What Biblically Verifiable Theology Looks Like

May 10, 2010

As True Christians and Discernmentalists, We must stand by our Absolute Biblical Truths like tearing others down when they stand in our way. Making fun of others when they are down in the dumps and kicking them even further is Absolutely Biblical. Using Absolute Biblical Certainty, We must stand up for these Hard Truths. Our Discernmentalist logic dictates that our theology must be Extreme by nature as our God is a very angry Sovereign God ready to pour down His Absolute Sovereign Wrath upon unsuspecting non-elected sinners at any time. Putting reprobates in their place is just part of our job as the Bible commands us to imitate our Father God in Heaven.

A video example of our Biblically verifiable theology.

We wish that crybaby reprobates would quit whining and complaining about their status as the losers of God’s Sovereign lottery of pre-determined Absolute Fatalism. God can and does get what He wants  as is His Sovereign Will and His good pleasure decrees so suck it up if you are on the losing end of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath as it was just Fate that you were Born to Lose. All of this is Biblically verifiable theology as We back up our Extreme Theology with the Hard Truths of the Bible and Bible-Based STRETCH Technology. This is why our Extreme approach to everything works and why We must take a stand against those trying to water down theology with love as you can’t save anyone by loving up on them. You’ve got to tell them the Truth like John MacArthur—the Hard Truth that God hates them and is so angry with their sinful ways that He could threaten to pour down His wrath upon them at any moment unless they are Elect and therefore able to repent.


There Be Floods A-Coming!

March 31, 2010

New World Order Weekend using Eric Barger’s STRETCH Prophesying Revisionist Technology predicts massive flooding in the North East  due to Obama’s non-Zionist stance:

Topic Two: Brannon believes America may very well see a serious crisis this week such as flooding in the North East for Obama’s treatment of Israel in the past few days and particularly for his treatment of Israel’s Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu. Why does Brannon say this?

We Know that all True Christians are Pro-Zionist and Premillenial Dispensationalist Rapture believers as our own Saint John MacArthur plainly teaches:

Premillennialism as being the only consistent position for any person who holds to the doctrine of sovereign electing grace. He even went so far as to say that the Amillennial position is more consistent with Arminianism than it is with Calvinism.

We also Know that the modern day United Nations created state of Israel is the same as Ancient Biblical Israel and if you don’t approve of all of the actions of 1948 created Israel then God will smite you just as He did with the enemies of the Israelites. We also Know that the Ancient Israelites are one  and the same with Modern Day Israelis including Christian and Muslim Israelis so remember America should always support Israeli backed terrorism against  Palestinians or God will smite America with more tornados and floods for His Absolute Sovereign Vengeful Hate-filled Loving Wrathful Gory Glory.

P. S. If you doubt our words we have something extra for you just in case to make sure our warnings sink in:

Item #3

Worldview Matters with Brannon Howse
You Doubt Item #2? Then listen to this best of flashback from July 2009? Brannon’s guest is John McTeran who wrote the book, As America Has Done to Israel. John details the direct connection between the alarming number of massive disasters striking America after her leaders pressuring Israel to surrender her land for”peace”. Costing hundreds of lives and causing hundreds of billions of dollars’ worth of damage, dozens of disasters, including devastating earthquakes, raging fires, hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, and tornadoes, have hit America-and always within twenty-four hours of putting pressure on Israel. John also shows the connection between America turning on Israel and our current financial crisis.

United We Stand Against Social Justice!

March 21, 2010

We are not Ecumenical as Ecumenism compromises our Pure Doctrines and the True Gospel…. but…. United We Stand…in our diverse ways of  hatred. United we stand in bigotry and arrogance. United We stand in slandering and libel. United We stand in haughtiness. United We stand in Discernmentalism, greed and True Americanism…United We Stand as DUASJ (Discernmentalists United Against Social Justice).

We Know that Social Justice is evil. We Know that Social Justice is anti-American. We Know that Jesus never talked about Social Justice at all. We Know that Jesus only talked about buying a ticket to Heaven for the Elect and the Elect chosen and frozen few only as that is the Gospel. We also Know that Social Justice is a code word for Communism, Marxism and Socialism as Jan Markell explains:

The causes of the religious Left are exclusively social, socialism, and social justice (just another term for socialism.)  You can read about them on the various Web sites such as the National Council of Churches (NCC).  Some representatives are more extreme than others, but most are cozying up to “liberation theology,” various Marxist dictators, amnesty for illegals (also being promoted by the National Association of Evangelicals), socialized medicine, pacifism, opposition to welfare reform, and even a resistance to a missile shield for America!  Some of them even want a “truth commission” to examine U.S. war atrocities.  And for this crowd, “Obamacare” is a dream come true. As I write this, they are denouncing the few pro-life Democrats who could bring “Obamacare” to a halt.

