Happy Divine Destruction Of The Earth Day!

April 22, 2010

Happy Earth Day. We  Discernmentalists do not believe in such a Worldly and Paganistic Earth-worshipping holiday as Earth Day. Foolish Environmentalists want us to take care of the Earth—what unbiblical nonsense (Genesis 1:26). The Earth is expendable for God in His Absolute Sovereign Wrath will soon enough destroy not only the Earth but the entire universe in these Last Days—that is after He raptures up His predestined Elect. This is why we must take a stand against such an unbiblical apostate and Satanic celebration as Earth Day so  remember these Bible-Based words of  our Pure theme song that we created using Eric Barger’s STRETCH Technology:

Discernmentalists chant: “WASTE!”
“FIRE!”
“TORNADOES!”
“FLOODS!”
“WRATH!”

Discernmentalists then shout: “Go God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) shouts: “By your Discernmentalist powers combined, I am Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

 

He’s our Discernmentalist powers magnified
And he’s fighting on God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrathful side

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur), he’s our hero
Gonna take Emergent environmentalism down to zero

Gonna help him put asunder apostates and
Other bad guys who like to spoil our Capitalistic looting and plundering

 

With a sinister jeer Brian McLaren snidely scowls: “You’ll pay for this Captain Pollution (John MacArthur)!”

We’re the Polluteteers
You can be one too
‘Cause self-righteously judging someone’s salvation is the thing to do!

Capitalistic looting and polluting are the Way
Hear what Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) has to say!

Captain Pollution (John MacArthur) triumphantly proclaims this Gospel message: “The Power of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath will Destroy the Earth!”


Discernmentalist Church History 101: Solo Calvinus!

February 25, 2010

Discernmentalists here is one of the exciting new Free Online Discernmentalist Courses that we  are now offering. Discernmentalist Church History 101: Solo Calvinus—Pastor I. Todyaso recommends this course for all new Discernmentalists! We Know that all True Church History begins and ends with John Calvin. Sure we may use John Wesley and Martin Luther every now and then in our attacks on defense of Truth (except when they don’t even agree with us) but we are not even certain that these two men really exist. And we are Absolutely Certain that Karl Barth doesn’t exist.

We also Know that there were no True Christians before John Calvin and the only True Christians after John Calvin must follow him and Ronald Reagan (as Capitalism is unBiblical) exclusively. We Know Sola Scriptura, Sola Christus, Sola Gratia, Sola Fide really mean only our interpretation of Calvin‘s interpretation of Scripture is correct, you can only get to heaven by the Synods of Dort, the only True Grace is for Discernmentalists and you should have faith only in our interpretation of Calvin’s interpretation of  Scripture.

P. S. And remember Semper 1600’s—Always 1600’s always and Soli Calvinus et Noster Veritas Belli gloria—for the glory of Calvin and our Truth Wars alone. 

P. P. S. Dr. Arthur  McJohn reminds you to burn an Anabaptist in Calvin’s honor as a prerequisite for taking our course so that we’ll know that you are Truly Hardcore Deformed Reformed enough like these guys are to pass our tests of True Orthodoxy.

Drs. Don Jobson, Truthslayer, I. Todyaso and Arthur McJohn—your Professors of Discernmentalist Divisional and Revisional Church History.


Introducing Bible-Based Gymnastics

February 16, 2010

Eric Barger using Stretch Technology has figured out a way to bring Bible-Based Gymnastics to the Winter Olympics stating that every season is right for Bible-Based Gymnastics and other Discernmentalist events. What is Bible-Based Gymnastics you may ask? Why nothing but stretching Truth out of it’s context especially bible verses. Here is an example of how to perform a Bible-Based Gymnastic stunt: you put the right verse out, you put the wrong verse in, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about that’s what it’s all about.

All together these actions yeild these results: an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20) is more superior than Jesus, John 3:16 only means God loves a select few people and not the whole world, the Bible has authority over Jesus, sin is sin except when we  do it, etc.

P. S. Eric Barger and his disciples upon reading our Excellent Awesome Quality Discernmentalist Article wanted to add their two cents. First they wanted to say that Yoga is not Bible-Based Gymnastics—We Know based on this verse: 

Deuteronomy 17: 2-4— “If a man or woman living among you…is found doing evil in the eyes of the Lord…contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun..”

