America’s Discernmentalist Idol

After years of competing, Eric Barger’s Take a Stand Ministries, Slice of Laodicea, Christian Research Network  and Apprising Ministries are now down to the wire. In the next series of events that you will see broadcast on live TV are the following discernmentalist skills:

1)     Carefully skilled judgmentalism, disguised as discernment

2)      Self-righteous indignation, cloaked as safe guarding God’s fragile truth

3)      Name calling because it is fun and makes us feel good.

4) Capitalist apologetics:

“I offer an alternative to Haweraus’ socialism in my book “God is a Capitalist: Markets from Moses to Marx.” It’s available at Amazon. I respond to many of Haweraus’ straw men arguments against capitalism and show the histories of capitalism and socialism. Capitalism came from the Godly theologians at the University of Salamanca, Spain in the 16th century who based their economic principles on the Bible. Socialism came from French atheists in the early 19th century. Marx came later, but he was also an atheist who let at least one child starve to death because he was so lazy. The founders of socialism intended it as an anti-Christian system for saving mankind.”—Koger McRinney

The finalist contestants will be judged next week! Stay tuned!

If you aren’t worshipping Mammon then who are you worshipping?,

Truthslayer

Rob Bell outed for ‘nearly pelagian quasi-universalism’…

Our team of fearless researchers began research on the topic  of “nearly pelagian quasi-universalism” We  at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia like the idea of tainting others with “isms’ that sound dangerous, and labels that we do not understand. Therefore our team of keen truthers will continue to accuse and take anything out of context to support and further our side. Truth matters, especially Online Discernmentalist Truth. Afterall, discernmentalists realize that truth must prevail…even if it is based on distortions and fabrications.

It does not matter how the truth wars are won….just as long as we are on the winning side.

Truthslayer—are we Winning yet?

ANTIFA Bears linked to ISIS terrorize Planet of Commercials

ANTIFA-ISIS BEAR: “You should have eaten my cheese kafirs… you don’t disrespect a panda blessed with mission from Allah or his delicious goat cheese products or I’m gonna get you!”

Discernmentalists have detected a new terrorist threat by ANTIFA-linked bears connected to ISIS where a class of schoolkids have been flattened by a speeding car and a demon monkey (downloads into your soul)…and a panda (threatens Bible-believers)…don’t ask. One of these ANTIFA-linked Pandas terrorize bible-believers with unholy cheese abominations as caught by our Research Robot Monkeys. It was even reported by Discernmentalist News Networks that a bible-believing Discernmentalist home owner had an unpleasant run in with one of these monsters:

OH CRAP I’M OUT OF PANDA CHEESE “Just you know why…” LOCAL MAN FOUND DEAD INSIDE HOME. Two other people died by being stuffed with strange worldly unbiblical cheeses.

Behold these hideous ANTIFA bears in all their horrors—be warned though—you will be terrorized and you’re dreams will be haunted—you may even die from laughing yourself silly:

 

 

New Adherence (to) Truth Organization (NATO) says hit Koreans in Yemen over U.S. ties

Discernmentalist News Networks note: DUBAI (Reuters) – After Discernmentalists organized themselves into New Adherence (to) Truth Organization (NATO) ….NATO’s wing in Yemen said it carried out the suicide attack that killed heretics this month in retaliation for their country’s ties to the U.S.-led “heretic awareness week,” according to an Internet message.

South Korea, which once had the third-largest contingent of Discernmentalist soldiers in Iraq, withdrew all of them last December. On Friday, a Korean newspaper quoted a top government official as saying Seoul had decided to send about 1,000 mainly truth-engineering troops to Afghanistan in response to an unofficial U.S. request.

New Adherence (to) Truth Organization (NATO) promises to continue to use a typical American approach to worldly affairs: extrapolate the realities of our country (America) to the whole world.

John MacArthur gets honourary award!

We are proud to present Pope Dr. John MacArthur (PBUH) with the honourary award for discernmentalizing Rick Warren’s very evil book “Purpose Driven Life.” We too are against any Christian who wants to purposely follow Jesus.

We realize that there is no true gospel that explains the way John MacArthur (PBUH) thinks it should be explained.

We also realize that the true gospel must be explained in english…the only gospel approved language allowed for and by discernmentalists.

We realize that every book written by a TRUE Christian must fully explain the gospel…even if the book is about science, politics, economics, sanctification or eating a Kraft Dinner meal.