We also Know that there is no such thing as Social Injustice and that the only social sins are homosexuality and abortion as Jan Markell further states:

And then there is Jim Wallis, who represents a ministry known as Sojourners. He’s a 1960s Communist who worked with the radical Students for a Democratic Society (SDS). He realized he had to moderate to the center and be a socialist as the years went by. He is making appearances on Christian college campuses and hitting it out of the park with his messages. His thrust is to get students to quit focusing on abortion and same-sex marriage and, start to think about “social justice” issues. 

 Discernmentalists, We must take a stand in our diverse ways of  hatred against Social Justice as Discernmentalists United Against Social Justice. Together we can make a difference in our diverse ways of fear-mongering so that we can halt the Communist menace that is out to destroy Our America, Our Gospel, Our Churches and Our Pure Doctrines.

Dr. I. Todyaso Undergoes Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery

March 8, 2010

Dr. I. Todyaso underwent Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery earlier today in order to increase our Heresy Hunting efficiency by 300% more than the average rate of other ODMs especially Ken Silva’s Raw Sewage Ministries. If Dr. I. Todyaso’s surgery goes well the rest of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia hope to follow suit bringing our Heresy Hunting accuracy to over 1000%. This new Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will also help in our preaching the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath to all—pictured here:

Discernmentalist after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery threatens an Emergent heretic with the Gospel of God’s Law and Wrath and Hell.

We’ll also be able to teach Discernmentalist skills such as Self Righteousness to a wider range audience:

And in the end our army of Discernmentalists after undergoing Cybernetic Heresy Hunting Surgery will be able to bring Doomsday upon all that we deem heretical:

Baptist Pastor Calls Calvinists “Grace-hating Man-loving Man-exalting Semi-Pelagian Arminian Heretics!”

February 20, 2010

Our Research Robot Monkeys have been working day and night lately so it seems. Just last night they stumbled upon horrid information which concerns us—here is a disturbing quote made by a “so-called” Baptist pastor:

There is a tendency in most of our churches to accept almost any “decision” as a real conversion, without even asking a basic question or two from the person who makes such a “decision.” They are instantly baptized with no questions asked. This method has filled our churches with unconverted people by the millions.

As a direct result of the failure of “decisionism,” a new interest in Calvinism has arisen. Calvinism is the fastest growing movement today among Baptists and other evangelicals. But while the new Calvinism theoretically explains the reason for the failure of “decisionism,” at least so far, it has not cured “decisionism.” Why? Because modern Calvinism has only explained conversion theoretically. It has not adequately applied the doctrines of total depravity and grace. Therefore, almost anyone who mentally agrees with its basic doctrines is quickly proclaimed converted and taken into the church without actually going through the experience of conversion outlined by Spurgeon in the quotation I just gave. As a result modern Calvinism explains the errors of “decisionism,” but does not cure them. In fact, the mere assent to, and belief in, the doctrines of Calvinism have become little more than a new form of “decisionism,” in a subtler form. The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are, upon the ability to explain these doctrines, pronounced converted and taken into the churches. Therefore modern Calvinism has in no instance been connected in any way with true revival and is, in fact, little better than the average solid “decisionist” churches.

Notice that I am not speaking either for or against the doctrines they teach. I am simply saying that belief in doctrines, even true doctrines, is a mental form of “decisionism.” When you “decide” to believe the doctrines you are considered saved. This, in my view, is the weakness and error of modern Calvinism. Why? Because conversion is far more than a simple mental agreement with a list of doctrines, even true doctrines. Thus, modern Calvinism has tended to produce nothing adequate to actually cure the error of “decisionism” that has weakened our churches and filled them with so many lost souls. In fact, most of the modern Calvinists I have spoken with are still unconverted themselves. For the most part they are resting in what the older Calvinists of centuries past would call a “false hope” – the false hope that belief in correct doctrine is the equivalent of true conversion. But “doctrinal belief” is not true conversion. If the modern Calvinistic movement realizes that, and applies their doctrines, they might very well see many real conversions, and perhaps even true revival. But they must discover again the old methods of evangelism and preach “the old truths” to the unconverted Calvinists in their own congregations, or else, in spite of their doctrinal belief in Calvinism, I fear that many modern Calvinists will go into “the fire that never shall be quenched. Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched” (Mark 9:43-44).