Secondly asking questions is evil unless it is Truth Warriors doing the one sided interogation questioning:

 I do challenge each reader to examine through the prism of scripture what is being taught and what we are accepting. Ask questions. Be inquisitive and, yes, respectfully and biblically demand answers from those who seek to lead you. I also exhort each of us to speak up when Emergent heresy comes knocking at our church’s door. If it hasn’t yet, it eventually will.

Coercion Arguing with heretics is a Bible-Based Gymnastic trick.

Finally when Truth contradicts itself invent your own. This is called the Uneven Bars Trick based on these verses:

Romans 1:29-31 (New International Version)

29They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.

Which We Know really means:

Titus 3:9-11 (King James Version)

 9But avoid foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and vain. 10A man that is an heretick after the first   and second admonition reject;  11Knowing that he that is such is subverted, and sinneth, being condemned of himself. 

And that we who hold the Absolute Truth are Saved.

Don Jobson and Truthslayer—Biblical Truth Olympiads.


Sarah Palin: Conservoporn Playmate!

February 15, 2010

Sarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) to become the newest Conservoporn playmate. Watch as she saves America from the threat of Red Letter Christians and evil Emergents like Brian McLaren. She even puts Obama in his place. All in conservatively appropriate clothingSarah Palin (Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome) is a true Discernmentalist after the hearts of all Reaganolater Reagan loving GOIP Discernmentalists. In fact we’ve heard that Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)  is a female clone of our Final President Ronald Reagan.

A key scene in one of Sarah Palin(Yes!  hubba hubba Awesome)’s Conservoporn productions Slaying Neo-Marxist Red Letter Christian Wolves: Tax Cuts For The Filthy Rich Turn Me On —-

Look for the official Glenn Beck Seal Of Approval on all of our excellent and quality Conservoporn productions:


WWRRD? Part 2

February 6, 2010

And now a special announcement from:

Deconstructing the military; Global Warming Is Frozen Over;  Congressman  Warns of Social Unrest and Martial Law
New World Order Weekend to all GOIP Discernmentalists

Dear New World Order Weekend Friends,

Adolf Brannon Howse has been a long time friend and I thank him for giving me this opportunity to tell you about my work to further the legacy, ideas, and worldview of my father. I am also working to oppose the revisionist true history that is being written about my father by mythologizing, creating fables, making idols out of his legacy and spinning it in the favor of Right Wing Christo-Fascists telling the Absolutely Certain True History of his legacy.

 On Saturday, February 6th  (today) our Final President Ronald Reagan would have turned 99 years old.

 One of The greatest and only true President’s in American history and also  one of the worlds greatest leaders of the 20th Century, Final President Reagan will go down in history as the man most responsible for ending the Cold War and the demise of the Soviet Union because the Pope the spiritual Anti-Christ , Gorbachev and the liberal apostate abortion-enabler False President Richard Nixon whom are both political Anti-Christs had no hand whatsoever in it.  We are in his Final President Reagan’s debt forever.

 But will the world remember?  Will American school children know the Absolutely True legacy of Ronald Reagan?  Will the children of Eastern Europe, Asia and other points that are now free, understand the role that Ronald Reagan played in late the 20th Century?

 As Ronald Reagan’s son, the man who truly knows Ronald Reagan, who sat at his side and believes as fervently as he did, the values of theocracy and tyranny freedom and liberty, I am now welcoming you, urging you even, to become Charter members of  The Theocratic Calvinist Christian Fascist Party’s Fundamentalist Absolute Truth Final President Ronald Reagan Legacy Foundation today.  Please click here to join today.

 Why I am doing this?  I was in Berlin for the 20th Anniversary celebration of the Fall of the Berlin Wall.  I saw Gorbachev grab the mics and horde the spotlight (how dare he!), taking the mantle of the man who said “tear down this wall.”  I saw first hand the world’s media and the foreign elites’ adulation thrown at Mikhail Gorbachev. How dare they not idolize our Final President (Reagan) and support America first policies—afterall since America is God’s Holy and Chosen Nation—we deserve all the attention and highest of praises by the false leaders of the world! You would have thought he (Gorbachev) personally drove a bull dozer to “tear down this wall.” 

 But you and I know that is the not the real Absolutely True story.  They can, and have been, rewriting history, but we must not let them continue. 

 When my father, Final President Ronald Reagan stood at the Brandenburg Gate and spoke the words, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this Wall” the tides of history changed, braver words had never been spoken. And that is why I need your help.  Please help me preserve his legacy, we must not let history forget the role my father played in defending freedom, not just for Americans, but for millions of people around the globe by sanctioning CIA assassinations of democratically elected leaders of free electionsPlease join me today.

