Take A Stand Ministries demonstrates “Truth Stretching….”

Every truth warrior knows that the first casualty in war is the truth. Of course the first casualty in a truth war to protect the truth is the truth. In order to protect the truth we need to spin, doctor, alter, change the truth because as all truth warriors know….truth falters, it is weak, and cannot defend itself on its own terms. We need to define truth at all times as absolute, and certain. We need platonic dualism (Driven by his desire to find an absolute certainty on which to base the search for knowledge) to defend truth. That is why Take A Stand Ministries is a master at truth stretching….actually this is quote similar to Discerning The Worlds “STRETCH TECHNOLOGY.” Nevertheless, ODMafia is fully behind this sort of discernmentalism.

Truthslayer….safeguarding the truth by spinning missives.

Pray To A Plant: Get Saved!

The latest threat against our Gospel of Total Depravity and the taint of Original Sin in all of Creation from the Purpose Seeker Driven Emergence Quasi-Universalist Cult of Liberal Christianity is plant worship. Yes plant worship! How dare these purpose seekers deny the Total Depravity of Creation and the stain of Original Sin in all of nature by confessing their sins in the midst of plants.

Its as if they truly believe that God is everywhere and in all things as per Romans 8:18-30 so:

If we don’t want our churches turning into prayer-halls to shrubs and plants; if we don’t want our children crafting idols out of creation, then we need to make sure that our Bible Colleges have suitable gardeners who are using the right tools. There is only one seed God gives, that is his word as found in the explanations and study notes of  John MacArthur’s Study Bible (PBUI). There is only one seed which produces life, that is bearing mental assent to the Gospel of Calvinistic Soteriology perfectly articulated and accurately proclaimed fully in all of it’s illustrious and glorious points as professed and ascribed by our Pope John MacArthur (PBUH).

Besides that the only idol worthy of our church sanctuaries is the American flag—Sola Gloria to our military might! We should daily be confessing our sins of lapsed Patriotism by tearfully placing our hands upon our hearts and pledging allegiance to our Holy Flag—and mightily thanking our soldiers for invading other people’s countries and defending our freedom to worship.

Anyways we have reason to suspect Rob Bell is behind this latest threat as he already believes shaking hands with the Pope saves you so why not add praying to plants via guilt by association in the growing list of his many heresies.

Now Offering Our All New Apoolajetix Course!

Pomotivator from the once mighty Hugh Jass Spurgeon site of Phil Johnson—now gone just like his Hugh Jass though he still is a Hugh Jass every now and then. *

 

Reliving our glory days of the Truth War—Dr. I. Todyaso is proud to introduce our newest old course on apologetics aka Apoolajetix to help aid new and future Truth Warriors/Discernmentalists in their Researchmentalism in the defense of our fragile Pure Doctrines that are always under attack and in need of being defended by us:

Pooling together our ignorance from around the web via Eric Barger’s Bible-Based Satellite System (BS) and Stretch Technology we can find the Answers In Genesis to all the problems we need to Take A Stand on with our Pulpit & Pen. Helping us Slice any truth to fit our narrative in our Battle 4 Truth that we’ve already presupposed to be true and need to be Apprising everyone of.  We must Stand Up For our The Truth and always be Defending (and) Contending for this truth using our Christian Research Network of True Bible Believers —who help spread our Doctrines via Lighthouse Trails and our seminars at Wordview Weekend through the administration of our annual Worldview Tests/Checkups.

We need to be Pyromaniacs for our truth but without Charisma just like any real Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry —we should follow the Way Of The Master that leads to Living Waters like Ray Comfort Hell’s Best Kept Secret instead of doing real research as real research leads to unWretched ideas. One of these ideas is forming a Gospel Coalition around Social Justice and social issues like ending hunger and poverty alleviation —pure blasphemy as the only real social issue that one Desiring God should care about is that we Abolish Human Abortion  just like our Angry Sovereign God desires.

This will help us be Rapture Ready—for Jesus Is Savior of the American Vision of Gary North and Thomas DiLorenzo which is the same as ours and helps us to Act for America by our Stand With Israel and being WallBuilders to protect our beliefs from the same government that we use to spread our Doctrines. Also remember to only get your news from Fox News; Breitbart; World Net Daily or any other Conservative approved (except for Libertarian) news source and remember to listen to Rush Limbaugh; Info Wars and Michael Savage on the radio everyday and like Eric Metaxas and Dinesh D’Souza read our Most Biblical and Godly President’s Tweets everyday as well in order to keep our Doctrines as Pure as the Puritan Hard Drive for we all know that we discernmentalists are really the Alpha & Omega of our own truth.

