May 16, 2019
“Be not carried about with divers and strange doctrines. For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace; not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein.”—Hebrews 13:9 (KJV AV1611)
The Mighty Phil Johnson of Hugh Jass Ministries warns that shark-lovers the world over are possibly theologically suspect as being complicit in the Pelagic Captivity of the Church. Many Pelagic shark divers* may be secretly hiding behind your church’s pulpit holding the Truth hostage by teaching the heresy that God is love and that God loves the whole world. Phil began to suspect one shark diver who visited
no Grace Community Church of spiritual terrorism when said diver began teaching divers’ doctrines and Armenian mathematics such as 2 + 2 always equaling 4 rather than the Biblically correct answer from our Reformed mathematics textbooks that 2 + 2 mostly equals 10. Soon the shark diver began babbling in tongues in what appeared to be Pornographic Divination.
Quote Hugh Jass on the incident when said diver began babbling Charismatic Chaos: “I had a vision of Mickey Mouse jumping over a shark…. and I thought Shark Week was over.” Alarming Phil’s Mighty shark-fighting senses—Phil (in a fit of Semi-Donatism)** began to punch this diver in the nose with Doctrine from the Pope of all Truth’s Mighty book fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception. Phil rebuked that Semi-Pelagic heretic: “You can’t be from Saint Augustine with your impure Doctrines…you must be from Rome. Only we are True Christians semi-Pelagic reprobate.”—forgetting for a moment that Phil’s Doctrines also come from Rome. Phil’s overlord the Great Pastor-Teacher of Grace to You=Condemnation to you fame John MacArthur (PBUH) commended Phil for preaching the True Gospel of the Ways of the Master himself’s Truth War.
We however move that we hold these Pelagic beasts captive so that the church is no longer captive to their errors such as their heretical divers’ doctrines. We also believe Phil has a Hugh Jass case of Selachophobia.
*- Phil’s depiction of that semi-Pelagic diver
**- From 393 on, Augustine took the offensive against the Donatist church. His contempt for them was obvious: “The clouds roll with thunder, that the house of the Lord shall be built throughout the earth; and these frogs sit in their marsh and croak ‘We are the only Christians’!”
May 17, 2011
Prepare for May 21st and be Rapture Ready with the Online Discernmentalist Mafia’s handy new RaptureHatch for the roofs of True Churches and the homes of True Regenerate Converts. Doomsday is soon approaching… Don’t get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathens… Let John MacArthur confirm you in our Pure Truth War Doctrines and prove that you are indeed Rapture Ready and we’ll install a RaptureHatch on your roof today!
This site (an Online Discernmentalist Mafia partner site) reveals the most complete written, audio, and video Bible teachings which conclusively prove May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day and The Rapture, and October 21, 2011 to be the end of the world. It is most urgent to examine yourself, whether you are of the Regenerate Elect and therefore are saved.
August 10, 2010
Our faithful Research Robot Monkeys are ever scouring the world in our quest of rooting out the True Christians from the fakers and pretenders; the True Converts from the False Converts. This was why we were so shocked when thanks to our Research Robot Monkey Infiltrators we discovered that Fox News are so ungodly. Not only is Fox News ungodly, they are also full of fake and pretend Christians aka False Converts because they pretend to be bible-believing Conservatives while all the while secretly supporting the ungodly liberal agenda. Here for all the world our Research Robot Monkeys expose Fox News’ Hidden Liberal Agenda:
- they are way too ecumenical
- ecumenism = liberalism
- ecumenism = one world religion/one world government/new world order
- they mix True Bible-Believing Conservative Christian Believers with False Converts such as Mary and Pope-worshipping Romanists and non-Christians (Mormons) against the clear Bible teaching of the Doctrine of Separatism in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
- by being ecumenical they plan to unleash an unholy hybrid of Calvinism (Absolute Biblical Truth) with Papism and Mormonism upon the world
- they are crybabies
- crying = effeminate
- effeminate = queerosexual
- queerosexual = liberal
- liberal = terrorist
But most importantly they broke the 11th Commandment—one of the holiest of all commandments which is: “Thou shall not cry with an unbeliever; it is an abomination.”
(Holy Ways Of The Master King James John MacArthur Bible: Wretched Edition).
July 29, 2010
McCarthy Ministries has done it again. They’ve caught Bible Monkey in the midst of “Pinkness” which is practically Red for all of our paranoid purposes. McCarthy Ministries has also drawn up a list of character traits to be suspect of:
July 28, 2010
Jan Markell: July 27
Rich Christiano joins Jan to talk about those pesky little UFOs. Should Christians take this seriously? Yes! Christiano has produced a film about the subject — a film good for spreading the gospel. He believes, as does this ministry, that these UFOs are demonic manifestations due to the lateness of the hour. After the Rapture, the world will say that these objects took people away and good riddance.
OD Mafia Editor’s Note: We have reason to suspect Obama, Lew Rockwell, Rob Bell and all Muslims have something to do with this.
May 10, 2010
As True Christians and Discernmentalists, We must stand by our Absolute Biblical Truths like tearing others down when they stand in our way. Making fun of others when they are down in the dumps and kicking them even further is Absolutely Biblical. Using Absolute Biblical Certainty, We must stand up for these Hard Truths. Our Discernmentalist logic dictates that our theology must be Extreme by nature as our God is a very angry Sovereign God ready to pour down His Absolute Sovereign Wrath upon unsuspecting non-elected sinners at any time. Putting reprobates in their place is just part of our job as the Bible commands us to imitate our Father God in Heaven.
A video example of our Biblically verifiable theology.
We wish that crybaby reprobates would quit whining and complaining about their status as the losers of God’s Sovereign lottery of pre-determined Absolute Fatalism. God can and does get what He wants as is His Sovereign Will and His good pleasure decrees so suck it up if you are on the losing end of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath as it was just Fate that you were Born to Lose. All of this is Biblically verifiable theology as We back up our Extreme Theology with the Hard Truths of the Bible and Bible-Based STRETCH Technology. This is why our Extreme approach to everything works and why We must take a stand against those trying to water down theology with love as you can’t save anyone by loving up on them. You’ve got to tell them the Truth like John MacArthur—the Hard Truth that God hates them and is so angry with their sinful ways that He could threaten to pour down His wrath upon them at any moment unless they are Elect and therefore able to repent.