You see there—he just called our Pure Doctrines “Grace-hating Man-loving Man-exalting Semi-Pelagian Heresy”  by saying that:

the doctrines of Calvinism have become little more than a new form of “decisionism,” in a subtler form. The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are, upon the ability to explain these doctrines, pronounced converted and taken into the churches.

As  we all know Decisionism is nothing but  “Grace-hating Man-loving Man-exalting Semi-Pelagian Heresy” aka Free-Willing Arminianism and as we also know Pure Doctrines always produce True Converts. Spurgeon would have a heart-attack if he were alive today to witness such a “Downgrade” against Pure Doctrines. We also know that Calvinism and Decisionism are oxymorons as Calvinism aka the Doctrines of Grace aka the Pure and True Gospel of God’s Grace has nothing to do with exercising Free Will to make a decision about anything as God has already made all decisions from the foundation of the world by an unchangeable Absolute Decree. Arminians attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty which is evil in and of itself but it is even more evil to attack the Absolute Sovereignty of our Pure Doctines. Sharin’ Whiplash‘s evil twin Witless Sharon upon hearing  Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr.’s teachings against our Sound Doctrines responded with this attack:

One of my all-time heroes of the faith. What a great man, and greatly used of God. Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Romanist Genevan Papist Calvinism, that man-exalting heresy.

Clearly this proves how heretical Baptists truly are even Reformed Baptists as Reformed and Baptist are oxymorons since Baptists were never Truly Reformed to begin with. We ask you this Discernmentalists—did you make a decision by exercise of Free Will to become a Calvinist or be a disciple of the Pure Doctrines of Grace and if so we would like to know when and at what time? Also did you freely choose to be Calvinist either by reading TULIP into the Bible apart from a prior reading of Calvin’s Institutes of the Christian Religion or hearsay from others or by making a “decision” to believe the Pure Doctrines of Grace after hearing a Calvinistic sermon preached? See how errant Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr.’s teachings against our Sound Doctrines are—We Know because  we told you so.

P. S. On a serious note we recommend these excellent resources on Calvin and Calvinism: The Many Faces of John CalvinThe Unaccommodated Calvin: Studies in the Foundation of a Theological Tradition , http://www.pcusa.org/today/index.htm, Elected to What ?!, How Meeting Real Christians from Different Traditions Makes a Real Difference and What is ‘Oasis’?.

<!–. 1″>  pgs.


February 12, 2010

Things ye apostates have to look forward to as ye burn:

Issues you may encounter in hell as a(n)…

Aspie: Everyone will think you are rainman and speak to you in a slow patronising monotone. Everybody donates half their savings to autism speaks, and small specific interests about useless information are banned.

Athiest: You’re forced to attend Church and Temple every Friday and Sunday and read the Bible, Torah, and Qu’ran. Charles Darwin admits that evolution is a farce and Christians constantly say, “We told you so!” while you are being forced to have butt sex with squirrle monkeys and mutan retard fish babies.

American: Everyone constantly thinks you are an idiot. Every other week your gay Americans are forced to live in Harlem and your straight Americans are forced to live in San Fransisco, the other weeks you are all living in Europe where there is NO ICE IN YOUR DRINKS!!! You are also forced to eat British food (Ech!). You must also watch snakes on a plane over and over and over. There are also no forks, spoons, or knives in Hell, so you are forced to eat with chopsticks.

You finally understand…

Black American: Kanye West is now your spokesman, and you are snatched from your home, put onto a tiny ship with thousands of other people, (many of them dead) it smells really bad, you are fed %^&%^ foods, and you end up in a terrible place where you are forced to work for mean people 24/7, and you constantly get whipped/hurt/raped really badly. Barack Obama gets overthrown by the KKK and is lynched.

Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the $%^^&$% flavour sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut! General lack of large meaty animals. Women are in abundance.

Austrian: Adolf Hitler is Chancellor. The only beverage is Austrian white wine.

Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.

Brazilian: Everyone thinks you are a wild, tropical animal.

British: Irish terrorists set off bombs in dustbins all the time, you are forced to repeatedly write out your life story… using American spelling. Bitter is banned, only lager is allowed to be sold in bars and pubs. Everyone makes comments about how terrible the British weather is. Roadsigns are in neither English nor Welsh but are written in Arabic and Hindi. The dress code is tartan, you are made to end every sentence with “och”, “ach” or “aye.”

Bulgarian: Everyone thinks you are Soviets.

Canadian: America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American. Hell administration doesn’t have Canada in their list, so you have to be listed as American, and your Hell ID says that you are an American. French Canadian: Nothing is printed in your language, Frenchie.

Chinese: Everything asks you if you are Japanese. The world undergoes a global rice famine.

Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.

