July 2, 2010
I the mighty Truthslayer (defender of truth and all things pure) have been forced to stoop to the level of an ape to talk with a monkey. ODMafia fans, please do not shed too many tears for MY persecution, attacks and difficult questions posited by this “BIBLE MONKEY.” We are told that true truth warriors would be persecuted, EVEN martyrred for spurious and underhanded tricks by satan’s minions.
It just so happens that Bible Monkey is an avowed emergent….and we know that all emergents act, smell, talk and think the same way. That is why I know that Bible Monkey is another way of saying that he supports evolution. That’s right folks…Bible Monkey has stooped to an all time low and is secretly trying to bring evolution into the church (ie sinister plot uncovered and exposed). In these last days we are told that evildoers would come into the church and introduce bible monkeys and social justice.
We need to TAKE A STAND and fight back. Contact every mighty truth warrior ministry (Brannon Howse, Apprising, Take A Stand, Slice of Laodicea, Herescope, Discerning The World and more) today and let them know the truth. Get the word out! We need to stop this menace before it gets any worse!
It is possible that Bible Monkey may also be a Democrat (you heard it here first).
PS I have no doubt that John Armstrong, Rob Bell and NT Wright likely support this heretical horde. Also note that we will have a DVD out next week to expose the evil plot against the church.
June 18, 2010
Trigger warning: A creepy, old, male theologian talks about oral sex while repeatedly using words like “copulation,” “genitals,” and “breasts.”
With all this talk about a gay cartoon rat-agenda I’ve been hearing from Don I needed to bring out this PSA from our past to you from us with new commentaries:
This PSA brought to you by the letters J & P and the #1 as we’re #1 in our Absolute Certainty of our Absolute Biblical Truth ah… ah… ah…
(John) Piper (just like us) accepts
penile penal substitution as gospel and cannot navigate a casual conversation without picking tulips. (Our many enemies) find much of his theology (and ours) to be suspect at best and abominable at worst, but (they are) especially concerned by his (and our) low view of women, whom he thinks should ideally adopt a subservient role in society, not only within their own marriages and churches. He has also stated he thinks wives should endure spousal abuse for a season, for instance, if her husband merely “smacks her around one night.” (By the way, the #MeToo movement came after Paige “Fried Chicken” Patterson recently for similar abhorrent remarks. When is it coming for John Piper?!?) (Anyways) Piper also likes to field questions from his adoring fans, often about sex, which are usually about exciting and fun as listening to your grandfather talking about the subject. If you don’t know anything about John Piper, this video will help. Bring your own vomit bag.
Anyways this is why we must absolutely forbid the appearance of gayness even by straight couples as gayness is an abomination—so remember all we told you…why…because…
May 29, 2010
I just heard a sermon that suggests that when someone hates you are are to assess your own life first! In other words remove the plank before splinters. Be humble in your disposition, apologize if possible. This some how seems off or anti-discernmentalist and therefore anti-biblical….what do you think?
Jeff, New Jersey
Do not listen to this pastor/church any longer! If you are a discernmentalist (a true bible believing one) you MUST assume that you are right all the time. Remove the splinters of your enemy (not your own plank – because assuredly you don’t have any). Make sure that when you a removing the heresy from your enemy you slander him and call him names. Make sure that he is wounded enough that he will not retaliate. To keep him down spread rumours about him on the internet (make sure you make little attempt at fact checking). Indeed, don’t delve too deeply in articulating your opponents beliefs, simply attack them (especially if you don’t understand them). When it comes to being on the side of truth, you don’t have to act rightly…. just attack your opponent. Remember the words of our gospels “Bless those ONLY on the side of our pure truth, curse everyone else….”
Keep up the true discernmentalist!
May 11, 2010
We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:
The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.
We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.
Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:
This is literally Jesus:
This also is literally Jesus:
And here is something else that is literally Jesus:
Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!