 Let me, very briefly; tell you what we have done in such a short period of time, on almost no budget. 

  •  We helped fund and build the Ronald Reagan exhibit at Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin.  Just six months old, already over 1.5 million people have seen this exhibit.  If not for this exhibit, Ronald Reagan’s voice and presence would have been completely wiped off the face of history in Berlin for last year’s celebration.  We need to keep this exhibit alive and expand it to other cities as American history is the only Truly Important History in the world.
  •  We have set up a scholarship fund for sailors who serve on the aircraft carrier, the USS Ronald Reagan to support our Militaristic conquests
  •  We are working in schools to set up curriculums that will tell the truth Absolute Truth about my father’s role in the world and in preserving freedom through US backed terrorism.

 We need and will do much more to ensure that Ronald Reagan is not forgotten by time and by the rewiring remembering of non-bias history that is happening right now in our schools and around the world.

 When I traveled last fall to places like Berlin, Warsaw, Poland and in Prague, Czech Republic, the people, the average person in the street, knows well, the role my father played in single-handedly bringing down the Soviet Evil Empire and in bringing freedom to millions.  They lived through it.  But what of future generations? 

 We must fight to preserve the Reagan legacy.  Please help me today by making a contribution of $25, $50 or $100.  Or even more if you are so blessed and inclined to help.  

 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you are doing in the preserving of our liberties and freedoms.  Oh behalf of the True Republican Party—God’s Only Inerrant Party my beloved late father, I thank you for everything you are able to do in helping preserve his legacy.

 Sincerely,

Michael Reagan

New World Order Weekend Thinker and President of The Theocratic Calvinist Christian Fascist Party’s Fundamentalist Absolute Truth Final President Ronald Reagan Legacy Foundation.

 

Michael with his father, Final President Ronald Reagan


Help Us Fight The Red Menace!

January 12, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I want to know how I can help fight the Red Menace. I am sick of all these Red-Letter Christians trying to force me into charitable causes and handing over my hard-earned money that I worked for myself to help them alleviate poverty. I believe as the Bible plainly teaches that if the poor lazy bums of the world were intended to have money that God would have predestined them to be Elect, rich and Republican from the foundation of the world. Afterall, John 12:8 states: “For the poor always ye have with you.”

Sincerely,

Rich White Scrooge, born Elect Republican.

———————————————————————————————————

Dear Mr. Scrooge,

You are Absolutely Right—Red-Letter Christians are a menace to society. The nerve of some Christians exalting Jesus above Paul’s words as the  late GOIP  Discernmentalist Dr. D. James Kennedy use to say: “Christianity is not based on the teachings of Jesus.” We suggest that you help us Truth Warriors out by buying Jan Markell‘s “Truth Dollars” to aid in the fight against the Red Menace. Each “Truth Dollar” helps to support impoverished Truth Warriors on the front-line by equipping them with Absolute Truth facts from Eric Barger’s ONE OF EVERYTHING DISCERNMENTALIST SPECIAL! We hope that we have your support in helping our cause for the non-Jesus centered teaching of Reaganism and the Gospel of God’s wrath against the poor.

Sincerely,

Dr. Don Jobson, swindling, stealing, rallying for the cause of  Absolute Truth.


Discernmentalists Invent New Device

January 7, 2010

GOIP Press—Extree extree read all aboutit! Ken Silva and Eric Barger unveil a new invention for all GOIP Dicernmentalists. Introducing the new Self-Inflating Egoanator Device–guaranteed to aid Discernmentalists in their Truth War efforts by giving Discernmentalists a quick boost to their egos and helping them to one-up those vile Emergent heretics. This device is so fearsome to our enemies that it strikes a wave of  terror even amongst the hardest-hearted atheists. They fear this device so much they even attack it:

in the words of (notable atheist) Arthur C. Clarke, “there is something unspeakably sinister about a machine that does nothing — absolutely nothing — except turn itself off.”

But who listens to atheists anyway—certainly not any True Absolute Truth Discernmentalists. Anyways behold the horror of the Absolute  Truth proving Self-Inflating Egoanator Device all ye atheists, apostates and heretics:

 Wee vill vin the Truth Wars because we alone hold to the Absolute Truth Doctrines of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and the Absolute Truth is ours alone.


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