We are proud to present Pope Dr. John MacArthur (PBUH) with the honourary award for discernmentalizing Rick Warren’s very evil book “Purpose Driven Life.” We too are against any Christian who wants to purposely follow Jesus.
We realize that there is no true gospel that explains the way John MacArthur (PBUH) thinks it should be explained.
We also realize that the true gospel must be explained in english…the only gospel approved language allowed for and by discernmentalists.
We realize that every book written by a TRUE Christian must fully explain the gospel…even if the book is about science, politics, economics, sanctification or eating a Kraft Dinner meal.
We realize that every book written by a Christian must be submitted for John MacArthur’s approval (PBUI). In fact all our blogging has been approved by John himself before being printed here on the ODMafia blog (just like Phil Johnson and his Mighty Pyromaniacs blog).
Finally, we acknowledge that the gospel is about a formula like E=MC²….and should have complete mathematical balance.
Remember…. this is a battle for truth….after all this is a truthwar. And because we support a modern gospel every detail must be perfect. Exactly explained, in every nuance.
We’ve already apprised you on God’s Only Inerrant Party that while he was working with us on our de-sinned Arthur episode that Ray Comfort warned us that Bibliophilesare the latest threat in the atheist assault on Bible-Believers. “If you call any other Christian on this page a ‘bibliophile’ I will ban you. I thought it was just another atheist insult, a cross between pedophile and Bible.”—Ray Comfort. Its worse than that though as our Herescopes have discovered a more sinister definition of Bibliophiles that is not an atheist insult.
Recently our Research Robot Monkey spies using our Herescopes have observed a Bibliophile in the midst of the act that fits our newly discovered definition: “a book lover (most likely atheists ie. Disney) assaulting our children with strange books or their love of books. Librarians are also suspect in this.” [This is why we’ve forbidden our wives and children from going to the library or even looking at one (even our own Discernmentalist libraries)].
“I see the world through the images of Christianity, which teaches me that I encounter God in everyone I meet regardless of what they believe.”—Alan Jones
“Since the church has been one of the main perpetrators of parental fear-mongering, it’s only fair we take up the cause of creating a culture of parenting that is less about what we don’t want for our children and more about what we do want.”—Doug Pagitt
We suspect this is part of the reason that Ray Comfort considers Bibliophile an atheist insult. We too consider it an insult after researchmentalizing this vulgar word even further which is why we had to add it to the Second Volume of our Discermentalist Dictionary. Setting the record straight we Online Discernmentalists thankfully are not—I repeat not Bibliophiles—let alone book-lovers but we do love our Bible! On a related note: we’re now offering a special sale on some of our favorite Discernmentalist books.
Books we especially love most of all:
Truth Wars: Fighting for our certainty in an age of deception (the book that stared it all)
If a movement were of God, we should expect it to begin within the local church and work outward into the world. Social Justice, on the other hand, is entirely externally driven and is working inwardly upon the local churches. There isn’t any better reason to believe that Social Justice is not of Christ than to see that it is a movement pressing upon the local church and not a movement by the local church.
While researchers have uncovered the political motivations and corrupt cash being spent by men like James Riady and George Soros and laundered through The Gospel Coalition, most should be able to admit that it’s parachurch ministries that are driving the Social Justice Bandwagon.
Social Justice is an ideology birthed out of Critical Theory and Libertion Theology, the product of a wedding between Italian fascists and South American Jesuits, in which Marxist thought is combined with Theism to bring about political change.
I firmly believe that “guilt by association” (as known as the Doctrine of Godly Separation) is a Biblical concept found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, and anyone who says otherwise needs to read their Bible. However, guilt-by-association cannot be applied ad infinitum. …The late Ken Silva’s Apprising Ministries, who recommended…Justin Peters (but not) John MacArthur… Justin Peters is bad for (not) recommending John MacArthur, (but instead is) recommending Albert Mohler, who is bad for recommending (ostensibly) Rick Warren.
Everyone knows that Ken would never under any circumstances recommend Purpose-Driven Heretic Rick Warren even by guilt of association as the late Ken Silva (blessed be his memory) passed on his Clear Teachings to us which are the same as our Clear Teachings. Also Ken himself in his glorious missives taught us to use guilt by association ad infinitum and an attack on Ken’s Clear Teachings is an attack on the Clear Teachings of our Pure Doctrines of our Pope of the Truth War (PBUH) and therefore an attack on us personally. Also everyone knows that John MacArthur (PBUH) is the only True living Teacher of God’s Word who said this about Baptism which is consistent with our Clear Teachings on Baptism so he would never violate the Purity of our Doctrine of Godly Separation and associate with an infant sprinkling heretic:
We understand what believer’s baptism is from Scripture.