Cuban: Fidel Castro is immortal and you can’t take a raft across the ocean of hot lava for asylum.

Danish: Americans think you’re edible and your forced to dance in original folk costume for eternity.

Dominican: People think you are Puerto Rican and beat you with pipes.

Dutch: Beer is nowhere to be found. Drugs, cigarettes, coffee shops, coffee, smart shops, smart coffee shops, cats, glade brand aerosol air fresheners, cough syrup, prostitutes, severe head injuries, and hairs from Dick Cheney’s anus are strictly forbidden under penalty of catapult. Thus, the GDP of Amsterdam’s beloved red light district is reduced by 1,000,000,000,000,000%. Windmills fall into disrepair. Spoiled European, North American, and Asian teenagers resort to finding themselves by cutting open their own chest cavities with a rusty chainsaw.

Emo: Twilight is non-existant, Hot Topic is out of business and Goth kids constantly mock you.

Femminist: Men completely rule everything. You are forced to work, tend to, and wait hand and foot on every man. Femminist literature is non existant and you have ‘PROPERTY OF MEN’ tattoed on your forehead.

Filipino: All cellphone coverage will be destroyed. You will have no cellphone signal whatsoever. All cellphones will be in possession of the government. There will be no more social networking and photo sharing sites, and all instant messaging platforms are gone, which means you cannot excessively whore yourself in front of the Internet anymore when you look like the end of your grandmother’s asshole. Basketball is now banned and playing it will result in heavy lynching. McDonalds and Jollibee are gone. All K-Pop songs and all Koreans in television are dead. You finally realize you will never be as good as them. Lady GaGa finally admits that she is a man. Rice will be nonexistent.

Finnish: Everybody mistakes you for a Swede. All Americans believe Finland is a former Soviet republic. Your mother’s pimp is from Somalia.

French: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity. Every second day your face is painted and you lose the ability to speak.

German: Everyone around you will make comments about World War II and you will be force fed American coffee.

Goth: Everyone thinks your Emo and the only music that plays is My Chemical Romance and Taylor Swift.

Greek: Everyone thinks you are Turkish. Everyone asks you about Plato, Alexander the Great, Aristotle, Pythagoras, etc.

Homosexual: Men: Gay marriage is illegal everywhere and you can only become “Butt Buddies” and you have to watch football for eternity. Women: Flannel shirts and Doc Martins are outlawed, your forced to wear skirts and heels and everyone calls you ‘Sir’.

Icelandic: You are forced to watch “Lazytown” for eternity.

Irish: The only thing you can say to everyone is “Top of the morning to you!” in a bad Irish accent and you will be forced to sit outside the pub, looking in at the crowd and to top it all, the British rule the whole of Ireland again.

Indian:You will have to submit to every whim of the British,eat their salt(and spit),and talk about only violence,mentioning Mahatma Gandhi in every sentence.

Israeli: The hummus is all imported from the US but the beer is still Israeli. AIPAC occasionally questions your actions. While there is a bus available to leave, it is always Saturday and the Orthodox are in charge of transportation.

Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald’s. The padrone says you have to kill your son. Venice completely sinks into the ocean of lava.

Japanese: You walk into a store to find out that all of the manga has been replaced with D.C and Marvel Comics and the anime has been switched with Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and SpongeBob. Toyota, Honda, and Mutsubishi go out of business.

Jewish: Bagels are only available with butter, the only thing on TV is Mel Gibson’s “The Passion” and you will be constantly approached by the most beautiful models, only to watch them all leave after your mother disapproves of them.

Klansmen: No white people, no Christians and everyone is gay, black, and Jewish. The price of white cloth is sky rocketing. Intelligence is much in demand. Your cousin Laura Lee is not here.

Liberal: Everyone drives Hummers and SUV’s, abortion is outlawed and your forced to eat fast food and are forced into slavery by The Man.

Luxembourgan: Everyone thinks you are short and stabs you in the eye with a hot poker. (the real average height of a Luxembourgan male is 5 foot 9 just for your information)

Mexican: H1N1 is renamed “Mexican Flu” by the World Health Organization. The United States finally builds a wall, and Catholics become an oppressed minority.

Mormon: Everyone isn’t dressed up to sell those books of Mormon, also lots of coffee drinking, women not wearing dresses that end below the knee and children swearing like young male sailors running about.

Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish. All of the world’s oil disappears from the Middle East and reappears in America, Britain, and Italy. People start to question whether a religion of over a billion people can really be the victim of that much oppression.

