April 4, 2011
Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist
dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!
March 14, 2011
We have finally found a way to honor all the
trolls ODMs out in the WWW. Troll dolls are cute and fun to collect. Be sure to get them quick before they are gone!
Here is our special for today… the Ken Silva troll doll!
Collect them all! Pastorboy aka (name withheld by request!), and Chris Rosebrough and many others!
December 24, 2010
It’s the most Satanic time of the year. Help us out by supporting our Truth War on German Lutherans. You can continue pledging your total allegiance to us by doing this, continuing your committed support of
Bush’s illegal invasion of the Iraq war and outlawing Christmas as one of our most hallowed Discernmentalists has noted: ” Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”
And you wouldn’t want to do anything that non-Christians let alone non-Americans do. Why if you celebrate Christmas you are supporting terrorism and the terrorists. Most of all how dare anyone have fun or take pleasure and joy in anything….for fun, pleasure and joy are a sin and you know how much our God of Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred hates sin and sinners.
So this December pray that the war on Iraq continues and that more people would open their eyes and make war on Christmas. This message is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood GOIP Committee of Concerned Citizens in conjunction with Killjoy Puritan Calvinazi Church.
June 16, 2010
In an unexpected turn of events the Emerging Church is secretly merging back into Evnagelicalism using stealth morph technology originally used by Eric Bargers Take A Stand Ministries to spy on Emergents. In a recent interview, our research robot monkeys disguised as penguins interviewed a man that looked like Dan Kimball. He was reported to state the following “My secret subversive plan has been unfolding during the last ten years. Soon I will rise from the fringes (no direct reference to Dan’s fringe leather jacket), and declare myself pope mega-pastor of the evangelical world and usurp John MacArthur’s position as ultimate truth enforcer.” Our research robot monkeys were in utter shock and before Dan could execute this final, evil, emerging-horde plan began to pummel him with all the research robot monkey fisticuffs they could muster. Dan raised a false-Jesus-bobble head to ward off attack. Just like those emergents to do such a thing!!!
Word has it that Dan (obviously having dark supernatural powers) still plans to dismantle 10,000 emerging churches and reassemble them without notice in evangelical churches (ie like the movie Transformer). We also believe that Dan may be an illegal immigrant….who slipped in from Canada.
We are scared.
Truthslayer (note that during the attack our robots de-cloaked to reveal their true monkey nature – not to be mixed up with evolution)
PS Special thanks to Andrew Moir who designed this especially effective ninja robot. Without this robot no one would have been able to pummel Dan Kimball biblically