We realize that every book written by a Christian must be submitted for John MacArthur’s approval (PBUI). In fact all our blogging has been approved by John himself before being printed here on the ODMafia blog (just like Phil Johnson and his Mighty Pyromaniacs blog).

Finally, we acknowledge that the gospel is about a formula like E=MC­²….and should have complete mathematical balance.

Remember…. this is a battle for truth….after all this is a truthwar.  And because we support a modern gospel every detail must be perfect. Exactly explained, in every nuance.

Truthslayer, if I don’t say it….its not true.

Red Alert!!! We’re Under Attack…. once again by One of Our Own!

We are sad to announce that part 2 of Dr. Truthslayer’s series on When Discernment Becomes Extra Ugly  scheduled for today is postponed until further notice as once again and as always our Pure Doctrines of our most Holy most inerrant illustrious Pope of our Truth War (PBUH) have come under attack. One of our very own— Pulpit & Pen have fired off a salvo against the Online Discernmentalist Mafia community due to our recent Massives on the truth about Heresy-Hunting and defamation of characters the Reformation. Pulpit & Pen have threatened to demolish our Truth Bunker with their missives (which aren’t nearly as Pure in their Truth and Doctrine as our Massives). Thankfully though our Truth Bunker is super secret so wasn’t hit and none of us were harmed.

Quote from one of their missives in which they slander the blessed memory of our late great affectionate Uncle Pastor-Teacher who taught us everything we know about discernmentalism:

 I firmly believe that “guilt by association” (as known as the Doctrine of Godly Separation) is a Biblical concept found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, and anyone who says otherwise needs to read their Bible. However, guilt-by-association cannot be applied ad infinitum. …The late Ken Silva’s Apprising Ministries, who recommended…Justin Peters (but not) John MacArthur… Justin Peters is bad for (not) recommending John MacArthur, (but instead is) recommending Albert Mohler, who is bad for recommending (ostensibly) Rick Warren.

Everyone knows that Ken would never under any circumstances recommend Purpose-Driven Heretic Rick Warren even by guilt of association as the late Ken Silva (blessed be his memory) passed on his Clear Teachings to us which are the same as our Clear Teachings. Also Ken himself in his glorious missives taught us to use guilt by association ad infinitum and an attack on Ken’s Clear Teachings is an attack on the Clear Teachings of our Pure Doctrines of our Pope of the Truth War (PBUH) and therefore an attack on us personally. Also everyone knows that John MacArthur (PBUH) is the only True living Teacher of God’s Word who said this about Baptism which is consistent with our Clear Teachings on Baptism so he would never violate the Purity of our Doctrine of Godly Separation and associate with an infant sprinkling heretic:

We understand what believer’s baptism is from Scripture.

But there’s a world of people who don’t get it, who don’t understand it. And there are people who don’t know that it is important and who don’t think the methodology is important, or even the time when a person is baptized. There are folks who are just plain confused about baptism, what is its method, and what is its meaning, and in particular, what about the baptizing of infants, which is how you get a world full of non-Christians who have been baptized as infants.

Infant baptism is not baptism…it’s not New Testament baptism. This may surprise you, it’s nothing, it’s totally meaningless. Well you might have got emotional when you took your little child in there ‘cause you love your little child and you hope the best for him, or her. But as far as the spiritual condition of that child, it had absolutely no effect whatsoever. Infant baptism is not in the Bible, it is not New Testament baptism. And this is an uncontestable fact because when you do go in to the Bible in the New Testament and you talk about baptism and you study baptism, it is absolutely crystal clear what baptism is. The only people who are ever baptized in the New Testament are people who have come to faith in Christ. And baptism is always immersing them in water, it is never sprinkling water on their heads from a tiny little fountain.

And as everyone knows no True Truth Warrior would do anything that is not contained in the Bible as we are all Conservative  Bible-believing folks—and all Bible-believers everywhere agree with JMac’s Truth (PBUI) otherwise they are enemies of our Truth in the Truth War. Quote: “Obedience simply means to submit to what the Lord says, do what He tells you.  And what He tells you is revealed in Scripture.” This is why we ODMs always have to hide out in our Truth Bunker to keep our fragile Hard Doctrines which always need protecting purified and safe from all manners of sinfully ecumenical worldliness and hereticalness—in  fact we hide out in separate rooms in our bunker to perfect the purity of our Pure Doctrine of separation as well. Also we may only be a congregation of 3 separate people with an occasional 4th or 5th member but that just proves how much purer our Doctrine of separation is than anyone else’s as we follow the late Ken Silva’s Church Growth model of Ecumenical jihad dividing the church.

