“14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.”—II Chronicles 7:14 (which is totally about America and not the Israel at the time that verse was written).
My fellow co-laborers in our Truth War—we’re still under attack by Taylor Swift. This time because some high schoolers (not our own) started a bible study using Taylor Swift lyrics. We mustn’t let this abomination stand. 1) Because they might mistake Taylor Swift’s lyrics for God’s Word instead of the Mayflower Compact; The United States Constitution; Declaration of Independence; Articles of Confederation; and other essential documents important to America’s founding as the Pure Doctrines from our American Patriot Bibles plainly teach. 2) It makes their bible study “The Church of Taylor Swift” instead of the Church of TRUMP as God’s will clearly proclaims. 3) What’s next? They may blasphemously mistake Taylor Swift for Jesus instead of TRUMP–heresy as our prophets have prophesized: TRUMP is the Son of Man: the Christ. 4) Worst of all they may begin to believe Sola Scriptura; Sola Gratia; Sola Fidei; Sola Christus; and Soli Deo Gloria along with the Wesleyan Quadrilateral (Scriptures; Tradition; Reason; Experience)—-instead of SOLA TRUMPUS; AMERICA FIRST; ignorant fear-mongering; lunacy and crackpot conspiracy theories and that’s just appalling. Simply appalling!!!
To those high schoolers (not our own)—-we say repent. We also say repent everyone but us and turn back to our American Gospel. On a related note—next week our women’s group: Christian Moms Against Fictional Allegories Teaching Christian Principles And Mysticism 4 Liberty will be using John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress for their bible study. It should be a hoot!
Make America Great Again Again by protecting the children through fear and self-righteousness,
Amos Thugger arrested on charges of causing Covid related abortions
Ameicanstan (near future)- a group of pro-life anti-mask/anti-vaxxers including Amos Thugger were arrested today on charges of being accessories to the crime of involuntary abortion aka miscarriage. The police explain that this was necessary because the current understanding of post-Roe rulings is that bodily autonomy is no longer legally protected so therefore refusal to wear a mask and/or get vaxxed during a pandemic is now a crime. Even more so now that refusing to wear a mask and/or get vaxxed has been deemed being abortifacient vis-a-vis causing the spread of Covid-19 thereby causing involuntary abortions aka miscarriage. Under post-Roe readings of the law, miscarriages have now been deemed illegal to save the Justice System the hassle of determining whether an abortion is involuntary (miscarriage) or voluntary—and anything or anyone that causes an involuntary abortion (miscarriage) is deemed the instrument of the crime/accessory to the crime. Police were able to trace a direct link to “maskless” and “unvaccinated” Amos causing a 10 yr old girl (his niece) that he raped to miscarry after contracting Covid-19 using medical records. Amos is expected to serve a 5 yr prison sentence followed by community service—his 10 yr. old niece is now on Death Row on the charge of murder.
The Bible is CLEAR! Here is a list which proves this:
one can make a biblical case for just about anything. even amongst conservative theologians, there is widespread disagreement on many topics.
like all christians, you pick and choose what you deem ‘biblical’.
are the only people to make it to heaven those who have the right list of all the right ‘biblicals’, and only the right ‘biblicals’? (heaven will be lonely indeed!)
is there only one biblical / one right answer to everything? like a kind of death-defying ‘biblical’ gauntlet we’re required to run?
what happens if you have all the right answers, except for one ‘unbiblical’ one? is it that the sky will fall? is that God will suddenly be mad at you? is it that your name will be erased from the Lamb’s Book of Life?what’s the limit on ‘unbiblicals’ before one starts feeling the heat and smelling the sulfur of hell?
what would happen if you let this one go and welcomed women speakers in the same way you welcome men speakers and let your life be enriched by it all?
very curious. what would happen? (aside from being enriched, that is)
Getting back to Chick-Fil-A—lest we forget as my esteemed colleague and ever-Discernmentalizing co-Truth-Warrior in the truthiness of John MacArthur’s Truth War (PBUI)Dr. Pastor-Teacher I. Todyaso has reminded me that there are other restaurants among us compromising our Discernmentalist values. We mustn’t stop with just our campaign to re-sanctify and re-Christianize chicken restaurants when unbiblical seafood restaurants are allowed to exist. If these restaurants continue to align with dark forces that go against our Doctrines and compromise their stand by caving in to bullies—we Discernmentalist Christians will stop supporting them and they will die out. That’s why:
We must rally all our fellow Discernmentalists and Truth Warriors to bring all of God’s law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join us in the crusade against Long John Silver’s and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye’s shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.
