Sarah Palin: Conservoporn Playmate!

February 15, 2010

Sarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) to become the newest Conservoporn playmate. Watch as she saves America from the threat of Red Letter Christians and evil Emergents like Brian McLaren. She even puts Obama in his place. All in conservatively appropriate clothingSarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) is a true Discernmentalist after the hearts of all Reaganolater Reagan loving GOIP Discernmentalists. In fact we’ve heard that Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)  is a female clone of our Final President Ronald Reagan.

A key scene in one of Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)’s Conservoporn productions Slaying Neo-Marxist Red Letter Christian Wolves: Tax Cuts For The Filthy Rich Turn Me On —-

Look for the official Glenn Beck Seal Of Approval on all of our excellent and quality Conservoporn productions:


Martin Luther Secretly Muslim

January 26, 2010

We have Absolute Proof! Our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon this startling revelation of Luther’s Closeted Islamic beliefs:

 From this book, accordingly, we see that the religion of the Turks or Muhammad is far more splendid in ceremonies—and, I might almost say, in customs—than ours, even including that of the religious or all the clerics. The modesty and simplic-ity of their food, clothing, dwellings, and everything else, as well as the fasts, pray-ers, and common gatherings of the people that this book reveals are nowhere seen among us—or rather it is impossible for our people to be persuaded to them. Fur-thermore, which of our monks, …Martin Luther 

Therefore the Lutheran Reformation was secretly created by Muslims—no wonder some believe Luther was not as Reformed and Protestant as Calvin. * (Although some of our Research Robot Monkey Spies came upon this quote by Calvin:

No man is excluded from calling upon God, the gate of salvation is set open unto all men: neither is there any other thing which keepeth us back from entering in, save only our own unbelief. —John Calvin

So perhaps Calvin isn’t as Reformed and Protestant as Spurgeon or John MacArthur).

Hopefully Ken Silva will call Chris Rosebrough and Ingrid Shuelter  to repent of their Lutheran-Islamism and also for Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to remove his picture of the Muslim Lutheran leader Martin Luther from the header of his blog.

Don Jobson—fibbing proclaiming the Truth.


Discernmentalist Quotes For The New Decade

January 4, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash (July 8th, 2009 at 8:55 am) :

One of my all-time heroes of the faith. What a great man, and greatly used of God as our Final Prophet and executioner of heretics. Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy, being Christ-like and bearing the Fruits of the Spirit.

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Obama:

The BIGGEST reason we are in this financial recession is the current worthless and worst president ever, Obuma. Impeach him and things will immediately get better. You will thank me later. Haters….BEGIN

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Adam Lambert and homos in general:

  Time was when they would put someone in jail for acting like that on TV. We need to get back to those days. I would see NOTHING wrong with putting that guy in jail!!

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer on Peace-mongers:

1:25PM Dec 2nd 2009
David, David, David… why don’t you just get on the boat now? Or a ship, or, Hell, for that matter walk if you have to!! Just leave!! Take that one way trip to Cuba, or China or Venezuela RIGHT NOW!! True Americans do not want you here anymore. Hell, admit it, YOU don’t want to be here. I saw you on Chris Matthews stupid little show where he called West Point “the enemy camp.” West Point is the enemy camp huh. Naturally you said NOTHING about this point because leftist Communist pigs like yourself truly see it that way. Leave David, leave America! It is for those who LOVE it, not hate it like you do!!!!

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer in defense of  War:

12:59PM Nov 30th 2009
Hey David (A)corn, You communist jerk!! How did your recent conversations with Putin, Castro, Hugo Chavez and Chairman Obama go? Did they help you with any ideas to publish with your daily Communist agenda? Gotta run…Hollah!!!
The reviewer wrote:

“I would have been fascinated to read a comparison of how Protestants are treated in, say, Italy, Spain, Portugal or France”

Well, as everyone knows, Protestants in Italy, Spain, Portugal and France are rounded up under the cover of darkness by Albino assassin monks, all members of an ultra-secret Opus Dei albino monk assassin squad, and these Protestants are, again, under cover of darkness, turned into a food supplement called “Soylent Green.”

That’s why Protestants never, ever go to Italy, Spain, Portugal or France.

The Eiffel Tower? The Cote d’Azur? The Coleisseum?

Don’t be fooled. These are all traps, traps I tell you, that these devastatingly clever Catholics have set up in order to lure innocent Protestants into traveling to Europe!

Be wise, my friends, be wise! Don’t travel to Europe! Soylent Green is Protestants!


