The Original Ten Commandments Recovered

Finally there’s a version of the Ten Commandments that True Discernmentalists can back…thanks to our Top Secret Agents who have been busy at work saving our Pure Bibles from Red Letter Christian bafoons who are out to destroy the Church with a Socialist False Gospel. Thankfully we have recoved the Ten Commandments from the corrupted liberal biased version which has crept into our Modern Bibles—so without further ado here are the Ten Commandments in their Pure Unadulterated Original Form:

I. “I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt have as many guns as possible before me.”

II. “Thou shalt not support socialist programs. They art evil in mine eyes. Thou shalt not believe any of that “meek inherit the earth” garbage later on! The meek should get jobs and stop living off welfare.”

III. “Thou shalt listen to Bill O’Reilly and keep him holy.”

IV. “Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they are former presidents as you will inherit the job from them later.”

V. “Thou shalt kill Muslims. Let’s face it, they art all probably terrorists anyway.”

VI. “Thou shalt not utter the word torture. It is an abomination! Thou shalt refer to it as “harsh interrogation” or “just high spirits”. Thou shalt remember that water boarding and being stripped naked in a human pyramid buildeth character, so it’s all harmless fun.”

VII. “Thou shalt not care about the environment. Believe me, I’m God and I invented it and I can tell thee that it’s completely over rated and thou wilt not miss it when it’s gone.”

VIII. “Thou shalt not lead the nation into a war with false information unless thou art really sure Halliburton will profit from it.”

IX. “Thou shalt not teach children to use condoms or let gay people marry. And while thou art at it, thou shalt teach intelligent design in schools. Show both sides of the controversy”

X. “Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s oil”

And remember Liberal Hunting Season has offically opened!

Brian McLaren Directly Assaults Discernmentalists

Discernmentalists, we are under direct attack on a daily basis. We need to rally to arms and put on the aggressive defense. Just last month Brian McLaren directly assaulted Uncle Ken Silva and Aunt Ingrid Schlueter of Slice Of  Laodicea. Ingrid was caught yelling in a headlock:

What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

which  inspired her to write this scathing critique of her ordeal:

Brian McLaren Paints Critics as Gay-Hating Bigots

by Ingrid Schlueter

Emergent author Brian McLaren doesn’t believe in a literal Second Coming of Jesus. He has problems with the penal substitutionary atonement of Jesus on the cross. A literal hell with eternal torment for those who reject Christ? Not likely. The Genesis account of the fall of man? Not true. But instead of addressing his own spiritual rebellion, Brian appears to want to paint his critics as bigots. In a recent blog post, McLaren demands that what he calls “discernment websites” (he used the quote marks) address an African country’s attempts to codify severe penalties for homosexuality into law. He seems to imply that these same “discernment ministries” would automatically support the arrest and execution of gays by Uganda.

For the record, Brian, that’s a pretty nasty strategy to use against those who point to your heretical doctrinal views. While emergents supposedly are intellectual, open-minded people who enjoy conversations with subtle nuances and lots of mystery, McLaren actually sees things in black and white. Anyone who is not willing to jettison cardinal doctrine and embrace his “new kind of Christianity” is painted as ready to commit hate crimes and would support mistreating gays. What an appallingly dishonest way to deal with your critics, McLaren.

Ken was found wounded in the fray but not hurt. We asked him for comment and all he could murmur was:

It’s interesting this “minister” would place quotations around “discernment websites.” Well, as one of said sites, I can tell McLaren that I personally do not at all “enjoy featuring and critiquing the work” of any of these postliberal rebels against the final authority of God’s Word. The Lord knows that I’d much rather go back to apologetics and evangelizing those lost in the kingdom of the cults.

Indeed this is why we must go back on the aggressive defense and never compromise on preaching the whole ‘discernmentalist’ truth to all liberal, apostate, heretics!

Are you serious?

We have been asked so many times lately “Are you serious?” so I decided to do a page dedicated to just how serious we are.

There are many blogs out there that are as serious as you take them. We are one of them. If you take Slice of Laodicea or CRN or Ken Silva’s personal website in all it’s glorious missivness, serious, then yes, you better take us even more serious. If you do not take these people serious I doubt you will take us serious so you should just hope you are regenerate and repent.

I hope that clears the rumors up about what we are all about.

I. Todyaso

Interview with a vampire (heretic)

The good people over at CRN have done it again!  Just when I thought they had exhausted their sizable reach, they turn up yet another article about Brian McLaren (heretic).  How do they do it?  Their staff must consist of literally tens of people searching through news journals, newspapers and the internet to find stories that mean something to me.  Well done CRN!