The labourers come from Thailand’s much poorer neighbours Myanmar and Cambodia. Brokers illegally charge them fees to get jobs, trapping them into working on fishing vessels and at ports, mills and seafood farms in Thailand to pay back more money than they can ever earn.
“Sometimes, the net is too heavy and workers get pulled into the water and just disappear. When someone dies, he gets thrown into the water,” one Burmese worker told the non-profit organization Verité commissioned by Nestle.
“I have been working on this boat for 10 years. I have no savings. I am barely surviving,” said another. “Life is very difficult here.”
Update #2: Unbiblical seafood restaurant implicated in drug trafficking.
We being good Bible-Believing Internet Discernmentalists believe Solo Scriptura and teach the whole Bible and only appeal to the whole Bible and no other sources nor let culture interpret the Bible as we appeal to our heroes who appeal to John Calvin (a source outside the Bible) who appealed to Saint Augustine (a Roman Catholic apostate and another source outside the Bible) and also secular/pagan philosophies such as neo-Platonic dualistic rationalism and an epistemology of Aristotelian logic (more sources outside the Bible) to bring you our important teachings on Sound Bible Doctrines.
John Calvin quoted Cicero constantly. The Puritans regularly appealed to both reason and nature as support for their Calvinism. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard a Calvinist talk about “the freedom of God.” The Westminster Confession of Faith begins with describing God as the “fount of all being.”
Discernmentalists seem to be under the impression that Calvinism only comes from Scripture whereas every other theology is a collection of extra-biblical (cultural) arguments, and that’s so self-evidently false as to be literally ridiculous. EVERY theology musters up a combination of proof texts, logical extrapolations of varying quality, appeals to God’s character, etc. Calvinism has no objectively firmer grounding than Arminianism or any other school of theology. (In fact our favorite Bible-writer Saint Paul also appealed to cultural sources outside the Bible as well).
Now many Bible-ignorant heathens reject our Clear Teaching that we must follow the whole Bible and never any source outside the Bible because they’re corrupting Doctrine—but as we’ve shown it is important to follow the whole Bible and only the whole Bible without appealing to outside sources or letting culture interpret it and only we do that.
Mark 16:14-19. They will pick up snakes and drink poison without being hurt. Acts 28:1-7 clear teaching. Solo Scriptura. The whole Bible. Be real and stop your deception. Either follow the whole Bible or leave the Christian faith. I do not want a cut and paste faith. That is no faith at all.
The admonition to slaves to obey their masters (Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22.).
The ban on marriage after divorce (Mark 10:10-12, Luke 16:18 and other places).
The belief that faith protects from snake bite: (Mark 16:14-19, Luke 10:17-19, Acts 28:1-7).
The belief that epilepsy is caused by demon possession (Matthew 17:14-18).
The belief that if an uncircumcised Christian man is circumcised, Christ will be of no benefit to him (Galatians 5:2-4)
Taking Matthew 19:12 – the castration text – literally.
As these New Testament texts are more or less ignored, it becomes easier to ignore other New Testament texts that ban women from preaching.
We Discernmentalists believe in Solo Scriptura as in only our interpretation of the Bible alone as only our interpretation matters or counts for our beliefs are God’s as we follow:
Solo Scriptura. The whole Bible. Be real and stop your deception. Either follow the whole Bible or leave the Christian faith. I do not want a cut and paste faith. That is no faith at all.
