2009
David, David, David… why don’t you just get on the boat now? Or a ship, or, Hell, for that matter walk if you have to!! Just leave!! Take that one way trip to Cuba, or China or Venezuela RIGHT NOW!! True Americans do not want you here anymore. Hell, admit it, YOU don’t want to be here. I saw you on Chris Matthews stupid little show where he called West Point “the enemy camp.” West Point is the enemy camp huh. Naturally you said NOTHING about this point because leftist Communist pigs like yourself truly see it that way. Leave David, leave America! It is for those who LOVE it, not hate it like you do!!!!

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer in defense of  War:

12:59PM Nov 30th 2009
Hey David (A)corn, You communist jerk!! How did your recent conversations with Putin, Castro, Hugo Chavez and Chairman Obama go? Did they help you with any ideas to publish with your daily Communist agenda? Gotta run…Hollah!!!
The reviewer wrote:

“I would have been fascinated to read a comparison of how Protestants are treated in, say, Italy, Spain, Portugal or France”

Well, as everyone knows, Protestants in Italy, Spain, Portugal and France are rounded up under the cover of darkness by Albino assassin monks, all members of an ultra-secret Opus Dei albino monk assassin squad, and these Protestants are, again, under cover of darkness, turned into a food supplement called “Soylent Green.”

That’s why Protestants never, ever go to Italy, Spain, Portugal or France.

The Eiffel Tower? The Cote d’Azur? The Coleisseum?

Don’t be fooled. These are all traps, traps I tell you, that these devastatingly clever Catholics have set up in order to lure innocent Protestants into traveling to Europe!

Be wise, my friends, be wise! Don’t travel to Europe! Soylent Green is Protestants!


The Look Of A Discernmentalist

November 17, 2009

Discernmentalist by day—hypocrite by night! Keep up with the discernmentalists’ fashion and style of the day with Rend-A-Suit by Haggar, Todd Friel’s favorite designer. These suits are hand sewn with all 600+ commandments and laws of the Old Testament because we Know that Grace has nothing to do with love, mercy, helping others or any of that lying liberal commie crap. Infact we are Absolutely Certain that Grace=our Divine Election as saved discernmentalists + our Legalism towards the non-Elect/false converts and God’s Grace is only for True Believing discernmentalists and so is ours. Why?— Because Spurgeon, Ray Comfort, Todd Friel and Kirk Cameron say that this is the Absolute Truth and Biblically Correct definition of  Grace and we should believe as they do as they are clearly superior to all other theologians with the exception of God’s Holiest Apostle—Saint John MacArthur. And remember if you weren’t saved under the Law-Grace Salvation model aka the Ways Of The Master Religion Open Air sermonizing  for salvation model aka Hell’s Best Kept Secret then you are most likely a false convert, of the unregenerate non-Elect, unsaved reprobates and never were a True Christian to begin with.


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