Now on to the article.  If you take the time to read it, and I mean with the discernmentalist eye, you will find heretical remarks all through Brian McLaren’s (heretic) comments.  First he says that Jesus would use a Blackberry?  Are you kidding me?  Jesus is God and God doesn’t need a puny electronic device to remember what he is going to do.  So Brian McLaren (heretic) is mocking our Lord.  Also, he says that Jesus would be concerned with the planet and homeless people.  As John MacArthur points out,

 “That salt and light are not moral influence, but gospel witness and the power of holy living. They always say well, we have to be salt and light, we have to be salt and light, have to be salt and light. Well, the imagery of Jesus in the sermon on the mount with regard to salt and light is the image of the shining forth of truth. That’s the light. And the preservative of godly living. We are light when we proclaim the light, and manifest our good works. That’s what He says. And glorify our Father who is in heaven. And we are salt when we are a preservative, because of the virtue and the godliness of our lives.”

In another place John MacArthur states it this way;

“He (Jesus) did not seek social change.”

 To quote C. H. Spurgeon Himself;

“Well, it is the tendency of the times to decry preaching, but it is “the foolishness of preaching” which is to change the world.”

 In Other words Jesus didn’t come to change the world or to worry about the homeless (paraphrase is mine).  So how can Brian McLaren (heretic) sit there and tell us to take care of the homeless.  Not only that, but he contradicts his whole emerging thought process by saying he wouldn’t give someone money, just talk to him and love him.  I thought you cared for the homeless Brian!

I will wrap this up with my views.  It is up to Ken Silva to keep this heretic’s schedule in the forefront of our minds.  I personally don’t want to go to a bookstore and run into him.  That would make me feel dirty.  And all you who know the TRUTH know that Brian McLaren (heretic) is a heretic and so he is not allowed to say anything about Jesus.  As CRN rightly points out, “he probably doesn’t even know the Lord.”  And how could you when you are more worried about the planet, the homeless, poverty, world peace and religious understanding, then pointing out other people’s sins?  This is a no-brainer people! 

I am glad God didn’t make me like them!

Dr. Seymore Spurgeon

Starbucks is an emergent church like entity

We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia see a parallel with Starbucks shutting down for three hours to re-train its employees, with the emergent/seeker movement in the church.  Starbucks feels like it is losing its way, while we know that the emergent church has already lost its way.  Starbucks is worried about the competition of McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts, while the emergent church is worried about being part of the post-modern culture.  Starbucks started serving breakfast and accommodating everyone, while the emerging church takes in everyone,  while they are still sinning. 

We here will not take three hours of to re-train, since we need no re-training.  God has given us everything we need in the form of inerrant scripture that has been validated by various people including Ken Silva, John MacArthur, and the pyro-guys.  Paul told us to pray without ceasing and that doesn’t mean to take three hours off, like the emergent church guys would do.    We will stand on the street corners and preach how everyone who hears us is a sinner, especially those who would “call” themselves Christians, for they are the worst, and we won’t take three hours off.  We will work the Way of the Master formula to perfection since it is the only approved way of evangelism and is taken straight from the approved versions of the most inerrant scriptures.  We will not take three hours off.  We have TRUTH on our side and so we can’t lose.  Let those emergent “churches” take time off to train and learn new things, let them do new sermon series, let them have Starbucks coffee in their church, and let God rain down his fire to those wolves in sheep’s clothing.  I don’t want to be anywhere around when God’s wrath comes down on those sinners, who think they are fine because they love everyone and follow Christ’s example, in the form of fire and sulfur.  Many churches will be in flames on that day and pillars of salt will litter the landscape as these “Christians” look back on their homosexually loving churches. 

We will not take three hours off because God shines his light on the defenders of his TRUTH, which could be compromised if we take three hours off.

May the peace of Christ be with you, and all who think like me.

Dr. Seymore Spurgeon

Christian Research Network goes soft on gay sin!

I hope this is not the new trend from CRN as they have been in the front line of the “Truth War” protecting God and His Truth from mere men who if we are not careful could destroy the Church as we have had it passed down to us from the great Reformers of Old!

 In this article CRN goes soft on the gay lifestyle!

Be sure to pray that this foul emergent stench is not infecting CRN. Ken Silva is one of the front men who shares my views on God’s wrath and anger.

 Spreading the joy and peace of God,

I. Todyaso