June 1, 2019
Possibly KJV ONLY Bigfoot? (Pictured)
Direct and in from our ever truth seeking robot research monkey’s is the following from South Heights Baptist Church of Sapulpa statement of beliefs.
The first two statements of faith: 1) That the Bible is the inspired, infallible, inerrant Word of God, and that it is our only rule of faith and practice. and 2) That
the 1769 Blayney revision of the AV1611 King James Version of the Bible is God’s preserved Word for English-speaking people.
We also endorse these statements since things like the Bible take precedence over persons like Jesus our Risen Lord. Moreover, we think that the AV1611 King James Bible is the purest form of the Bible, falling from the sky entirely preserved as is and more superior to other bibles and without a single revision.
The KJB is so perfect and so Holy that it didn’t need a translator as it’s obscure language is easily understood via Bible-Osmosis.
Even Bigfoot agrees as after he got saved by reading The Truth War—he began speaking in a tongue that no modern hearer understands yet we have reason to believe he understood.
Truthslayer guarding our Bible with Shakesperian speech
May 21, 2019
Counting our money like a Boss!
THE REASON WE LOVE CEOS
We discernmentalists approve of the capitalist ways because what is capitalist is biblical, and what is biblical is capitalist. Therefore, we approve of cost cutting measures that undercut the lowest paid workers to sustain those at the top. Moreover, this is to ensure that CEOs, Publishers, VPs, and Vice Presidents can continue making 10-100 times more money than the lowest paid ones.
Finally, we also encourage large corporations to outsource jobs. We concur that (like you) we don’t care about sustaining local economies. We only care about the bottom line and sustaining those who are in positions of power and privilege. It does not matter that an unemployed worker may now be a drain on the local economy due to his newly found lack of buying power. We are only glad that that VP etc can buy her new Porsche and still afford that nice cottage in the summer.
Keep the status quo!
May 17, 2019
Photo from Mrs. Jobson’s old college textbook— LINK
Ray Comfort (Awesome) Hell’s Best Kept Secret warns that the Vatican is spiritually terrorizing innocent Bible-Believers with pornographic art. Quote: “It’s dishonest to steal God’s ideas and say they came from nothing. Especially if one is going to paint or sculpt nude figures that might cause others to lust in their heart. Michelangelo’s Statue of David is obscene because its essentially pornographic as well as the Sistine Chapel.” Ray (Awesome)’s original quote on this from his Comfort Blog (Awesome) has been raptured into an atheist black hole so we pressed him to make a new statement on this—while working on our version of that sinful Arthur episode.
Thankfully Mrs. Jobson’s old college textbook on artwork censors all those smutty pics and sculptures so our house is lust-free. That reminds me of a funny story from when our son little Calvin was 8… we always read from the Old Testament for bed time stories to put our children to sleep… so he knows to stay clear of idolatry…. *chuckle*…Anyways Calvin was playing outside when he caught a glimpse of our apostate neighbor’s statue of a little girl and little boy kissing so he got it in his head and he smashed it….heh heh. Our son the Little Iconoclast!
On a related note Ray (Awesome) wanted us to plug his Awesome Bible-based art (Awesome):
May 16, 2019
“Be not carried about with divers and strange doctrines. For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace; not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein.”—Hebrews 13:9 (KJV AV1611)
The Mighty Phil Johnson of Hugh Jass Ministries warns that shark-lovers the world over are possibly theologically suspect as being complicit in the Pelagic Captivity of the Church. Many Pelagic shark divers* may be secretly hiding behind your church’s pulpit holding the Truth hostage by teaching the heresy that God is love and that God loves the whole world. Phil began to suspect one shark diver who visited
no Grace Community Church of spiritual terrorism when said diver began teaching divers’ doctrines and Armenian mathematics such as 2 + 2 always equaling 4 rather than the Biblically correct answer from our Reformed mathematics textbooks that 2 + 2 mostly equals 10. Soon the shark diver began babbling in tongues in what appeared to be Pornographic Divination.
Quote Hugh Jass on the incident when said diver began babbling Charismatic Chaos: “I had a vision of Mickey Mouse jumping over a shark…. and I thought Shark Week was over.” Alarming Phil’s Mighty shark-fighting senses—Phil (in a fit of Semi-Donatism)** began to punch this diver in the nose with Doctrine from the Pope of all Truth’s Mighty book fighting for Certainty in an Age of Deception. Phil rebuked that Semi-Pelagic heretic: “You can’t be from Saint Augustine with your impure Doctrines…you must be from Rome. Only we are True Christians semi-Pelagic reprobate.”—forgetting for a moment that Phil’s Doctrines also come from Rome. Phil’s overlord the Great Pastor-Teacher of Grace to You=Condemnation to you fame John MacArthur (PBUH) commended Phil for preaching the True Gospel of the Ways of the Master himself’s Truth War.
We however move that we hold these Pelagic beasts captive so that the church is no longer captive to their errors such as their heretical divers’ doctrines. We also believe Phil has a Hugh Jass case of Selachophobia.
*- Phil’s depiction of that semi-Pelagic diver
**- From 393 on, Augustine took the offensive against the Donatist church. His contempt for them was obvious: “The clouds roll with thunder, that the house of the Lord shall be built throughout the earth; and these frogs sit in their marsh and croak ‘We are the only Christians’!”