But there’s a world of people who don’t get it, who don’t understand it. And there are people who don’t know that it is important and who don’t think the methodology is important, or even the time when a person is baptized. There are folks who are just plain confused about baptism, what is its method, and what is its meaning, and in particular, what about the baptizing of infants, which is how you get a world full of non-Christians who have been baptized as infants.
Infant baptism is not baptism…it’s not New Testament baptism. This may surprise you, it’s nothing, it’s totally meaningless. Well you might have got emotional when you took your little child in there ‘cause you love your little child and you hope the best for him, or her. But as far as the spiritual condition of that child, it had absolutely no effect whatsoever. Infant baptism is not in the Bible, it is not New Testament baptism. And this is an uncontestable fact because when you do go in to the Bible in the New Testament and you talk about baptism and you study baptism, it is absolutely crystal clear what baptism is. The only people who are ever baptized in the New Testament are people who have come to faith in Christ. And baptism is always immersing them in water, it is never sprinkling water on their heads from a tiny little fountain.
And as everyone knows no True Truth Warrior would do anything that is not contained in the Bible as we are all Conservative Bible-believing folks—and all Bible-believers everywhere agree with JMac’s Truth (PBUI) otherwise they are enemies of our Truth in the Truth War. Quote: “Obedience simply means to submit to what the Lord says, do what He tells you. And what He tells you is revealed in Scripture.” This is why we ODMs always have to hide out in our Truth Bunker to keep our fragile Hard Doctrines which always need protecting purified and safe from all manners of sinfully ecumenical worldliness and hereticalness—in fact we hide out in separate rooms in our bunker to perfect the purity of our Pure Doctrine of separation as well. Also we may only be a congregation of 3 separate people with an occasional 4th or 5th member but that just proves how much purer our Doctrine of separation is than anyone else’s as we follow the late Ken Silva’s Church Growth model of Ecumenical jihaddividing the church.
John Armstrong of ACt3Online Ministries refuses to stop his scathing indictment of Online Discernment Ministries. We are outraged because we KNOW that we are under direct attack for our godly doctrines.
John quotes and twists such verses as “Proverbs 20:19 repeats this statement and then counsels “don’t hang around with chatterers” Here he is strongly DECLARING that people should not listen to Online Discernmentalist Ministries…the REMENANT, the LAST STRONG HOLD who oppose the lies of Roman Catholics and Rob Bell.
He furthers his twisted arguments in this quote “Make no mistake about the conclusion here: gossip is a sin.” and “Where you find jealousy, anger and arrogance you also find gossip, slander and selfishness, and vice versa.” WOW. Did you see how he twisted that? This is what emergent-liberals do – they twist the true word into calling mighty truth warriors gossips and sinners. He appears to insinuating that discernmentalist ministries will devolve into slander, gossip, selfishness, anger and arrogance. How dare he challenge our ministry! If we need to stretch the truth beyond recognition to prove to the world that Rick Warren is a false prophet we will do it because we are “called” to do such hard, often fractious ministry. The remnants shall not be challenged. In fact, we have turned selecting quoting into an artform. This indeed, is the final nail in any coffin: isolate quote, suggest in means “A” when it reall means “B.” This enables us to prove that our said false teacher is indeed false. If we say it – its true. And that is not slander, that is ministerial truth.
The ever watchful eye of Ken Silva spotted major heresy in the John (Grace To You = condemnation to you) MacArthur. We here at the ODMafia were shocked at the outright uncertainty our beloved Johnny Mac wrote! How can one not understand Scripture? How can one put down great Spiritual centers of learning that help up understand the Bible! Ken Silva keenly knows that to actually make a statement against Johnny Mac he might actually lose more friends (does he have any?), so hides behind his post by not taking a stand on the heresy of uncertainty that Johnny Mac is teaching! Maybe Harold Camping was right after all. If Johnny is wrong, then this is the end of the world.
– Gene Simmons of the Rock Band Kiss holds a copy of Rob Bell’s “Love Wins”
We have the scoop here before any other Discernmentalist blog on the Internet including the great and all powerful Ken Silva. Gene Simmons quote: “If you go back and check all the reviews for all the icons of today — Elvis, the Beatles and so on — they were dismissed as flashes in the pans, this is why I support Rob Bell.” Of course that unregenerate reprobate would support Rob Bell as he also is blind to the Hard Truths of the Bible. Gene is on record as calling himself Dr. Love which is proof he believes Love Wins—-also he thinks he is the god of thunder… Blasphemous!