However you should never under any circumstances go to sites such as Scott McKnight’s; Warren Throckmorton’s;  David Gushee’s or Christ And Pop Culture nor any other site that discernmentalists have Quall(ed)Out and disapproved of as that might lead to the Bible Gateway into biblical scholarship  or worse you  may discover Catholic Answers instead of ones approved by us—besides everyone knows we discermentalists like to avoid the Bible especially Act(s)3 as much as possible whenever a Spurgeon quote will suffice like most of the online followers of Grace To You  believe.

This our subservient students is the secret to defending our fragile hard doctrines of True Biblical Christianity that is our Extreme Theology of Monergism wedded with Ayn Rand’s Objectivism (the only Conservative approved Libertarian/Independent thinker besides those who support Theocracy like the Constitution Party—despite her views on abortion and her not believing in our angry Sovereign Grace-filled God of wrath) which  are always being perverted; always under attack by our many enemies and always in need of defense by us.

————–

Drs. I. Todyaso; Truthslayer and Don Jobson—Doctors of Apoolajetix

*Phil’s Hugh Jass Pomotivators

An unrelated post from our past related to this one: Brian McLaren declares the Kingdom of God is here and now!

“Reformation Eroding!”: Warns Pulpit & Pen

Once again the Pure Doctrines of our most Holy most illustrious most inerrant Pope of our Truth War (PBUH) have come under attack. Our Research Robot Monkeys have noted that one of our own Al Mohler (who we already exposed as a Socialist against our Clear Teachings) did something that we ODMs disapprove of: mourned the fire at Notre Dame against our Clear Teachings against such. Quote:

Like most in the Evangelical Intelligentsia, Albert Mohler is signaling a virtue that is almost altogether disconnected from his theology. The long, long line to mourn the loss of a Temple of Idols forms somewhere near the headquarters of The Social Gospel Coalition, who lean heavily upon Roman Catholic Liberation Theology to support their progressive political agenda.

Mohler wrote an article entitled History Burning Before Our Eyes in which he laments the loss of so much ‘history.’ The history of Roman Catholicism has been the death of hundreds of thousands of Protestants, abject tyranny, responsibility for the Dark Ages, and the propagation of superstitious anti-Christ religion around the world.

We here at the ODMafia agree that this is a clear perversion of our the Doctrines of Grace and will erode the Protestant Reformation of Martin Luther’s (who observed Easter against our clear teachings on it’s pagan catholic origins) and John Calvin (who was influenced by the Patristics against our clear teachings to avoid all things Catholic). For shame Al—repent back to our Angry ODM Truth War Gospel against all those we deem unworthy of God’s grace or the liberals; gays; emergent hordes; Catholics; semi-pelagians; Rob Bell;  Armenians; pacifists; extraterrestrials; Red Letter Christians; Dracula; Bigfoot; etc. whose God’s love wins will erode our Reformation and the Purity of our Sound Doctrines and prevent us from bringing all of us back to the Dark Ages.

As noted by one of our fellow Discernmentalists after reading the excellent Discernmentalist article by Bullsh@t & Spin Dullspit & Sin Dips#it & Pretend Pulpit & Pen:

“Quite a shame Al Mohler bases his postmodern opinion on to the Reformers none of whom were Catholic. There was not even a shred of mention by them being influenced by Catholic belief. I’m sick of Social Justice promoting Christians? basing all their thoughts on things with “feelings.” I don’t care how you feel about things, you don’t get to change the facts to suit your preferences, just by posting your favorite leftist postmodern opinion. Truth be told the Reformers are rolling over in their graves with everything you jackasses have done to screw up the church.”—Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer

We move that Phil Johnson aka Hugh Jass  of the mighty Truth Warrior site Pyromaniacs force persuade Al to rejoin the ODM fold and take a stand in the Pure Doctrines of our most illustrious most Holy most inerrant Pope over ODMs and internet Calvinists everywhere (PBUH) or revoke his association with Mohler. In case you have forgotten my credentials—I was personally  mentored by the late great Pastor-Teacher to the Online Congregation of the True Remnant of ODMs—who personally sat at the feet of the late Walter Martin by pouring over his Apologetics cassette tapes for several hours. This gives me more than enough self-righteousness to discernmentalize and judgmentalize all those who don’t hold true to the Purity of our Doctrines of the Truth War.

Ken Silva’s Upcoming Soon To Be Released New Album

“Flesh off the CD plesses Ken “Intelnet Pastol-Teachel” Sirva will soon lerease his ratest cliticarry acraimed hit musicararbum, My Rife As Soopa Discelnmentarist” (Source: Discernmentalize Japan News Agency). “A tru mastapiece!”—Tokyo Times raves! “Bigger than a Toyota and heartier than a pail full of sushi, Ken Silva’s newest album is truly larger than life,” says Osaka Records Corp. 