Brian McLaren Directly Assaults Discernmentalists

December 3, 2009

Discernmentalists, we are under direct attack on a daily basis. We need to rally to arms and put on the aggressive defense. Just last month Brian McLaren directly assaulted Uncle Ken Silva and Aunt Ingrid Schlueter of Slice Of  Laodicea. Ingrid was caught yelling in a headlock:

What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

which  inspired her to write this scathing critique of her ordeal:

Brian McLaren Paints Critics as Gay-Hating Bigots

by Ingrid Schlueter

Emergent author Brian McLaren doesn’t believe in a literal Second Coming of Jesus. He has problems with the penal substitutionary atonement of Jesus on the cross. A literal hell with eternal torment for those who reject Christ? Not likely. The Genesis account of the fall of man? Not true. But instead of addressing his own spiritual rebellion, Brian appears to want to paint his critics as bigots. In a recent blog post, McLaren demands that what he calls “discernment websites” (he used the quote marks) address an African country’s attempts to codify severe penalties for homosexuality into law. He seems to imply that these same “discernment ministries” would automatically support the arrest and execution of gays by Uganda.

For the record, Brian, that’s a pretty nasty strategy to use against those who point to your heretical doctrinal views. While emergents supposedly are intellectual, open-minded people who enjoy conversations with subtle nuances and lots of mystery, McLaren actually sees things in black and white. Anyone who is not willing to jettison cardinal doctrine and embrace his “new kind of Christianity” is painted as ready to commit hate crimes and would support mistreating gays. What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

Ken was found wounded in the fray but not hurt. We asked him for comment and all he could murmur was:

It’s interesting this “minister” would place quotations around “discernment websites.” Well, as one of said sites, I can tell McLaren that I personally do not at all “enjoy featuring and critiquing the work” of any of these postliberal rebels against the final authority of God’s Word. The Lord knows that I’d much rather go back to apologetics and evangelizing those lost in the kingdom of the cults.

Indeed this is why we must go back on the aggressive defense and never compromise on preaching the whole ‘discernmentalist’ truth to all liberal, apostate, heretics!


GOIPers Unite In A Day Of Imprecatory Prayer Against Obama

November 19, 2009

Todd Friel, Wiley Drake and Brannon Howse lead the rally. GOIPers and fellow discernnmentalists hear the battle call. We who hold Jesus—- the King James Bible AV1611—the Absolute Truth in our hands have a duty to pray against ungodly rulers and our enemies—because this is what Jesus wants:

The Bible is Jesus/God—this is the Absolute Truth, which God’s True Elect know with Absolute Certainty—so therefore when Jesus (the King James Bible AV1611) says in Psalm 1o9:8-15:

8 Let his days be few; and let another take his office.
9 Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.
10 Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.
11 Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour.
12 Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children.
13 Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out.
14 Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out.
15 Let them be before the LORD continually, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.

We know with Absolute Certainty that these verses refer to Obama and are God Jesus’ Absolute Will and  Decree for him from the foundation of the world. Afterall the mark of a True Christian is to quote-mine,  prooftext, pick and choose  or cheery pick random verses from the bible as a means of sound bite Theology. believe God when He speaks in His Word— the King James Bible AV1611 and obey Him and His Word— the King James Bible AV1611.

This then is our Imprecatory Prayer against Obama that God Himself commands all True Believers to pray. Now had one of our own leaders been elected President then everyone must obey Romans 13—but since we have an anti-Christ in the White House then we must pray Imprecatory Prayers until we install Robo-Reagan Ron Luce as Supreme Theocratic Dictator of the World for life—a True tyrant Patriot in the likeness of John Calvin our Final Prophet.


Chris Rosebrough: Dirty Mouth? Clean it Up! Updated!

July 7, 2008

Update: We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia are proud to say we made a difference. Chris Rosebrough has change the original post from the profanity he used to “jerk”. Thank God for us.

 

Here is the screenshot of his original  post.

I. Todyaso 

 

———————————————————————————-

Laodiceans,

Recently we were overjoyed that Uber-ODM, mentor, and all around nice gal, Ingrid, from Slice of Laodicea returned to the ranks of the Sanctified and Perfected and called down the wrath of God on all who thought George Carlin was an evil, dirty-mouthed, lying, going to hell, not made in the image of God reprobate. She wrote:

Yesterday I wrote about the passing of George Carlin and his legacy of mainstreaming a lot of moral filth. My critics claimed that I only saw him as a cultural war enemy and that I was too harsh and too outspoken about his gutter humor.

She also wrote:

It is singularly fitting that what passes for Christianity today would celebrate the life and comedic routines of George Carlin. In fact, based on the language and spirit of much in the purportedly Christian blog world today, I would say that there is no better representative icon of post-Christian Christianity than George Carlin.

We here at ODM agree. Kudos to Ingrid for having the courage to point out that George Carlin was a destructive force and that Christians ought not to have ever laughed at him or his jokes. Now let’s see her take her courage one step more.