Holding all to be separated in our Doctrine,

Don Jobson

John Piper On The Southeastern Storm System

(Reuters)- In a meeting of Discernmentalists with John Piper about the storm system that ravaged areas of the Southeast this weekend, Mike Morrell quasi-Mystical Universalist Emergence Guru and his Emergent Cohort were mentioned often. In the meeting Piper said that he believes that Emergent Cohorts and Emergent Postmodern types of Christians among the South are directly responsible for all the damage caused by this storm system. He is quoted as saying: ” The storm system in the Southeast was a gentle but firm warning to Emergents and Mike Morrell’s Emergent Cohort in particular: Turn from the approval of the sin of Postmodernism. Turn from the promotion of behaviors that lead to destruction.”

Piper is under the firm conviction that the storm system was a wake-up call and a taste of God’s Wrath being poured out to punish Emergent sinners for reading Rob Bell’s new book.  Sometime during the meeting Ken Silva overheard John Piper say: “Farewell Mike Morrell!”  Along with Ken Silva, several other top Discernmentalists were among the participants of the meeting including I. Todyaso and Don Jobson of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia who have already taken issue with Morrell’s Roman Catholic leanings and Emergent theology.

Love Wins?

         

             A Blog Post by some of the Research Robot Monkeys

                          of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia:

Recently the ultra-mega sinfully ecumenical quasi-semi-Pelagian reprobated and heretical Universalist Emergent guru Rob Bell broke into the OD Mafia Headquarters. “Ho ho;” he said, “I’ve got Good News for you today…Love Wins.”

Alarmed by the disturbance our masters and heroes Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer and Dr. Don Jobson quickly withdrew their weapons. Now brandishing their bullhorns in the manner of Todd Friel—they began to shout down that vile and Wretched sinner Rob Bell. Our heroes the OD Mafia proclaimed the True Gospel—the good news of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards all those whose doctrines are impure and theology is incorrect.

All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”

P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.

            A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia

The Heart Of The Discernmentalist Gospel

Most of you are going to hell because you were not specially chosen and frozen like We God’s Truth Biblical Elect (Calvinazis) are—so quake now in mortal fear and terror at the horrors that await ye, reprobates, especially if you are Roman Catholic, Arminian, a Pentecostal tongue-babbler, Emergent, queer or even worse all of the above:

P.S. Hell is a “real place” so We’d hate to be all of you reprobates (non-Calvinazis) on the day that you die so remember We tried to lovingly warn you by the Absolute Truth of our Pure Doctrines which have saved Us from an eternity in flames.

P. P. S. This is also warning to Pastorboy aka (Name withheld upon request) to get back in line with our Pure Doctrines.

Be rapture ready….we are.

We know that UFOs are going to be used for the excuse of the rapture….since the rapture is really the heart of the gospel. “Believe the rapture and be saved.” The rapture has been a central core doctrine since the beginning and early followers would never relinquish that fact…and waited strategically almost 18 centuries to reveal the truth of end times theology thru TimLahaye books. As for back as we can remember this pure doctrine has been taught and retaught, tweaked, adjusted…but to be sure a true bible believing Christian must focus all their energy and time on tribulation and the rapture. Sensationalism, speculation & conjecture are the kinds of things St. Paul said were marks of the true church. If this topic does not consume you….you are likely a liberal, emergent, moderate or worse…a Roman Catholic.

Finally, we must be convinced that all objects we view in the sky and don’t quite understand must be demonic entities ready to seduce mankind. Even though we don’t have enough data to make sense of these things it is best to fear the worst…and rely of fear. Although it would be much easier for demons simply disguise themselves as super-hot-super-models to seduce men …instead demons have been distracted by really cool movies like 2001:A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Star Trek V. Therefore they have devised a whole sci-fi schemata to trick mankind with all sorts of smoke and mirrors and holograms. Sadly woman won’t fall for these tricky demons because they find sci-fi boring. Therefore, the demons will have to work 3 times harder to seduce them by either disguising themselves as shopping bags or demonic make-up kits.

Be warned. The Truth is out there. Be rapture ready.

Truthslayer

PS if our woman readers are offended by suggesting that they don’t like sci-fi and would rather shop we must make it plain that we believe it is biblical and woman should be busy in the kitchen (sometimes we must offend and tell the truth). Remember, we don’t make the rules, we just enforce them.