Ladies, Gentleman, and Underlings, we knew that the fallout from the Rob Bell heretical view of non-hell was going to undermine the truth of scripture and lead many astray (sorry for the lack of grammatical clarity but we are so upset over this news we can’t use punctuation properly) but never did we imagine the magnitude of the fallout. Nor did we imagine the swiftness in which the Devil was going to lead people astray. Nor did we think that our leadership would fall.
What’s the big news?
Hold on to your phylacteries, bathe in holy water, hide the eyes of the innocent, and prepare the millstones: R.C. Sproul (a.k.a second in charge [behind John McArthur PBUH] of calvinist dogma doctrine) says GOD IS IN HELL! I wish we could say that we are making this up, we wish that we could say that there was some confusion of intent, we wish that we could say wait until the book comes out but we can’t. The truth is that R.C. Sproul believes firmly that GOD IS IN HELL based on this excerpt from his upcoming book “The place of God’s Disfavor”.
The problem with hell is not simply the absence of God’s graciousness. It is the presence of God that is so difficult. God is present in hell because He is omnipresent. The psalmist declares, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there” (Ps. 139:7-8). If God is everywhere in His being, then certainly He is in hell as much as He is anywhere else. The problem, then, is what He is doing there. He’s there in His judgment. He is there in His punitive wrath. He is present in hell as the One who executes His justice on those who are there. That’s why I say that anyone who is in hell would most want God, more than anyone else, to leave.
Rob Bell says there is no Hell. R.C. Sproul says God is in Hell. What next? God is Dead? Only God knows…well…and us. After all we are discermentalists!
All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”
P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.
A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia
he was divorced and remarried *[‘which is forgivable and should be ignored unlike homosexuality (unless you are a Red-Letter Christian) as Moses allowed divorce and Paul was silent on the subject of divorce]
he grew up in The Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) a Mainline Protestant denomination in North America which split from the Churches of Christ—Obama was a member of a Church of Christ therefore he is guilty by association of being secretly a liberal Democrat and a would be Obama supporter *[this is just foolish talk since Final President Reagan was chosen by God to be a Republican Calvinist Truth Warrior from the foundation of the world]
he chose as his running mate former Texas Congressman and United Nations Ambassador George Bush therefore he secretly supported the New World Order since the United Nations is the head of the future One World Religious Government *[duh! could this be because the former False President Bush, Sr. was our spy to the evil conspiracies of the UN]
he didn’t illegally invade and bomb the former Soviet Union to take out their evil leaders by a preemptive strike when he had the chance but instead chose the liberal art of diplomacy eventhough we had evidence of their weapons of mass destruction and they were a threat to America‘s Sovereign Way of Life *[this is because the Soviets never attacked American soil—duh!]
as a Presbyterian in later life he never condemned the Roman Catholic Church Cult who in the immortal words of the GOIP Discernmentalist Sharin’ Whiplash are “struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy.” We all know that all True Christians are anti-Catholic bigots or as Todd Friel says of Presbyterians who are soft on the false religion of Roman Catholicism: “they are neither Christian nor Presbyterian.” Therefore Reagan is guilty by association of being a Semi-Pelagian Papist-enabling Tiber-swimming Romanist liberal appostate heretic on the Road back to Rome—we have photographic evidence which speaks for itself:
P. S. Calvinism isn’t based on the philosophies of the Roman Catholic Saint Augustine
*=OD Mafia editors’ retorts
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How dare they attack our Absolute Truth Doctrines! We traced the source of these attacks and counter discernmentalisms to anti-Brannon Howse Counter-Discernmentalist Sam Rima and the Beliefnet.Com blogger Terry Mattingly. We are outraged which is why we will keep up this Truth War to preserve and protect Final President Reagan’s fragile Sovereign Legacy over America—God’s Holiest and Chosen Nation—so remember WWRRD? (What Would Ronald Reagan Do?).
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Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
Posted by DJ 
itodyaso.wordpress.com 