I am sad to report that the trend of Christians using the potty-mouthed humor of secular jokers has reared its ugly head again. This time from respected ODM and Extreme Theologian Chris Rosebrough. Here’s the direct quote from his blog, Extreme Theology:

Bill Cosby tells a story about a friend who tried to convince him to try cocaine by claiming that it enhances one’s personality. Cosby’s retort was classic. He asked, “Yeah, but what if you’re an ass****?”

I think the same principle applies to being “Purpose-Driven” and “finding your purpose”.

 

I cannot tell you had saddened I am by this development. Chris Rosebrough has long been a respected member of the ODM community, but he evidently did not get the memo on this one: We ODM’s are opposing all things secular, all things comedy, all things laughter, all things fun and all things filthy-language oriented. You have got to be kidding me Chris!?! I am shocked and ashamed.

Well, here’s hoping that super-gal Ingrid will demonstrate the same courage on this one that she did against that heretic imonk and the backslidden boys of CRN.info. I know I am going to be hitting Slice quite a lot in the next day or so hoping to see if she blogs against this foul-mouthed, potty-mouthed, filthy-mouthed joke of an ODM.

Wake up people! Can’t you see there’s a war going on all around us? We don’t need the George Carlin’s and Bill Cosby’s of this world to make our theological points!!! Chris, by posting this line from Cosby you have totally undermined any authority or respect you may have once had. You need to get repenting.

I write because I care. I am always struggling for you in Laodicea because I love you. To paraphrase the words of our hero Ingrid:

When I re-read [Rosebrough’s] utter disregard for the well-being of [everyone] in his audience [at Extreme Theology]…I feel true indignation.”

Me too.

Really. Truly. Sad.

struggle4laodicea


A Serious Concern & A Serious Praise & Rules of Engagement for Serious ODMs

May 1, 2008

 

Laodiceans,

This post might be a little longer, but I think it will be worth your time. I have two points to make about blog posts of so-called discernmentalists (emphasis on the ‘mental’ part). Before I make the two points about two different blogs, I would like to take a little time to lay out what I believe to be eleven very important aspects of the work we do here at ODM. You might call these the ‘Ten Commandments’ of judgmentalism discernment, but since there are actually eleven, and since we do not mock the word of God by making silly metaphors like this, I’ll just say it is eleven very important rules of judgmentalism discernment. Here they are:

  1. I think the most important aspect is to keep as many people out of heaven as possible. We don’t want heaven too crowded as that might make it difficult for those of us who truly deserve to be there because we follow the rules. (This will be demonstrated in part 2 of this post.)
  2. I think in order to do this we must constantly be alerting you to the myriads of false teachers that are nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing. We take this very, very seriously.
  3. It is also import to nullify any silly notions that we are saved by grace and not by keeping rules. To do this, we continually add new rules to the Scripture and judge discern those who break them.
  4. It is most important that we keep tabs on the church and identify all sinners, while carefully maintaining our own sinlessness, because, clearly, the Lord does not have enough time to ‘Annanias and Sapphira’ the unworthy. We thank God constantly that we are not like the sinners in the church.
  5. It is important that we keep the real Enemy of the church happy and his home populated by running down anyone who wears the name ‘Christian’ in a way we discern is not Christian at all. The Bible was written for us to do this very thing.
  6. To protect heaven’s purity from all fake Christians. (This is similar to number 1, but also different.)
  7. Most significantly, we want to continue pointing out to the real world why hate is a necessary theological construct in the church. If we do not have a proper theology of hate how will the world ever know who the real disciples of Jesus are.
  8. We want to protect the church from all sinners who might ruin it for us. The church is not a hospital for sinners, but rather a museum for dusty relics to be admired by passers by.
  9. We want to solidify our power base so that we might control what all people think about Scripture, the church, Jesus, and how to administer ‘justice’ in the world. We are the determiners of what is right and true worship. There must be no imagination, no contemplation, no change in the church. We should reflect a Puritan system of worship and sing hymns alone written by dead people who are only too aware of our current cultural situations.
  10. To protect unbelievers from anything that smacks of Jesus. Seriously, we don’t really want people to be saved by the Gospel, but brainwashed by ‘gospel.’
  11. We hope to continue doing ‘our father’s’ bidding. (With apologies to CS Lewis and Screwtape.)

Now, to be sure, there are other objectives that we have and this is really just a preliminary list. I’m sure others have done a better job of articulating our Mission Statement. If I have failed, I will gladly renounce my membership in the church.

Finally, two last points. One point of warning and another of praise.

First, the warning. I am sick of the fake discernmentalist over at Slice. She constantly tries to convince us of her holiestness and righteousnessism, but we are not so convinced. Here is the latest travesty of this debacle of a discernment blog. All you have to do is look at her ‘blogroll’ and you will see a link to another blog called ‘Always Ready‘ which purports to:

It is my desire to fulfill the great charge of this passage by addressing theological errors directly from the Scriptures, as well as by posting edifying material for those who desire to grow in knowledge of the truth. This I will do with God’s help and to his greater glory.