OD Mafia inside source to all things Ken Silva, our very own Dr. I. Todyaso proclaims:  “Ken has done it again by melding  his dreams of being a rock star with his dreams of being top Discernmentalist with his newest album based on his adventures in Japan. This is sure to be a major hit till Armageddon comes in 2012—when the angry sovereign American flag waving warrior Jesus comes back in His full wrath to slay all those who didn’t participate in John MacArthur’s Truth Wars by pledging allegiance to John MacArthur and Todd Friel’s Angry American God of sovereign wrath and nuclear bombs.” Dr. Truthslayer, Arthur McJohn and I agree.

Here is a music video of the first single from the album—the song is entitled “Ken Silva’s Battle Hymn Of The Truth War” known in Japan by it’s alternative title, “The Jet Jaguar Fight Song”:

Using the rough translation from this early cut of the single we’ve rendered the full translation as such:

“Ken Silva’s Battle Hymn Of The Truth War”

By Ken Silva

HE DISCELMENTARIST MADE OF STEEL…

NO EATS SUSHI FROM A PAIL TOO MUCH RIKE YOGA
KEN SIRVAS ? KEN SIRVAS !
NOTHING NEVER REALLY LOVE HIM WELL
HE DISCELMENTARISM COVERS UP A BASIC INSECURITY
HE DICKEY COVERS UP AN ADDAMS APPLE THE SIZE OF A TOYOTA
HE BASICALLY GOOD-HEARTED BUT WISH HE N JOHN MACALTHUR COULD KNOCK BLIAN MACRAREN OFF THE TOP

KNOCK ! KNOCK ! KNOCK !
WHO’S THERE ?
HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE JACK NICHOLSON
DON’T SMILE LIKE THAT, IT WILL STAY THAT WAY
YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH !…
DO TOUCH MY BAGS IF YOU PLEASE. MR. CUSTOMS MAN

Once again we are under attack by emergent-evolutionist bible monkey

I the mighty Truthslayer (defender of truth and all things pure) have been forced to stoop to the level of an ape to talk with a monkey. ODMafia fans, please do not shed too many tears for MY persecution, attacks and difficult questions posited by this “BIBLE MONKEY.” We are told that true truth warriors would be persecuted, EVEN martyrred for spurious and underhanded tricks by satan’s minions.

It just so happens that Bible Monkey is an avowed emergent….and we know that all emergents act, smell, talk and think the same way. That is why I know that Bible Monkey is another way of saying that he supports evolution. That’s right folks…Bible Monkey has stooped to an all time low and is secretly trying to bring evolution into the church (ie  sinister plot uncovered and exposed). In these last days we are told that evildoers would come into the church and introduce bible monkeys and social justice.

We need to TAKE A STAND and fight back. Contact every mighty truth warrior ministry (Brannon Howse, Apprising, Take A Stand, Slice of Laodicea, Herescope, Discerning The World and more) today and let them know the truth. Get the word out! We need to stop this menace before it gets any worse!

It is possible that Bible Monkey may also be a Democrat (you heard it here first).

Truthslayer

PS I have no doubt that John Armstrong, Rob Bell and NT Wright likely support this heretical horde. Also note that we will have a DVD out next week to expose the evil plot against the church.

New antigay PSA from us to you!

Trigger warning: A creepy, old, male theologian talks about oral sex while repeatedly using words like “copulation,” “genitals,” and “breasts.”

With all this talk about a gay cartoon rat-agenda I’ve been hearing from Don I needed to bring out this PSA from our past to you from us with new commentaries:

This PSA brought to you by the letters J & P and the #1 as we’re #1 in our Absolute Certainty of our Absolute Biblical Truth ah…  ah… ah…

(John) Piper (just like us) accepts penile penal substitution as gospel and cannot navigate a casual conversation without picking tulips. (Our many enemies) find much of his theology (and ours) to be suspect at best and abominable at worst, but (they are) especially concerned by his (and our) low view of women, whom he thinks should ideally adopt a subservient role in society, not only within their own marriages and churches. He has also stated he thinks wives should endure spousal abuse for a season, for instance, if her husband merely “smacks her around one night.” (By the way, the #MeToo movement came after Paige “Fried Chicken” Patterson recently for similar abhorrent remarks. When is it coming for John Piper?!?) (Anyways) Piper also likes to field questions from his adoring fans, often about sex, which are usually about exciting and fun as listening to your grandfather talking about the subject. If you don’t know anything about John Piper, this video will help. Bring your own vomit bag.