However we being good Bible-Believing Conservatives and Internet Discernmentalists like our faith cut and paste as only we have license to practice a cut and paste faith using Solo Scriptura such as:
The Bible is clear: “Drink a little wine to settle thy stomach and greet each-other with a Holy kiss.”—never mind alcoholics and the drinking age being 21 nor pedophiles using the Holy kiss as an excuse to molest children—Paul said it that settles it. (Solo scriptura out of context the whole Bible)
Or our support of capitalism and voting straight ticket Republican every election despite the Bible’s Clear Teaching that usury aka making profits is an abomination
Or how we explain away the Bible’s Clear Teachings to turn the other cheek; lay down our weapons and study war no more
Or how we disagree with the Clear Teaching and Plain Language in the Bible that Christ is Really Present in the wine and bread as we believe its only symbolic: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you…” (Notice it doesn’t say this is only a symbol of my body)
Or how we believe God only loves the saved despite John 3:16 using the word κόσμος (which literally means universe) not ἐκλεκτός (Elect) nor ἐκκλησία (church/assembly)
Or how we prefer to spank our children as punishment instead of the Bible’s Clear Teaching on stoning them
Or how we believe in a Limited Atonement despite the Bible’s Clear Teaching: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (Notice it doesn’t say takes away the sin of the Elect/saved/church only)
Or how we explain away OT Laws by consigning those too HARD for us to follow as being part of a ceremonial law not a moral one despite the Bible never making any distinction between any OT Law: the Law is the Law period.
Or how we believe life begins at conception even-though the Bible’s Clear Teaching Plainly teaches that life begins at first breath
Or how we exhort our enemies to follow Romans 13 while celebrating our country whose very Founders disobeyed it by rebelling against the King of England
Or how we claim that baptism doesn’t have anything to do with salvation despite the Clear and Plain language of the Bible: “1 Peter 3:21- And baptism, which this prefigured, now saves you—not as a removal of dirt from the body, but as an appeal to God for[a] a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, ” (Solo scriptura out of context the whole Bible)
As you can see our Solo Scriptura is correct as we are inerrant—we like the parts of scripture we agree with and doesn’t disrupt our comfortable Conservative American lifestyle—and choose not to follow those that do. However everyone else else needs to follow the whole Bible or else leave the PaulicanBiblianDiscernmentalist Christian faith. (Solo scriptura out of context)
The latest threat against our Gospel of Total Depravity and the taint of Original Sin in all of Creation from the Purpose Seeker Driven Emergence Quasi-Universalist Cult of Liberal Christianity is plant worship. Yes plant worship! How dare these purpose seekers deny the Total Depravity of Creation and the stain of Original Sin in all of nature by confessing their sins in the midst of plants.
Its as if they truly believe that God is everywhere and in all things as per Romans 8:18-30 so:
Anyways we have reason to suspect Rob Bell is behind this latest threat as he already believes shaking hands with the Pope saves you so why not add praying to plants via guilt by association in the growing list of his many heresies.
We’ve already apprised you on God’s Only Inerrant Party that while he was working with us on our de-sinned Arthur episode that Ray Comfort warned us that Bibliophilesare the latest threat in the atheist assault on Bible-Believers. “If you call any other Christian on this page a ‘bibliophile’ I will ban you. I thought it was just another atheist insult, a cross between pedophile and Bible.”—Ray Comfort. Its worse than that though as our Herescopes have discovered a more sinister definition of Bibliophiles that is not an atheist insult.
Recently our Research Robot Monkey spies using our Herescopes have observed a Bibliophile in the midst of the act that fits our newly discovered definition: “a book lover (most likely atheists ie. Disney) assaulting our children with strange books or their love of books. Librarians are also suspect in this.” [This is why we’ve forbidden our wives and children from going to the library or even looking at one (even our own Discernmentalist libraries)].
“I see the world through the images of Christianity, which teaches me that I encounter God in everyone I meet regardless of what they believe.”—Alan Jones
“Since the church has been one of the main perpetrators of parental fear-mongering, it’s only fair we take up the cause of creating a culture of parenting that is less about what we don’t want for our children and more about what we do want.”—Doug Pagitt
We suspect this is part of the reason that Ray Comfort considers Bibliophile an atheist insult. We too consider it an insult after researchmentalizing this vulgar word even further which is why we had to add it to the Second Volume of our Discermentalist Dictionary. Setting the record straight we Online Discernmentalists thankfully are not—I repeat not Bibliophiles—let alone book-lovers but we do love our Bible! On a related note: we’re now offering a special sale on some of our favorite Discernmentalist books.
Books we especially love most of all:
Truth Wars: Fighting for our certainty in an age of deception (the book that stared it all)
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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