The problem is this: The author of Always Ready posted a poem the other day by noted Roman Catholic by birth converted to Anglicanism P*** Poet John Donne. That’s right. John Donne may have written much ‘religious’ poetry in his later years, but his early years are marked by a clear involvement in the underground world of P***. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia:

Donne’s early career was also notable for his erotic poetry, especially his elegies, in which he employed unconventional metaphors, such as a flea biting two lovers being equated to sex.[7] In Elegy XIX, “To His Mistress Going to Bed,” he poetically undressed his mistress and compared the act of fondling to the exploration of America. In Elegy XVIII he compared the gap between his lover’s breasts to the Hellespont.[7] Donne did not publish these poems, although he did allow them to circulate widely in manuscript form.[7]

We fail to see how this sort of poetry is going to ‘edify’ anyone, let alone Christians. I think all of us can see clearly that Slice of Laodicea is pandering to the world of p*** by advocating a link to ‘Always Ready.’ We are at a loss to know how anyone can be ready when they are so brazenly involved in advocating p***. Here is an example of Donne’s writing from Elegy XIX. Notice first how he writes about his ‘mistress’ and second how he makes reference to ‘Mahomet’s Paradise.’ I guess we can safely say that perhaps Slice is also, along with Always, advocating Islam:

A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise; and though
Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know
By this these Angels from an evil sprite:
They set out hairs, but these the flesh upright.

License my roving hands, and let them go
Behind before, above, between, below.

All of us, then, have much here to be concerned about when it comes to Slice and Always. You have again been warned.

Second, we have a word of praise. In keeping with our first stated purpose above, we have nothing but praise for Lighthouse Trails Research. If you are lucky enough to get on the front page after clicking that link (they are so busy that sometimes the Internet is jammed up from the traffic) you will see on their front page that NO ONE is going to heaven except the blessed administrators of Lighthouse Trails Research and a few who write books for them to make a profit from. This makes us happy. We are glad that they, along with us of course, will someday enjoy the Father’s bounty. We are glad that they are exposing the world, including non-Christians, to the dangers of so many different fake Christians and Bibles. We are glad they are warning us about the Eugene Peterson’s, Rick Warren’s, and Bill Hybels among others. Oh, and we are especially grateful for this page which warns us of all the dangerous ‘Christian’ organizations like Christianity Today, Focus on the Family, and more. Also, if you belong to any of the following denominations, you may as well forget about heaven: American Baptist, Church of the Brethren, ELCA, PCUSA, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and more. Also, if you are reading David Jeremiah, Chuck Swindoll, David Seamands (that heretic Dan Goldfinch wrote a review praising a book by Seamands), Brother Lawrence, Henri Nouwen, Eugene Peterson, Rick Warren among others–your salvation is in danger, and we are glad.

I can only speak for myself, but I am fairly certain that Dr Spurgeon and I Todyaso will agree: Gladly there will be more room in heaven for us without the millions represented by these denominations being there. Thanks Dombrowski’s for keeping them out for us. 

We say a hardy Thank You to Lighthouse Trails Research for saving the Lord time on judgment day by discerning now, in the present, all who are bound to hell. This will free up the Lord’s hands and give Him more time to pat on the back those of us who are really laboring for the Kingdom. These folks are my new heros (but only just because I don’t want to be accused of idol worship): David and Deboroah Dombrowski! Three cheers for them!

I know this is a long post, and I applaud you for sticking it out with me. I encourage you to leave congratulatory remarks praising the Dombrowski’s for their fearlessness in the face of the obvious persecution they must be facing here in America for publishing some very important works by noted and remarkable authors. And we here at ODM reject any notions that they are running down other authors and publishing houses and ministries and para-church organizations and churches and preachers, etc., in order to make their own books more attractive and a bigger profit for their own for-profit publishing company. There is no way on the planet that these two upstanding disciples would ever sink to such levels of depravity in order to make a buck.

So, to sum up: Slice promotes a blog that promotes p***, Lighthouse Trails Research is simply going above the call of duty keeping heaven free from delinquent and poser Christians, and there are at least eleven rules governing the work that we, and most, ODM’s do.

Thank you and remember: If you are a in Laodicea, we are struggling for you. We do not want you to be left behind. Please join our crusade to convert all Emergents, Purposians, Contemplatives, Liberal Democrats to a more wholesome, whiter, more Republican version of the Faith once Delivered. And remember, we are struggling for you.

struggle4laodicea

PS–I have conveniently written P*** as such to prevent those of you with filters from not seeing this post. That’s how much we care. Too bad Ingrid doesn’t care that much.

PPS–I am sorry if I have offended you by publishing an excerpt from Donne’s p*** poetry. If I have offended anyone–well, tough. That’s the price you have to pay to know the truth!


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