Unfortunately, if you disagree with Bell, you’re “toxic and misguided.”
Criticizing him makes you a “Pharisee,” according to Eugene Peterson.
A commenter on the above-linked page asks the critics, “Why are you so anxious to make sure there are people in hell? The fact that you NEED Bell to be wrong and have people in hell communicates much more about yourself than either Bell or God.”
No Bible-believing Christian wants people in hell, because that isn’t what God wants.
“Do you think, asks the Sovereign Lord, that I like to see wicked people die? Of course not! I only want them to turn from their wicked ways and live.” -Ezekiel 18:23
The reason that we need to be clear about the eternal consequences of denying Christ, which are real and revealed by the Scriptures, is because that’s what is at stake.
Jesus did not die a criminal’s death and rise from the grave so that we could all feel good about ourselves, have a nice life, drive fast cars, and be rich.
Jesus did not become a man so that his sacrifice could save the world from his bipolar father.
Jesus did what he did to save our souls (from the “Real Place” that is Hell).
That is the real story. That is the real truth.
Piper is under the firm conviction that the storm system was a wake-up call and a taste of God’s Wrath being poured out to punish Emergent sinners for reading Rob Bell’s new book. Sometime during the meeting Ken Silva overheard John Piper say: “Farewell Mike Morrell!” Along with Ken Silva, several other top Discernmentalists were among the participants of the meeting including I. Todyaso and Don Jobson of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia who have already taken issue with Morrell’sRoman Catholic leanings and Emergent theology.
All Rob Bell could say was “Love Wins…Love Wins…Love Wins…” Suddenly during the chaos Brian D. “amn your soul to hell” McLaren appeared in a mystical mist of confusion and grabbed the noble crew of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia and then disappeared. We haven’t seen or heard from either Dr. I . Todyaso, Dr. Truthslayer or Dr. Don Jobson ever since—although we suspect that those symbols of all that is evil in the world Rob Bell and Brian McLaren are holding them captive. The last thing we saw was Rob Bell driving off in a van laughing and calmly proclaiming that “Love Wins.”
P. S. If you see an Ice Cream Truck disguised as a traveling ministry with “Love Wins” painted on the side, please report the sighting to your nearest local Discernmentalist church.
A. J. Research Robot Monkeys filling in for the OD Mafia
We know that UFOs are going to be used for the excuse of the rapture….since the rapture is really the heart of the gospel. “Believe the rapture and be saved.” The rapture has been a central core doctrine since the beginning and early followers would never relinquish that fact…and waited strategically almost 18 centuries to reveal the truth of end times theology thru TimLahaye books. As for back as we can remember this pure doctrine has been taught and retaught, tweaked, adjusted…but to be sure a true bible believing Christian must focus all their energy and time on tribulation and the rapture. Sensationalism, speculation & conjecture are the kinds of things St. Paul said were marks of the true church. If this topic does not consume you….you are likely a liberal, emergent, moderate or worse…a Roman Catholic.
Finally, we must be convinced that all objects we view in the sky and don’t quite understand must be demonic entities ready to seduce mankind. Even though we don’t have enough data to make sense of these things it is best to fear the worst…and rely of fear. Although it would be much easier for demons simply disguise themselves as super-hot-super-models to seduce men …instead demons have been distracted by really cool movies like 2001:A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Star Trek V. Therefore they have devised a whole sci-fi schemata to trick mankind with all sorts of smoke and mirrors and holograms. Sadly woman won’t fall for these tricky demons because they find sci-fi boring. Therefore, the demons will have to work 3 times harder to seduce them by either disguising themselves as shopping bags or demonic make-up kits.
Be warned. The Truth is out there. Be rapture ready.
Truthslayer
PS if our woman readers are offended by suggesting that they don’t like sci-fi and would rather shop we must make it plain that we believe it is biblical and woman should be busy in the kitchen (sometimes we must offend and tell the truth). Remember, we don’t make the rules, we just enforce them.
You are currently browsing the archives for the Under attack! category.
Dude! This is a satire site!
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
Posted by truthslayer 
DJ
donjobson
itodyaso
seymorespurgeon
truthslayer
Will Farel XV
itodyaso.wordpress.com 