North Korean (Normal people): Like Zimbabweans, they already live in Hell and can only go to heaven. (Kim-il Sung): Your country is successfully invaded by America. It becomes an American colony, your government is replaced by Capitalism and Democracy, and you are publicly humiliated by the American army in front of all your people, showing them you are not an omnipotent god after all.

Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking. You are a Swede. Euronymous is your leader.

Pakistani: You will either be sent back to Pakistan (peace be upon you) or to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for no reason.

Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli and there will be no rocks or cameras should you try to fight them.

Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.

Portuguese: People constantly think you’re Spanish.

Preppy: Clothes only come in black latex and chains. Everyone calls you lame and the only movie you can watch is Hellraiser and the only music is Marilyin Manson.

Romanian: What? This is heaven for them. Unless you’re a Gypsy.

Russian: You must watch as your country is conquered. By France.

San Marinonese: Hell is like heaven to them. They think you have a castle.

Saudi Arabian (Men): You strap a bomb to your chest and blow yourself up, only to find that you don’t get virgins for your sacrifice; only grapes (Women): Already in Hell; they get a one-way ticket to heaven.

Serbian: No room for the Serbian people, all those Croatians, Slovenians, Bosnian Muslims, Macedonians, Kosovars, Montenegrins and Vojvodinan Hungarians have taken up all the room for people from the former Yugoslavia, Serbs get a one-way ticket to heaven.

Slavic: Everyone asks you about Dracula and Werewolves and all literature and film is replaced with Twilight.

South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.

South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.

Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, Capitalism runs YOU!

Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country run their own country and your government.

Sweden: Everyone thinks you’re blonde and like to eat meatballs and lutefisk. Somebody stole your walking helmet.

Swiss: You are constantly harassed by American comparing you to swiss cheese. Switzerland enters a war, loses miserably, and Geneva is destroyed in the process.

Turkish: Everyone you meet will be Kurdish or Greek.

Vatican: You are repeatedly artificially inseminated, only for the fetus to be aborted.

Vietnamese: Your country is still a colony of France and America repeatedly invades Vietnam to help the French suppress the communist uprisings. They always win.

Zimbabwean: (Normal People), Like North Koreans, they are already in hell, so they can only go to heaven. (Robert Mugabe): All farms are returned to people who can farm them, a British person walks alive through Harare, and the Zimbabwe Dollar becomes worth something.

Metal head: The only music available is pop and rap. You are forced to listen to the repitition forever.

Gangstas: The only music available is metal, no drugs are available, fire-arms don’t exist, and everyone around you is racist.

Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor’s waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized, your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and after two terms of record approval ratings Barack Obama hands over the reins of power to President Al Franken. People will also start asking you to clearly define the word, “socialism.” Personal ownership of guns is also completely relinquished.

Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories, cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed, all Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools and while you actually control 80% of both houses of Congress all your legislation and Supreme Court nominations fail. After Barack Obama gives up and returns to his native Kenya, President Joe Biden decides to give daily press conferences himself without relying on a teleprompter.

Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked “No Redeeming Value” AND you are unable to edit them! You can write your own articles, but there is a mandatory minimum of ten references in MLA format.

Counteract Brian McLaren’s New Book By Buying Ours Instead

January 27, 2010

Brian McLaren’s worthless book:

Our Book—Priceless:

Just like we were not happy with Brian McLaren’s book A Generous Orthodoxy….we are not happy with his new  book either….eventhough it is yet released….We Know it is full of heresy especially because we are a discernmentalist ministry and stand for true Absolute biblical truth. This is why we’ve gotten John MacArthur and Todd Friel to write our version of  his new book before it even comes out after using Eric Barger’s time machine to spot all the heresy in Brian’s book .

Also, you may have heard of this phrase from the Reformation: “Ecclesia reformata semper reformanda—The Church should be reformed and always reforming.” Well using Eric Barger’s time machine again—we’ve found that  none of the Reformers said that. This is why we must oppose Brian’s new book with a Holy Angry Passion as those Emergents are always trying to reform our Absolute Truth, our Pure Churches and our Pure Doctrines. We also believe that Reformed Emergent/Emerging House Churches do not exist. Reformed  and Emergent  are oxymorons as Ken Silva teaches therefore there are no such creatures as Reformed Emergents because Ken Silva is always right. This is always why we stand by our reformatted Reformation motto: “Semper 1600’s—Always 1600’s always”—that’s right because we’ve discovered all the Truth we need to know about God in the 1600’s. There is nothing else about God that needs to be revealed to us—the Reformers and the King James Bible revealed everything about God to us—so we must always stay in the 1600’s and think like they did in the 1600’s as well.

Dr. Don Jobson, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. I. Todyaso—Sola 1600’s (1600’s alone).

%d bloggers like this: