July 2, 2010
I the mighty Truthslayer (defender of truth and all things pure) have been forced to stoop to the level of an ape to talk with a monkey. ODMafia fans, please do not shed too many tears for MY persecution, attacks and difficult questions posited by this “BIBLE MONKEY.” We are told that true truth warriors would be persecuted, EVEN martyrred for spurious and underhanded tricks by satan’s minions.
It just so happens that Bible Monkey is an avowed emergent….and we know that all emergents act, smell, talk and think the same way. That is why I know that Bible Monkey is another way of saying that he supports evolution. That’s right folks…Bible Monkey has stooped to an all time low and is secretly trying to bring evolution into the church (ie sinister plot uncovered and exposed). In these last days we are told that evildoers would come into the church and introduce bible monkeys and social justice.
We need to TAKE A STAND and fight back. Contact every mighty truth warrior ministry (Brannon Howse, Apprising, Take A Stand, Slice of Laodicea, Herescope, Discerning The World and more) today and let them know the truth. Get the word out! We need to stop this menace before it gets any worse!
It is possible that Bible Monkey may also be a Democrat (you heard it here first).
PS I have no doubt that John Armstrong, Rob Bell and NT Wright likely support this heretical horde. Also note that we will have a DVD out next week to expose the evil plot against the church.
June 18, 2010
Trigger warning: A creepy, old, male theologian talks about oral sex while repeatedly using words like “copulation,” “genitals,” and “breasts.”
With all this talk about a gay cartoon rat-agenda I’ve been hearing from Don I needed to bring out this PSA from our past to you from us with new commentaries:
This PSA brought to you by the letters J & P and the #1 as we’re #1 in our Absolute Certainty of our Absolute Biblical Truth ah… ah… ah…
(John) Piper (just like us) accepts
penile penal substitution as gospel and cannot navigate a casual conversation without picking tulips. (Our many enemies) find much of his theology (and ours) to be suspect at best and abominable at worst, but (they are) especially concerned by his (and our) low view of women, whom he thinks should ideally adopt a subservient role in society, not only within their own marriages and churches. He has also stated he thinks wives should endure spousal abuse for a season, for instance, if her husband merely “smacks her around one night.” (By the way, the #MeToo movement came after Paige “Fried Chicken” Patterson recently for similar abhorrent remarks. When is it coming for John Piper?!?) (Anyways) Piper also likes to field questions from his adoring fans, often about sex, which are usually about exciting and fun as listening to your grandfather talking about the subject. If you don’t know anything about John Piper, this video will help. Bring your own vomit bag.
Anyways this is why we must absolutely forbid the appearance of gayness even by straight couples as gayness is an abomination—so remember all we told you…why…because…