Anyways this is why we must absolutely forbid the appearance of gayness even by straight couples as gayness is an abomination—so remember all we told you…why…because…

I. Todyaso

Dear Truthslayer

I just heard a sermon that suggests that when someone hates you are are to assess your own life first! In other words remove the plank before splinters. Be humble in your disposition, apologize if possible. This some how seems off or anti-discernmentalist and therefore anti-biblical….what do you think?

Jeff, New Jersey

Dear Jeff

Do not listen to this pastor/church any longer! If you are a discernmentalist (a true bible believing one) you MUST assume that you are right all the time. Remove the splinters of your enemy (not your own plank – because assuredly you don’t have any). Make sure that when you a removing the heresy from your enemy you slander him and call him names. Make sure that he is wounded enough that he will not retaliate. To keep him down spread rumours about him on the internet (make sure you make little attempt at fact checking). Indeed, don’t delve too deeply in articulating your opponents beliefs, simply attack them (especially if you don’t understand them). When it comes to being on the side of truth, you don’t have to act rightly…. just attack your opponent. Remember the words of our gospels “Bless those ONLY on the side of our pure truth, curse everyone else….”

Keep up the true discernmentalist!

Truthslayer

Be A Literalist!: Part 4

 

In many Bibles, all the words of Jesus are in red. There is nothing wrong with that. But something is wrong when Leftist Christians or so-called Christians want to mute the words of Paul and other writers and only follow Jesus’ words. They call themselves “red-letter Christians.” They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! Red-letter Christians join the chorus of those who believe in a utopia with no wanting or war. Yes, that will come someday, but not the way they think. This could come as a shock to them just because they have little to no regard for other parts of the Bible. They have almost created a new meaning for the term “biblical illiteracy.”  It is also tragic that these folks are frequently called “the evangelical Left.” They don’t have even 1% of evangelical theology in a single bone in their body. They cherry- pick the verses they like, almost exclusively the red letters of Jesus. — Jan Markell, Absolute Biblical Truth Defender.

Think literally. Think creatively. Think creatively about your literalism as ‘The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to what we think is their literal sense. Literally is the only honest way to read….honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read so be a literalist. Read the Bible literally if anyone objects ask him if you should consider his objection literally or you can explain that the Bible is literature and that there is no other way to read it but literally.’

It is rather creative to read a literal meaning into any given text even if a literal meaning was never the original intent of it’s author to begin with. For example, eventhough a large majority of the Biblical Book of Genesis  is literally Hebrew Poetry— here are some examples of the ways in which we ceatively read a  literal meaning into the text when we literally  read the Book of Genesis as a literal Historical Narrative: 

• Example # 1: In Genesis, God creates Adam from mud from the Earth, and makes Eve out of one of his rib bones. This was the first man and woman created. It was an Intelligent Design by God, and not some sort of Evolution. In fact, Genesis 11:30 states “Evolution isn’t real, you’ll all burn in Hell for believing this lie!” and that Neocons should go out and get Evolution removed from schools, especially in the Kansas state in the United States. (Source: The Official God’s Only Inerrant Party Handbook On Scientifics).

 

• Example # 2: Also Genesis 12:36 states “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Anna and Eve, marriage is between one man and one woman, anything else is a sin punished by being sent to Hell.” Which seems to be the original of the Neocon view on Gay marriage and Homosexuals. (Source: Yo Dummy! It’s Adam And Eve Not Adam And Steve.).

Be A Literalist!: Part 1

We must set the record straight—- the Bible is the Literal Word of God. What this Literally means is that the human words which make up the Bible contain the Literal mind of God. We Know as we were there when God Literally dictated them to humanity. Our field agent Brainiac further explains:

The Bible is a book of words and those words are to be interpreted according to their literal sense, which means in the same sense that the author understood them. This is a principle called the Sensus Literalis, and it is an important rule of hermeneutics. If we do not interpret the words in the same sense as the author, then we obscure the author’s meaning and impose our own. If we read our own meaning in the place of God’s meaning; then we are no longer reading God’s word but our own. Therefore, we must take care to interpret the Bible literally.

We interpret the Bible literally by following the ordinary rules of language; a noun is to be read as a noun, a verb as a verb, and so on. No matter what we read or in what language we read it, a statement is always a statement and a question is always a question.

Utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and our Discernmentalist logic, we will show you how to apply a literal hermeneutic to the Bible:

 This is literally Jesus:

This also is literally Jesus:

And here is something else that is literally Jesus:

Stay tuned for part 2 of our exhilirating fresh new course straight from the bowels of the GOIP Online Discernmentalist Bible-Literalist Institutes aka LifeWay Press!